Thank you, Bubbles Baruba, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we heard that there was an election going on, but we were too busy watching the latest episode of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. to pay much attention. Simmons wants to go back to the alien planet that she barely escaped with her life? Is she insane? Sorry, but that’s a much more compelling question than which party has got the biggest – ahem – surplus!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
War Crimes Are For The Little Nations
The evolving American response to the destruction of an Afghani hospital which, if intentional, constitutes a war crime:
a hospital in Kunduz, Afghanistan was bombed? That’s a shame, but we know nothing about it
a hospital in Kunduz, Afghanistan was bombed? That’s a shame, but we didn’t have anything to do with it
of course, if we did bomb the hospital in Kunduz, it would have been an accident; we would actually have meant to bomb a nearby military target
yes, okay, fine, we did bomb the hospital in Kunduz, but it was definitely an accident, as we actually meant to bomb a nearby military target
umm, okay, we intentionally bombed the hospital in, but insurgents were fighting in it
YOU ARE HERE: oops, well, no, okay, insurgents were not fighting in the hospital in that we bombed, but they were using the doctors and patients in the hospital as human shields
space aliens controlled the minds of our pilots, forcing them to bomb the hospital against their will
demons – demons made us bomb the hospital…we just need to figure out how…
we bombed the hospital because the Afghan government was pissed off at Doctors Without Borders – the organization that runs it – because they treat every injured person, including insurgents, and we need the good will of the Afghan government to fight the war on globular terror and we’re the United States and we’re not afraid of anybody and blah blah blah blah blah
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=853&dir=bb]
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The New Brooms Could Scrape The Ice Down To The Pipes And Floorboards Below, But That Would Just Require Players To Acquire New Skills
Some of the world’s top curling teams, including those led by Olympic gold medallists Brad Jacobs and Brad Gushue as well as former world champion Glenn Howard, say they won’t use broomheads that can actually slow down and change the direction of a rock in motion. Powerful sweepers can “hold” the stone and delay its curl or “drag” it extra distance into the house, but throwing accuracy and the skip’s line calling are still –
Wait! Where are you going? This is a big scandal! It could permanently change the way curling is pla – hey! Hey! Seriously! And…and…and
And, then they all had sex! Right there! On the ice! And, yes, it was as cold and awkward as you could possibly imagine!
You’re a tough readership, you know that?
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#30618138755]
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Rushing Away From Something Doesn’t Usually Take Twelve Years
“So eager to be the history-makers, they failed to be the peacemakers. Rushing away from danger can be every bit as unwise as rushing into danger, and the costs have been grievous.”
– Republican Presidential wannabe Jeb Bush on the Democrats’ decision to pull troops out of Iraq
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Since When Did Doctor Panglosse Become The Head Of Your Editorial Board?
We love the Conservatives. We love Stephen Harper not. We love the Conservatives. We love Stephen Harper not. We love the Conservatives. We love Stephen Harper not. We love the Conservatives…
Okay. Vote Conservative. We’re sure that, after he has been given another mandate, Stephen Harper will do the right thing and pluck himself from the flower that is Canadian democracy.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20151017.eladvote1017_@/BNStory/newsOops2015/]
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And Head Straight For The Corruption?
Donald Trump supporters are angry. They’re angry at Barack Obama for Presidenting while black. They’re angry at Muslims for not eating pork or drinking beer – the core values of the American dream. They’re angry at the media for not showing more of them doing what they do best – eating pork and drinking beer. And, they’re especially angry at the elites who corrupt politicians with donation dollars.
They’re angry at the elites who corrupt politicians with donation dollars. Ah, I thought, now it makes sense. Supporters must figure if they vote for Trump, they can cut out the middleman!
SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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Sharia And Sharia Alike
INT. GYM – NIGHT
About 20 people are sitting on folding chairs in a gym facing MARK (mid-40s, undistinguished) who is talking to BELINDA (early 20s, attractive).
MARK: Now, Belinda, why do you want to be a canvasser for the Conservative Party?
BELINDA: Because Stephen Harper is such a dreamy free market warrior!
MARK: Good. I’m sure Prime Minister Stephen Harper would be happy to hear that. Now, let’s practice the scenario you’ve been working on for the past couple of days. Pretend that I’m a 92 year-old woman who has just told you that she has always voted for the NDP. What do you say to her?
BELINDA: (mumbling) The Liberals and the NDP are too accommodating to Muslims, and will undermine Canada’s rule of law.
MARK: Yes. Okay. Good start. But, that’s just the talking point we supplied you with. If you really want to impress the little old lady with the importance of voting Conservative, you have to make it your own. Try it again.
BELINDA: The NDP and the Liberals will allow Sharia law to become the law of Canada!
MARK: Great! Much better! Now, give it to me again with more passion.
BELINDA: The Liberals and the NDP will replace Canadian law with Sharia law!
MARK: Again! Give me everything you’ve got!
BELINDA: THE LIBERALS AND NDP WILL FORM A WORLD GOVERNMENT UNDER SHARIA LAW!
MARK: Excellent! I really believed it that time! Thank you, Belinda.
BELINDA: (flustered but proud) Oh, ah, great. Thanks.
Belinda returns to her seat in the front row.
MARK: (to the group): Okay, now I’d like you to –
GEORDIE: Is that true?
MARK: Well, as former Tory Prime Minister Kim Campbell once said, “an election is no time to discuss metaphysics.” Now, please get into pairs and practice what we’ve just learned. And, remember: if you’re not yelling loud enough to scare old ladies, they won’t believe that you’re sincere…
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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