Thank you, Terrence Tachometer, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we read that the University of Toronto Scarborough Campus had bought the world’s largest collection of menus from Chinese restaurants. This may be a great boon for researchers, although we suspect that anybody who is satisfied by the collection will want to look at it again an hour later…
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Administration Considering Sending House To Bed Without Any Supper
Speaker of the House Paul Ryan has made good on his threat to hold his breath until his face turns blue if the Obama administration does not immediately reimpose stink-eye on the leaders of Iran. “Mummmfff umff ummmm mmmmum fumf!” Ryan emphasized.
“I don’t consider imposing the stink-eye on the leaders of another country lightly,” replied President Obama. “Not if we can get them to agree to civilized behaviour using other, more diplomatic tactics. And, I certainly wouldn’t do it just because of the petulant beha -“
BREAKING NEWS: Speaker of the House Paul Ryan has passed out! I repeat: Speaker of the House Ryan has passed out. He was holding his breath in protest of the renewed diplomatic relations between the United States and Iran; he is believed to have lost consciousness owing to a lack of oxygen going to his brain. Speaker Ryan has been taken to the hospital, where he is reportedly being treated for third degree booboos to his forehead.
SOURCE: CBBS News
[http://www.cbbsnews.com/stories/2016/02/02/national/main542815.shtml]
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The Very Definition Of Mixed Emotions: I Agree With The Sentiment But Despise The Source
“Hard to accept that these imbeciles represent the people in our government”
– Martin Shkreli tweets on his appearance before the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee to defend hiking the price of a long-established and potentially lifesaving drug by more than 5,000 per cent
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/was-he-not-happily-married-to-fiona/]
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Maybe We Should Ask Paul Ryan What He Thinks Of The Merger…After He Gets Out Of The Hospital, Of Course…
Rumours that Hasbro Inc. and Mattel Inc., two of the world largest toymakers, have been conducting informal merger talks have been met with a chorus of complaints about Big Plaything. What critics of the possible deal haven’t taken into consideration is how merging the two companies’ product lines would invigorate the whole sector.
What child wouldn’t look forward to playing with My Little Hot Wheels? It could be the industry’s Holy Grail: a toy that appeals to both boy and girl children. Furby Barbie could help the company exploit the werewolf craze that is bound to take place when the current zombie craze finally dies out.
Just thinking about the synergies is giving me shivers!
SOURCE: Playtoy Magazine
[http://www.playtoy.com/worldofplaytoy/hmh/hanging/mattbro-or-maybe-hasttelrulz-001.html]
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Now, If Somebody Could Just Perfect The Non-transgression Transgression
Parsing the Non-apology Apology
I’m happy for this opportunity to clear the air.1 I’m very sorry if my statement/behaviour/existence caused anybody any distress.2 I assure you that it was innocently intended and that it was misrepresented by the press.3 Nonetheless, I take full responsibility for the mess.4 I’m sure that, with a little good will, we can put this sorry incident behind us!5
Notes
1. My publicist made me say this.
2. Not for what I said/did/was, mind you…
3. Because you hate the press even more than you hate me right now…
4. My lawyer made me say this.
5. I have a movie to promote/political office to run for/life to live, so I’m ready to move on and drag the rest of you with me!
SOURCE: Entertainment For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/home.asp?did=563&dir=bb]
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We Want Natives To Know How Bad We Feel About What We Did To Them, But Not Too Much
The Liberal government has announced that it will be prorating MPs’ salaries based on where they work. They will be paid for time in their constituencies, but they will not be paid for time they spend on Parliament Hill or in any other government buildings.
“This is outrageous!” complained interim Conservative leader Rona Ambrose. “Where you work should have no bearing on whether or not you get paid for the work that you do there! The idea is ridi…oh. Wait. This is a lesson, isn’t it? Damn, I hate when he tries to teach us a lesson!”
Prime Minister Justin Trudeau smiled sunnily.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1088596661813&call_pageid=968330178492&col=968472972154]
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Finally, A Credible Example Of American Culture Having A Negative Effect On France
French high schools say that teleportation machines must be created immediately so that children can beam directly into classes from home. If not, there is a possibility that they could meet people on the street between their houses and the school who could turn them on to radical beliefs that will lead them to become terrorists.
“The technology just isn’t there,” the French Minister of Economy, Industry and Digital Data Emmanuel Macron stated. “Now, if the schools would be willing to invest in hoverboards so that children could go from home to school above the street instead of on it, that we might be able to accomplish in time for the next school year!”
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/europe/2016/feb/05/the-french-get-schooled]
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You Mean, They’re Not Stopping Young Men Of Colour For No Reason?
Umm, Wasn’t That Kind Of The Point Of The Changes?
“Our members aren’t out there engaging with the public like they used to because of broad changes to street checks.”
– Toronto Police Association head Mike McCormack
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Trump Discussed Issues? I Must Have Blinked…
Donald Trump lost the Iowa primary for the Republican Presidential nomination to Texas Senator Ted Cruz, and only narrowly beat Florida Senator Marco Rubio. This has left him in a contemplative mood.
“I was an idiot,” Trump stated. “A moron. A complete simp. And, I mean simpleton, not what you’re thinking. Whatever that was. The point is: I was too nice. A political campaign is no place to discuss issues. Voters want only one thing: to know that a candidate is willing to stare down terrorists and foreign rapists and tell them: ‘You’re fired!’ Believe me, I won’t be making that mistake again! The gloves come off for North Dakota…or New Mexico…or whatever hick state the next primary is in!”
We just said he was contemplative. We didn’t say his contemplations made more sense than anything he said on the campaign trail.
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1406749850263463.xml]
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