Thank you, Greg Glutmacher, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, Paris. We’re pretty sure it’s okay to use the term “French fries” again. But, what about “freedom kissing?” Or, “freedom toast?” Or, “the freedom disease?” The freedom disease! What the hell were we thinking?
Simplistic political sloganeering is complicated!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Good To See They’re Learning The Right Lessons
After a humiliating defeat at the polls, you would expect a political party to do some serious soul-searching. As you might expect from their time in power, modern Conservatives are taking the idea to a new extreme.
“Stephen Harper?” said Rona Ambrose, who was Minister for the Status of Women in Stephen Harper’s Conservative government. “I can’t recall ever meeting the man. The name sounds familiar, though. Was he…an astronaut or something?”
“No, no, no,” Tony Clement, who was Industry Minister in Harper’s government, argued, “Stephen Harper was one of the original members of the Guess Who. You know, the one who left the band after their early success, leaving Burton Cummings in charge?”
“You’re both wrong,” Kellie Leach, Harper’s Labour Minister, piped in. “Stephen Harper was the man who assassinated Franz Ferdinand, plunging the world into the first world war.”
When I pointed out that Stephen Harper was actually a recent Conservative Prime Minister, they looked confused. “Are you on crack?” Leach asked.
“You have to be mistaken,” Ambrose agreed. “I think I would have known the name of a Prime Minister whose cabinet I had just been in!”
“Typical biased liberal media!” Clement snorted.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20151111.eladvote111_@/BNStory/newsOops2015/]
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You Can Pay Me Now, Or…
“VW loses $2.4B on big charge for recall”
– Toronto Star
“Fiat Chrysler swings to loss under weight of recall costs”
– Toronto Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=2361537248]
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These Two Would Probably Continue The Argument In Pantomime
ONLOOKER ONE: We’re in a war with radical Islam.
ONLOOKER TWO: So, the Paris bombings were an act of war?
ONLOOKER ONE: No, the Paris bombings were an act of terror.
ONLOOKER TWO: So, we’re not at war with radical Islam?
ONLOOKER ONE: No, we’re at war with radical Islam.
ONLOOKER TWO: So, the Paris bombings were an act of war?
Repeat until one onlooker punches the other one or both are too hoarse to continue the “dialogue.”
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=859&dir=bb]
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Flogging A Dead Anti-alcohol Policy
The Saudi Arabian government has stopped a ring that tried to smuggle cans of beer into the country that looked like cans of Pepsi. If the government catches them, it will try to make the people behind the smuggling ring look like pinatas.
SOURCE: Jimmy Kippel – Live! (On Tape Delay)
[http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/jimmy-kippel-live-ish/blogs/monologue]
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Shoot The Messenger First, Ask Questions Later
The Vatican said Wednesday it had placed two Italian journalists under investigation in its probe over leaked documents that revealed waste, greed and mismanagement at the highest levels of the Catholic Church hierarchy. These include RCMP investigations, in 2011 and in 2007, into La Press journalists who published leaked information about two Montreal men suspected of terrorist ties.
“They’re complaining about leaked documents even as they leak confidential information,” Gianluigi Nuzzi, one of the journalists, said of the church, pointing out that the names of people under investigation in a criminal case are not supposed to be made public. “I understand how a strong and independent media is an essential component in a strong and vibrant democracy, and the issues raised are issues that we will be looking into,” Justin Trudeau said at his second press conference as Prime Minister.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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Do I Want To See A Marathon Of Big, Loud, Dumb Movies? She-ya!
Why did actor Shia LaBeouf invite his fans to watch all the movies he’s ever made accompanied by a cardboard cutout of him during a three day marathon in a Manhattan theatre? “I wanted to give something back to the people who enjoy my work,” LaBeouf explained, “but that doesn’t mean I actually want to spend any time with them!”
Why did people attend the Shia LaBeouf marathon?
“My girlfriend said she would let me get to second base if I went with her. How was I to know she was talking about her high school softball field?”
“I thought we could get into a really deep discussion of the ontological implications of cars that transform into a race of metal alien creatures, but all his cardboard cutout wanted to talk about was how great an actor he was and how horrible everybody in Hollywood is. I never expected a cardboard cutout to be so one-dimensional!”
“I…I thought it was still a porn theatre…”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2015/2015/11/13/thebeefwiththebeef/]
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You Know The Drill
Kill! Kill! Kill!
That’s The Only Way The World Will Ever Know Peace!
Yes! Yes! Yeeeeeeessssss! Thank you, ISIS!
Uhh, not for being murderous religious fanatic bastards – you’re going to hell for that. No, thank you for clarifying for everybody in the west that we are, in fact, at war. With you. Thank goodness for the attack on Paris – well, no, obviously, I mean it wasn’t a good thing, all those dead people and all – I mean our people’s interest in waging war against radical (nudge nudge wink wink) Islam was waning before it happened. This is going to put us back on track.
Some people have said that what we’re involved in is World War Three. They’re not thinking big enough! This is WWIII, WWIV and WWV all wrapped up in one glorious, nebulous, never ending military action!
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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Any Other Explanation For His Statements Is Too Horrible To Contemplate
Friday. 10pm. History. Time for Justice! Time traveling judge Robin Camp finds himself trying a rape case in the Federal Court of Canada in the year 2015. Thinking quickly, he chastises the woman who brought the complaint with such time-honoured 18th century wisdom as “Why couldn’t you just keep your knees together?” and “Why didn’t you just sink your bottom down into the basin so he couldn’t penetrate you?” Will Justice Camp be able to survive sensitivity training and bring his wisdom to an obviously morally debased future, or will he be driven back to 1703, his mission unfulfilled?
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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