Thank you, Luxe M. Bourger, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, a man in Alberta was convicted of stunt-driving because he had a sign in the rear window of his car that read “uck Harper.” Now, we had always thought that stunt-driving involved strapping a rocket to your car’s roof and trying to literally fly to the moon, and that it was done by crazy Americans named Evil Boll Weevil and the like. Okay, yeah, welcome to the 21st century, we guess. But, uck Harper? Not exactly a message that is going to cause other drivers to swerve out of their lanes in shock and horror and into oncoming traffic. What does it even mean? Is “uck” some kind of native swear word, or fifth century Saxon for – what? The man was standing in front of the first letter of the word? What difference would that – ooooooooh.
Yeah, okay, we can see how that message might be distracting to some people.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
He Could Be Considered A Human Rorschach Test
Jeremy Corbyn, the head of the UK Labour Party, is the world’s first fractal politician. Who he is is determined by who is looking at him.
When Labour MPs look at him, they see somebody who didn’t oppose the Brexit vocally enough, doesn’t support corporate solutions to social problems and generally isn’t, you know – sniff – one of them.
When union workers look at him, they see somebody who will fight for their interests, and that’s a good thing.
When Britain’s quality press looks at him, they see somebody who will fight for the interests of union members, and that’s a bad thing.
When Britain’s gutter press looks at him, they see Joseph Stalin.
When the foreign press looks at him, they see a bland British pudding and wish they still had Nigel Farage to kick around.
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2016/jul/15/obviously-not-the-leader-of-the-Jeremy-generation]
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With Slight Modifications, It Can Also Be Used To Fight Zombies
Are you the proprietor of a public space – a park, say, or a Holocaust museum, or an ancient native burial ground – who is tired of Pokeman Go players with their noses in their cellphones trampling all over your institution’s carefully constructed image? Angry that there isn’t anything you can do to stop them? Well, breath a sigh of relief, angry public space proprietor, because now there is!
Introducing Pokemon Gone, your surefire method of dealing with those pesky cellphone app players!
Pokemon Gone station in a public place. You can camouflage it to make it blend in with its background, but, honestly, so few Pokemon Go players will notice that you really don’t have to go to the trouble.
Based on the design of ancient animal traps, simply put your Pokeman Gone station in a place with a high concentration of Pokeman Go players. Set the number you would like to capture (from one to 124) and, when that amount of players stumbles in and bounces from wall to wall (and off each other), the steel door will slam shut.
Once you have trapped Pokemon Go players, you can do whatever you want with them. Haul the station out into the country and let them loose in the wild to make their own way back to civilization? Fine by us. Pick it up by helicopter and drop it into a lake? The EULA includes a clause indemnifying us from the horrific uses to which the Pokemon Gone could be put, so go for it! Shoot them into the sun? A bit science fictiony at this point in the development of space travel technology, but, hey, if you’ve got connections at NASA, best of luck with that!
Pokemon Gone: regain the space that is important to you!!!
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
[http://www.geeklynews.com/geeklynews/issue/160721/geeklynews/01jerkinthebox.htm]
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This Is What Passes For Folk Wisdom These Days…
“@HillaryClinton You should be tried for treason, murder, and crimes against the US Constitution…then hung on the Mall in Washington, DC.”
– West Virginia Republican House of Delegates member Michael Folk
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/compassionate-conservatives-would-weep-if there-were-any-left/]
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Did It Tell You It Could Buy You Integrity?
The Canadian Global Affairs Institute, which published a paper defending Canada’s arms deal to Saudi Arabia that was widely reported in the media, has taken money from General Dynamics, the parent company of the arms manufacturer at the heart of the deal.
“Where we get our funding in no way affects the truth contained in our studies,” claimed David Bercusson, the CGAI’s acting president, “because money never lies.”
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49rrbbd7-f6f3-4q4q-5g25-a2eb4cc6s528]
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Debbie Does Destruction
Bernie Sanders supporters were stunned to find out that the Democratic National Committee had actually acted against their candidate for the party’s Presidential nomination during his primaries against Hillary Clinton. The leaked DNC emails appeared to confirm their worst fears about the Democratic primary race.
“I…I thought complaining about DNC interference was just a way for us to bond,” said Bern the House Down member Euphrates Suffragette. “I had no idea!”
“You mean, I really need to hate the DNC for undermining my man Mr. Berns instead of just pretending?” said Sanders supporter Franklin de la Pangborn. “Aww, man, I work six full-time jobs and can barely put food on the table – who has the energy to properly hate a political party’s establishment?”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2016Jul25.html]
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Hey! God Was Busy
As Was Boris Johnson
What is a sacrificial lamb?
A sacrificial lamb is a metaphorical reference to a person or animal sacrificed for the common good. The term is derived from the Biblical story of Abraham, who was commanded by god to sacrifice his son; when, at the last possible moment, god changed his mind, Abraham slaughtered a lamb in his place.
EXAMPLE: Theresa May.
SOURCE: The Dust Devil’s Dictionary
[http://www.thedustdevilsdictionary.com/?S]
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It’s A Classic Case Of Green Mouthwashing: What You Say Sounds Eco-friendly, Buuuuuut…
International Death and Destruction, Inc. has announced that it will be developing a new line of land mines that decompose in sunshine. After they explode, of course.
“Like you,” ID&D’s press release read, “we’re concerned about the state of the environment which we will be leaving our children, their children, and generations of children to come. That is why ID&D is proud to announce that, starting in 2037, all of our munitions will be biodegradable.”
David Suzuki was oddly unmoved.
SOURCE: Earth Worst! Journal
[http://www.earthworstjournal.org/article.php?id=437]
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