Thank you, Feivel Fenderbender, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read about Dr. Sergio Canavero’s claim that he would perform the first human head transplant in 2017. And, we thought: Oh, bring it on! Can he put Donald Trump’s head on Sasha Pivovarova’s body? That would be more fun than a Greek chimera on a treasure hunt! Or, Bernie Sanders’ head on the body of Bill O’Reilly! Or, Maureen O’Hara’s head on Anne Hathaway’s body! Or…or…or – the possibilities are endless!
We had so much fun with this concept that we missed all of our deadlines. If today’s Daily Me looks more randomly thrown together than usual, now you know why.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
And, What Would You Like Justin Trudeau To Do In His Second Five Minutes In Office?
“Plenty of little fixes for Trudeau to stimulate innovation”
– Globe and Mail
“Canada needs a strategy to reach its biotech potential”
– Globe and Mail
“The time has come for universal pharmacare”
– Toronto Star
“Want to be a world player, Canada? Get ready to spend”
– Globe and Mail
“Papal apology sought for abuses
Trudeau is called upon to enact many of the ‘calls to action’ recommended in residential school report”
– Globe and Mail
“A more transparent Senate on the way?”
– Toronto Star
“Canada must do more than remember
Our new government has a fresh chance to match our veterans’ heroic service in the field with real support at home”
– Globe and Mail
“A new leader, a new shot at deeper national dialogue”
– Globe and Mail
“It’s time to talk to Iran again”
– Toronto Star
“CLIMATE CHANGE
Time for a Canadian summit”
– Globe and Mail
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=4376543034]
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We Can Neither Confirm Nor Deny That We Employ Ninja Assassins, But It’s A Really Neat Idea
Republican White House hopeful Ben Carson was not offered the opportunity to kill one of America’s enemies as he had claimed in his biography, his campaign has admitted.
“I was offered the opportunity to go to Iraq and tear out the throat of Saddam Hussein with my teeth,” Carson wrote in his 1996 biography Gifted Imagination. “I didn’t refuse the mission outright, but I let them know that a career as a military ninja assassin wasn’t where I saw myself going.”
A Pentagon spokesman said that it “can neither confirm nor deny whether anyone during that time period was asked to conduct a secret mission overseas to kill a foreign leader. It sounds kind of nuts, though, doesn’t it?”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2015Nov04.html]
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Nor Did He Say If The Last Resort Was A Hotel In Vegas Where Officers Would Stay While Their Trials Were Being Conducted
Toronto police officers are taught that lethal force must only be used as a last resort, an expert witness testified in the trial of Toronto Constable James Forcillo for second degree murder of Sammy Yatim. The witness did not say, however, if police officers were taught that the term last resort meant, “The final act before your shift ends.”
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=199082]
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A Bush In The Hand Is Worth Giving The Bird…Umm…Twice
Jeb! – The Musical is getting terrible reviews.
“The script is anemic, the production values are surprisingly shoddy given how much money has been put into the production and the main character comes across as whiny and unlikeable,” wrote an anonymous reviewer on the Tea Party All Night Long blog.
Another anonymous reviewer, this time on the All Koched Up and Nowhere to Go Web site, wondered why the campaign was called a musical when it didn’t have any discernible rhythm and you couldn’t dance to it.
“The only review that counts,” director and star Jeb Bush responded to the criticism, “is the one on the…umm…the actual night of the…oh, you know…what these out of town previews are leading to? The…the…the – how in the world did my brother ever make this look so easy?!”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2015/2015/11/03/bushbushneedsapush/]
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Can We Help It If The Leaders They Keep Choosing Are?
A professor of psychology at the University of Delaware walks into a bar and starts talking about a study she conducted that purports to show that Republicans don’t appreciate humour as much as Democrats.
That’s not funny.
SOURCE: The Chronicle of Lower Education
[http://lowerchronicle.com/weekly/v61/i13/36a02601.htm]
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The Name Of The Game Is Money. Green Money.
Narcissistic Headliner Ambivalence Syndrome (NHAS). A condition that mostly afflicts film and television stars who both enjoy the perks but feel hamstrung by the drawbacks of being associated with a popular role. USE: “First, Daniel Craig said, ‘I’d rather break this glass and slash my wrists’ than play James Bond in another film. But, then he praised the crew that had worked on the film and allowed that he would do another one. He is clearly suffering from NHAS!”
RELATED CONDITION: Pre-premier Controversial Publicity Obsession (PCPO).
SOURCE: Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV)
[not available online]
The Scene Takes Place In The Keystone Room Of The Residence (Formerly Known As “The Kitchen”)
Tuesday. 7pm. HGTV. Better Than Sussex! The competition to determine who will fix up the Prime Minister’s residence at 24 Sussex Drive comes to a head as finalists Mike Holmes and Bryan Baeumler get into a fistfight over the definition of the term “retaining wall” and have to be separated by members of the RCMP.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Ode On A Grecian Bowl
Les dames pipi
Are set to become figures of la nostalgie
Due to a Parisian makeover;
Public toilets, once proud and free,
Will only be accessible for a small fee
Owing to a Netherlandian takeover.
In Paris, you did not have to be pure at all
To clean a public urinal:
Les dames had come from places like Vietnam, Togo and Guinea.
But the tradition of cleaning the city’s bathroom stalls,
To the needs of more upscale residents must fall –
The new dames will be tall, blonde and skinny.
Welcome to the new France,
Where you can now go in public with elegance,
And to hell with a century of tradition.
Of course, you will have to pay a Euro and a half for the chance
To use paper decorated with the Eiffel Tower when you lower your pants;
You can be forgiven if you feel something is missin’!
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/697.html]
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