Thank you, Odessa Paloma Parker, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, a study by Partners in Flight found that North American bird numbers declined from 11.5 billion in 1970 to 10 billion today. Dozens of species lost more than 50 per cent of the populations in that time; the snowy owl population, for example, fell 64 per cent. You know the snowy owl, right? It can turn its head so far in either direction that it often looks like its auditioning for a role in an all-avian remake of The Exorcist – think of all the money they could save on special effects! And, those eyes, man, those eyes are not natural – it’s like they’re boring deep into your soul, looking at things you thought you had buried too deep for anybody to see, things we – we mean, you – you thought we would never have to deal with again!
* SHUDDER *
And, what’s all this about a silent spring? Birds wake us up at five in the morning every single day! Every single goddam day! They’re like an alarm clock that goes off whenever it wants to rather than when you programme it to – can you appreciate why we’re a little touchy on the subject?
Only 10 billion birds? Puhleaze! That’s 9,999,999,997 too many, you ask us!
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Justice Delallyed Is Justice Denied
Alberta Justice Migneault Delally is being investigated for relying on myths and not being sufficiently deferential to the emotional needs of a man accused of sexual assault in his court.
“Here is a young man who, through no fault of his own, had sex with an underage woman who had passed out in a house three doors down from where he lived,” said rapist’s rights advocate Martin Schlumpf. “Are we going to brand him a criminal for life just because of one mistake that he made 23 times? Reasonable people would say no, but Justice Delally referred to him as ‘the criminal’ during the trial, and said things like, ‘If you didn’t want to sexually assault this woman, why didn’t you cut your penis off?’ It’s just those kind of insensitive statements that stigmatize men who sexually assault women and make them want to avoid the criminal justice system altogether!”
This is the fourth such case of a provincial judge being investigated for undue harshness towards men accused of sexual assault in their courts. Legal experts are concerned that if this attitude is widespread, it could call into question the impartiality of justice in the province.
SOURCE: Womyn’s e-Vents
[http://www.womynsevents.fem/article.cfm/dyn/aid/1227]
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For The Foreseeable Future, The Show Will Be Running Highlight Episodes
11:30. NBC. The Tonight Show. Jimmy Fallon’s guest is Russian President Vladimir Putin. After sharing jokes about Vodka and the bathing habits of Crimean insurgents, Fallon tries to ruffle Putin’s hair. Viewing this as a potential hostile act, Putin’s body guards beat the host senseless and drag him off the set. Hilarity ensues.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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It’s Pathetic What Some Nations Will Do To Get A Little Attention!
Dear N2N,
I would like to make my country an international laughingstock, but nobody seems to notice that I’m alive. What is a poor coastal city to do?
Sincerely,
Nice
Dear Nice,
Pass a law banning burkinis on your beaches. Then, have four of your biggest, burliest police officers force a woman to comply with the law by taking off her burkini in front of them. But, be sure that they do it in front of people with cellphones – you can’t embarrass your country if nobody is looking!
SOURCE: Nation to Nation
[http://www.N2N.org/advice/embarrassing.html]
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If You Are A Complete Moron, Go To Section XII, Sub-section iii, Clause 5a And On The Line That Says “Taxes Owing,” Put Down Your Income From Last Year
Vancouver plans to tax people who buy homes for profit rather than to actually live in. The tax, which is hoped to slow speculation that has led to soaring housing prices, will rely on self-reporting.
It’s not hard to imagine the question on the tax form: “Do you occupy the residence you own, or are you a complete moron?”
SOURCE: Vancouver Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/VancouverStunned/Opinion/2016/09/11/509727.html]
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The One Stop For All Of Your Nightmare-inducing And Nightmare-alleviating Needed!
Did you hear? German chemical company Bayer is planning to take over American seed company Monsanto for $66 billion. The payment will be made entirely in cash, because there’s nothing shady about paying large sums of money with small unmarked bills…
Personally, I think it’s a great deal. You know why? Now, you will be able to get pills to relieve the pain of eating genetically modified foods from a single company!
SOURCE: Cohan
[http://teamcoho.com/video/dunking-mascots-09-12-16]
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Double Or Everything
Based on a photo which appears to portray Hillary Clinton as less wrinkly, Donald Trump supporters now claim that the Democratic Presidential hopeful has a double which she uses on the campaign trail.
“I have always said that a woman must work twice as hard to get half the recognition of a man,” Clinton quipped in response. “But this is ridiculous!”
Meanwhile, Clinton’s campaign has suggested that it is actually Trump who has been using a double on the campaign.
“Of course I have. Because I’m twice the man Hillary will ever be!” Trump quipped in response. “I think the math works, right? Course it does!”
Journalists who have been covering politics for decades threw up their hands in despair.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2016Sept10.html]
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Die-hard Conservatives – With A Vengeance!
Why does Progressive Conservative leader Patrick Brown insist he knew nothing of a letter opposing Ontario’s sex education curriculum even though his chief of staff and the PC Party president did?
“He was in a temporary fugue state,” explained Brown’s Chief of Staff Nicolas Pappalardo, “brought on by the possibility of losing a by-election despite the low popularity of the Liberal premier. In this altered state of consciousness, he approved and signed the letter. Now, in his right mind, he is naturally appalled and dismayed by the possibility that it would fuel social divisions on such a sensitive topic.”
Die-hard Conservatives aren’t buying it.
“He’s gonna trash the sexy ed curriculum just like his letter said he was gonna,” said Malverna Trumpschmecken, who proudly voted Conservative in the Scarborough Rouge-River by-election. “Any talk of traumatic psychological disassociation is just the liberal media, as always, trying to cause trouble for a conservative!”
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2016/09/03/pcsoutonacurriculum160903]
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