1) The current federal election will last for 11 weeks, the longest in a century. Why?
a) the first 10 weeks are practice
b) what else are the Conservatives going to do with all that money they’ve collected? Blow it on the ponies? Slot machines? Bailing out financially overextended Senators? Oh, the media would just love that!
c) pfft! Canadians are wimps! You should consider yourselves lucky – American elections actually last 11 years!
2) How Machiavellian is it to call a bill that would keep tens of thousands of Canadians, mostly aboriginals, students, and homeless and elderly people, from voting the “Fair Elections Act?”
a) more Machiavellian than having a child conduct a war thinking that it’s just a training exercise
b) almost as Machiavellian as John Snow, Ned Stark’s bastard and the Commander of the Night’s Watch, being called outside by his protege Olly, who tells him that that Jon’s uncle Benjen Stark was still alive, only to see nothing but a cross bearing the word “traitor” before being stabbed multiple times by Night’s Watch men, who leave the final fatal strike to Olly himself
c) as Machiavellian as Justin Trudeau’s hair
3) What’s fair about keeping tens of thousands of Canadians, mostly aboriginals, students, and homeless and elderly people, from voting?
a) you know, aboriginals will probably have to be fully enfranchised at some point, but why start now and destroy the tradition?
b) it’s a learning experience for the students
c) they’d just vote for the party that would promise them cheap drugs, and we’re committed to privatizing the health care system
d) the old people would have forgotten where to vote and ended up walking aimlessly around grade schools, scaring the young ‘uns – best that everybody is spared that trauma
e) you don’t get to be the country’s natural ruling party by playing nice with the other children
f) all of the above
4) Who won the first federal leader’s debate?
a) Stephen Harper (you’ll just have to wait for the election ads to explain why)
b) Thomas Mulcair, because his head didn’t explode
c) Justin Trudeau, because he didn’t fall off the stage
d) all the Canadians who didn’t tune in to watch it
e) Barack Obama, because as the American President it really wasn’t his place to be there
f) other
5) A man in Edmonton was given a traffic ticket for having a crude anti-Stephen Harper sign in his rear window. Why?
a) it was a traffic hazard because the people driving behind him were likely to get into accidents when they applauded
b) he would have been okay if he had gone to a professional printer to make the sign; making your own sign contributes nothing to the economy
c) he violated the 2006 Non-disparagement of Conservative Politicians city by-law (he was probably from Montreal and just passing through – keep on passing through, stranger, keep on passing through…)
d) Justin Trudeau’s hair
6) According to Prime Minister Stephen Harper, “This election is about who has the proven experience to keep Canada safe and our economy strong.” Match the person to the way they kept Canada safe and the country’s economy strong.
a) the took a budgetary surplus and turned it into an annual deficit that added billions to the national debt
b) they took a more belligerent stand on many issues of international conflict, marginalizing Canada on the international stage
c) they encouraged people to join the military by short-changing Canadian veterans
i) Tie Domi
ii) Mother Teresa
iii) Rachel McAdams
7) A supporter of the Conservative Party yelled and swore at a couple of female reporters during a Stephen Harper rally in Etobicoke. What was he so angry about?
a) the suffering of the Greek people under the strict austerity programme foisted on the country by the European Union and the International Monetary Fund, obviously
b) the sharp end of his Rob Ford button had come loose and was pricking his chest
c) all those damn kids on his lawn
d) Justin Trudeau’s hair
8) Neither Stephen Harper nor Thomas Mulcair (I’m obviously using the past indicative participlectic “nor” in this case) are planning on attending a debate on women’s issues. Why not?
a) women don’t vote
b) women shouldn’t be allowed to vote
c) women’s votes only count for 72% of men’s votes, so they aren’t worth the trouble
d) Harper is getting his hair done that day, and Mulcair allows Harper to dictate his social schedule
9) All of the candidates talk about helping the middle class. Why aren’t they more concerned about the poor?
a) everybody in the country believes they are in the middle class (except dirt farmer Charlie Farquharson)
b) talking about the poor is a massive buzzkill, man
c) bag ladies don’t vote
d) bag ladies shouldn’t be allowed to vote
e) Justin Trudeau’s hair
10) What could be Liberal leader Justin Trudeau’s Achilles heal?
a) people still hate his father, Pierre, for being a better dancer than they could ever hope to be
b) photos of his nanny changing his diapers that have been leaked to the Internet make him look less than Prime Ministerial; voters might be concerned that, in tough trade negotiations with world leaders, he might have to go potty
c) Justin Trudeau’s hair
d) other
11) What could be NDP leader Thomas Mulcair’s Achilles heal?
