1) A recent survey found that only one third of Ontarians has a positive view of Islam, while over half believe that its mainstream doctrines promote violence. The survey concludes that the province is facing an “epidemic of Islamophobia.” How can we explain this?
a) multiculturalism is sooooooooooo twentieth century, but hate never goes out of style
b) openly mocking Jews is politically incorrect, so people have to park their fear and ignorance somewhere else
c) sunspots
2) FBI Director James Comey announced in a letter to Congress that he was re-opening the Hillary Clinton email investigation two weeks before the presidential election. Prior to this, Comey, a Republican, opposed including the FBI in a joint statement of American intelligence agencies that accused Russia of interfering in the election with a series of hack attacks. His reasoning was that it was too close to the election, and that it could be seen as partisan; he clearly understands the principle. How would we best describe these two actions?
a) hypocrisy
b) hypnosis
c) hypothermia
d) hypothalamus
e) hyperactivity
f) hyper-partisanship
g) hyper-other
3) If Breitbart News wasn’t fed a steady stream of ideologues out of right wing think tanks and had to advertise for “reporters” (so loosely defined it could dress an elephant), what would be the best tag line for their ad?
a) We lie to the public so Republicans don’t have to.
b) We lie to the public so Republicans can have somebody to quote when they do.
c) Is there anybody in the world at this point who doesn’t know what we’re about?
4) Police are not willing to say that spreading peanut butter on playground equipment in a Toronto park is a criminal act. According to Detective Jason Hunter of 11 Division, “I don’t have any indication that whoever did this had a nefarious intent.” Okay. What kind of innocent intent could the park peanut butter spreader have had?
a) feeding the homeless, one slide at a time
b) supporting peanut farmers, the backbone of the food economy, by finding innovative uses for their products
c) bringing attention to the plight of seals being caught in driftnets
5) According to Wayne Allin Root, “I do so many interviews and they’re always on Donald Trump’s behalf. I’m like the ultimate Donald Trump defender all over the country nowadays. And every interview I do, when it’s live in a TV or radio station, when the interview is over, you know, the whole newsroom hates me; they’re all liberal Democrats, they’re all staring at me like they’re trying to burn a hole in my brain and they hate me and they want me to go away and they’d like to stab me. But then, every single time I run into one of the people in the newsroom who is black, African American, whatever term you’d like to use, and they always come up to me and they whisper in my ear, ‘I love it, I’m for Trump.'” Because of this, Root says, he knows that polls showing almost no black support for Trump are totally untrue and that Trump will actually receive 15 to 20 percent of the black vote in November. What is the flaw in his reasoning?
a) the bus driver’s name was Freddie
b) he forgot to subtract the coefficient of crazy
c) delusion, paranoia and wishful thinking (not the law firm)
6) Conservative leadership hopeful Kellie Leitch has proposed that immigrants be screened for “anti-Canadian values.” What are anti-Canadian values?
a) not sloshing beer all over the person sitting in the stands in front of you when you stand for the national anthem at a sports event
b) offering the last cheese curd in the poutine to the woman you’re dating to show her you’re not selfish
c) screening immigrants for “anti-Canadian values”
d) other
7) According to Democratic Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton, “When we say America is exceptional, it doesn’t mean that people from other places don’t feel deep national pride, just like we do.” What does it mean, then?
a) our deep national pride is deeper and prideyer than that of other nations
b) they’re just lacking our incredible military, larger than the next 30 countries combined, so they should back off the whole deep national pride thing, and I mean right now, buster!
c) international war crimes laws don’t apply to us
8) Rumour has it that Daniel Craig has been offered $150 million to star in two more James Bond films. What could that money be better spent on?
a) a few feet of track for a TTC subway extension
b) one third of a fighter jet
c) nothing! There is no better use of $150 million than to have Daniel Craig star as James Bond in two more film! He’s sooooo dreamy…
9) What do T. S. Eliot’s initials stand for?
