Thank you, Eleanor P. Sharknado, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we found that writing your own obituary was the thing that all the cool kids were doing this year, and thought, we could do that! So, it is with great sadness that we announce the death of the Daily Me editorial staff. We were born of humble parents in a log cabin in downtown Toronto, to a humble aboriginal brick layer in the Brazilian rainforest and to a humble billionaire root beer parade float entrepreneur. Our childhood was marked by food tricks and wood ticks, wondering at the meaning of Coke bottles that fell from the sky and catching a glimpse at our nanny’s naughty bits. But, we persevered, overcoming obstacles that would have killed lesser human beings to become the leader of the resistance to the robot uprising, discover stupidonium (the elementary particle that causes euphoria in those who vote against their own interests) and turned our father’s obscenely vast fortune into a merely middlingly offensive large fortune. In our later years, we devoted our lives to uniting deserving orphans with three-legged puppies, stopping logging roads being built through our downtown neighbourhood and dribbling down the front of our Dolce and Gabbana designer bibs.
We, uhh, may have taken liberties with some facts, but we like to think that there is a poetic truth here if not a literal one.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Oh, and if we don’t all die at the same time, apply whatever aspects of the obituary are appropriate.
Party Clearly Cruzin’ For A Bruisin’
Ted Cruz says that he will vote for Donald Trump for President, even though he called the man a “pathological liar” when he ran against him in the Republican primaries. Why?
“You can’t believe anything that comes out of that man’s mouth,” Cruz said. “If we include all of his campaign promises, his might just be the sanest, most level-headed administration this country has ever seen!”
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2016Oct08.html]
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You Can Be Forgiven If You Missed The Part In The Bible Where Jesus Turned Water Into Diesel Oil – It Goes By Very Quickly
And the Lord, thy God, Ruler of the Heavens and of the Earth, commanded, “Thou shalt set aside one day of the year to celebrate, extol, exalt, praise, laud or otherwise pay tribute to the bounty of the oilfield. And thou mayest call it ‘Oilfield Prayer Day,’ but, either way, thou shalt say prayers to my munificence, in which I gavest thou the wondrous, splendid, glorious, utterly brilliant resource which doth greaseth the wheels of thy civilization.”
And Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin saw that it was good.
SOURCE: The Bible – The Continuing Story
[http://www.thenewestnewtestament.com/the_further_teachings_of_jesus/on_oil_appreciation/lk06_37a.html]
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Democracy By Inaccurate Metaphor
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Did You Pass Go?
I’ve heard that the Liberal Party paid a British “deliverology” expert $200,000 to advise them on how to deliver on their campaign promises. What a waste of money! I could have told them what to do at a fraction of the price:
USE YOUR MAJORITY TO PASS THE LEGISLATION YOU PROMISED TO PASS DURING THE ELECTION!
Where can I collect my $100,000?
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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Which Is Good Considering That The First Six Will Bore You Silly
@BamRoman 11 ways Americans are becoming immune to astonishment. Reason 7 will astonish you!
SOURCE: Ending Trending Web Site
[http://endingtrending.blurgh/sucker/]
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It Takes Two To Disconnect
Pundits are almost unanimous in their opinion of the effect the release of a tape on which Donald Trump makes lewd references to women will have on his campaign:
“He’s toast.”
“He’s finished.”
“He just handed Hillary Clinton the presidency. There is no way he can recover from this!”
Donald Trump supporters are almost unanimous in their opinion of the effect the pundits’ pronouncements will have on their perception of the Republican Presidential candidate:
“They’re toast.”
“They’re finished.”
“He’ll recover from this. There is no way Hillary Clinton can become President!”
SOURCE: Down to the Newswire
[http://www.downtothenewswire.pl/1/11/Artykul/200235,Trump-umpump]
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It’s A Good Preview Of What Their Policies Will Be Like If They Should Ever Form A Government
The United Kingdom Independence Party has developed a new method of choosing its leaders after Diane James quit only 18 days after being elected: seven people walk onto a walkway in the building that houses the European Union, the last one standing gets the position.
“England loves a good scrapper,” former UKIP leader, now interim UKIP leader until he can be former UKIP leader again Nigel Farage said. “A politician who gets a little blood on his hands on his way up is a leader Johnny England can get behind!” After a pause, he added, “Not that it will be me. Oh, goodness, me, no, no, no, no, no. I’ll never do that again!”
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2016/oct/09/fried-ukippers]
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There’s Something Wrong With This Comparison…If Only I Could Put My Finger On It…
Seven headlines you might see if Donald Trump wins the Presidential election
1. Trump wins! Canada prepares for new wave of immigrants: doubling the population expected to put strain on social services
2. Trump wins! MSNBC anchors have collective heart attack; future of network in question
3. Trump wins! Mexicans take out their wallets
4. Trump wins! Evangelical Christians believe it is a sign of the End Times
5. Trump wins! White House takes out billion dollar insurance policy against charges of sexual harassment
6. Trump wins! Reaction from around the world: Putin says, “At last, somebody I can work with!”
7. Trump wins! Sun rises on schedule!
Seven headlines you might see if Hillary Clinton wins the Presidential election
1. Clinton wins! Trump accuses President-elect of stealing election; “Her voter fraud beat my Russian hackers,” loser declares
2. Clinton wins! Republican establishment breathes sigh of relief
3. Clinton wins! Ann Coulter considers sex change
4. Clinton wins! Evangelical Christians believe it is a sign of the End Times
5. Clinton wins! Expert panel of pundits debate Breitbart.com allegation that she eats fetuses of aborted children as part of deal with devil to gain power
6. Clinton wins! Texas schedules vote on secession
7. Clinton wins! Troubles in your relationships not immediately solved!
SOURCE: The Web Page of Lists
[http://www.ListsPage.argh/2016/October/Chump_for_Trump.asp]
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