a) the tattoo of the Liberal party logo on his left shoulder
b) in 1982, he bit the head off a bat, and people have long suspected that he never fully recovered from the ensuing case of rabies
c) I knew Jack Layton, I shifted the NDP towards the centre with Jack Layton, and you, sir, are no…t really that much different from him
d) other
12) What could be Conservative leader Stephen Harper’s Achilles heal?
a) he actually thought some of the Sad Puppies’ nominations for Hugo Awards were “pretty good reads”
b) there is no truth to the rumour that he eats kittens, but he certainly looks like he wants to (and his association with the Sad Puppies doesn’t help change this mistaken perception)
c) the Duffy Effect
d) other
13) What exactly is “The Duffy Effect?”
a) a pump that sucks the oxygen out of any room, but without a non-metaphorical pump’s joyful romanticism
b) pundits punditizing about how unsafe sitting on a wall is, and how anybody who persists in doing so must bear the ultimate responsibility for his shattered remains frying on the hot pavemen – no, wait, that’s The Dumpty Effect…
c) “I don’t know.”
14) Is anybody running other than Harper, Mulcair and Trudeau?
a) nobody that matters
b) nobody you’ve ever heard of
c) yes: each politician jogs with a team of seasoned lobbyists
d) yes, Justin Trudeau’s hair
15) At a campaign stop in Lancaster, Ontario, Prime Minister Harper was shown around a dairy farm with a robotic milking machine. He then gave a speech where he gleefully talked about ending Canada’s supply management system – which has long been a thorn in the side of Conservatives even though it has been of great benefit to farmers – in order to get a free trade agreement with several Asian coun – aww, who am I kidding? He didn’t mention the issue of dairy supply management once. Didn’t even talk about farming, really. This is most like…
a) giving a speech with a beautiful lake behind you and not mentioning your plans to build a sewage plant next to it.
b) giving a speech to union members without mentioning the legislation you’re currently debating in Parliament that would make it easier for corporations to disrupt union membership drives.
c) killing your parents, then pleading for mercy because you’re an orphan…hmm, where have I heard that before…
d) Justin Trudeau’s hair.
16) Ontario Liberal Premier Kathleen Wynne has been campaigning for Justin Trudeau’s federal Liberals. Should they get a room?
a) if they did, they’d only be playing Pinochle in it
b) they’ve already done it in a room, with a couple thousand people watching – kiiiiinky!
c) apparently, there’s no room for provincial leaders in national politics…
d) Stephen Harper is just jealous that there are so few provincial leaders who want to campaign for him – it’s like high school prom all over again, but without the 1980s music and spiked punch
17) According to a new Nanos Poll, 79% of Canadians believe that Canada is in a recession and 54% agree that there should be a new round of deficit spending to bolster the economy. Yet, Conservative leader Stephen Harper clings to the mantra of a balanced budget. Why?
a) it’s the only time he can use the term “balanced” to describe any of his policies without cracking up
b) Harper’s spiritual leader – Karl Rove – taught him well
c) he loves peaches
d) Justin Trudeau’s hair
18) Oh, for goodness’ grief! – now NDP leader Thomas Mulcair is also promising a balanced budget! Why?
a) supporting the policies of a party that he despises – he clearly hasn’t moved on from his days as a Liberal
b) because Jim Stafford once made fun of his moustache, and Mulcair holds a grudge. Really holds a grudge…
c) the NDP has always had to fight against the public impression that its left-wing economic policies would hurt the economy – Mulcair wanted to see what it would be like fighting against the public impression that the party’s right-wing economic policies would hurt the economy for a change
d) Justin Trudeau’s hair
19) Conservatives have been advised not to attend all-candidates meetings or speak to reporters during the election campaign. How do they expect to get the word out about their policies?
a) oh, you’re so sweet. Don’t ever grow up!
b) like they have since they were kids: they’ll go to daddy and ask him to pay for it for them
c) low taxes, anti-immigration, tough on crime – what more do you need to know?
d) Justin Trudeau’s hair
20) Alright, alright, enough, already – what’s the deal with Justin Trudeau’s hair?
a) like cream is the essence of French cuisine, repetition is the essence of propaganda (just not as tasty)
b) it’s so soft and fluffy – don’t you just want to curl up in it and go to sleep?
c) it will make a nice change from Stephen Harper’s bullet head
d) Justin Trudeau’s h – oh, give it a rest, already!