a) Turnip Snorter
b) Triumphant Snogblarter
c) Too Silly
10) What is an “accountable vagina?”
a) you have a dirty mind
b) actually, it’s a real thing, so if anybody here has a dirty mind, it’s you
c) I don’t believe you. There’s no way that “accountable vagina” can be anything but smutty
d) *SIGH* Right – it’s a woman on the creative team for a film or TV series who is there to ensure that a woman’s point of view is represented in major decisions. You know, about women characters and stuff…
e) a Russian all-female punk band
11) According to Republican Vice Presidential candidate Mike Pence, “…condoms are a very, very poor protection against sexually transmitted diseases…” Why does he believe this?
a) god told him that the only way to truly be safe from sexually transmitted diseases was to ignore hundreds of millions of years of the evolution of sexual reproduction, and who was Pence to argue?
b) if condoms were effective, how could Bill Clinton have ever been born?
c) he does not believe that vaginas can be accountable
12) Pence has also said that condoms are “too modern,” even though there is evidence that humans have been using them in one form or another since 11,000 BC. Why does he believe this?
a) the world is only 6,000 years old; only an idiot would think that there were condoms before the world began
b) if the cave paintings are to be believed, men’s penises would have been two and half feet long, and you only see that in – ptui! ptui! – porn movies (and, even then, he’s pretty sure they were surgically enhanced)
c) “too modern” is right-wing code for “black”
13) According to surrogates of Donald Trump, this woman should not have stood by her husband when his despicable behaviour was publicly revealed, that how she acted only enabled said despicable behaviour. Who were they talking about?
a) Hillary Clinton
b) Melania Trump
c) Wilma Flintstone
14) Do candy and pop makers belong at a dietitian’s conference?
a) yes
b) no
c) are they bringing free samples?
15) When Donald Trump talks about himself in the third person, who is he?
a) John Miller
b) George Costanza
c) sometimes Ernie, sometimes Bert
16) What does the word “Luegenpresse” mean?
a) it is Swedish for “a press specifically designed to crush lugenberries”
b) it is Afrikaans for “work harder to win the gold medal for luge”
c) it is far right for “we’re going to use every dirty trick we can think of to make sure you lose the election, spreading fear and hatred that will last for decades in our wake”
d) other
17) If Ann Coulter knew about the alleged sexual harassment of female Fox employees by Roger Ailes, why didn’t she say anything about it?
a) you know Ann: always cautious when it comes to accusing people of wrongdoing
b) oh, please! Between FEMA death camps, Obama’s intention to make sharia the law of the land and the rigged American election system, she didn’t have the time! She’s only human, after all, and can only do so much!
c) whoa, boy – you’re giving her way too much credit for having a moral compass
18) How frosty must the relations be between President Hillary Clinton and FBI director James Comey?
a) ice cube in a tray frosty
b) ice berg that sank the Titanic frosty
c) make sure your personal assistant leaves them off your Christmas card mailing list frosty
19) Complete the following sentence: Donald Trump is “a regular guy” in the same way that…
a) Lord of the Flies is recommended reading for eight to 12 year-olds.
b) Henry Ford was a champion of the horse buggy industry.
c) Napalm is good for clearing up sinus congestion.
d) other
20) Why is the Investor State Dispute Settlement?
a) a clause in international trade agreements that allows multinational corporations to sue governments for any loss of income they may suffer because of the passage of laws to protect things like the environment, worker safety or
20 continued) Whoa, whoa, whoa, there, eager beaver. I didn’t ask, “What is the Investor State Dispute Settlement?” I asked, “Why is the Investor State Dispute Settlement?” That’s a whole different kettle of lawsuits!
a) oh. Sorry for the confusion. Because…umm…countries are trying to prove that Rollerball was a documentary?
b) MicroSquish snuck it in when nobody was looking – tee hee
c) because the environment, worker safety and or are inimical to our bottom line, and we have investors to satisfy and bonuses to earn!