INT. DINING ROOM – NIGHT
MOM, DAD, PHIL (17) and LUCY (15) stand around a middle class dining room table. They wear comfortable clothing, except for the battle helmets on their heads. A map is laid out on the table in front of them; Dad holds a rake in his right hand.
DAD: Alright, family! I have created a battle plan for us so that we can have a successful campaign at the MaxiMultiMegaMart on Black Friday.
LUCY: Daaaaaad!
DAD: Listen up, private! We have to be ready with everybody in place at oh nine hundred hours – that’s less than twelve hours from now!
MOM: What your father is trying to say, dear, is that if we aren’t prepared, some other family is going to get the deals on household appliances and DVDs that rightly belong to us. I think we all want the same thing, here: the latest season of Game of Thrones.
DAD: Copy that, Number Two! So, this is the plan. Phil, you station yourself here –
Dad uses the rake to indicate a spot on the map.
DAD: (continuing) In the Home Electronics Theatre of Operations.
PHIL: The HETO? Thanks, dad!
DAD: Lucy, you’ll be here –
Dad uses the rake to indicate a spot on the map far away from the one he just indicated.
DAD: (continuing) In Plush Toys. Meanwhile, your mother –
LUCY: Daaaaaaad! Why do I have to be in the Plush Toys Theatre of Operations? You know I use computers just as much as Phil, and I’m a much better coder!
DAD: Somebody has to secure a Christmas gift for the Winklevoss twins!
LUCY: Why can’t Phil do it?
PHIL: What do I know about dolls? I’d probably get the twins something they hate!
LUCY: Like I know anything about them? I haven’t played with dolls since I got my first GameCube when I was four!
MOM: Now, Lucy, dear, your father is a master tactician. If he thinks you should be stationed in Plush Toys, he has his reasons.
DAD: Thank you, Cindy-Lou.
LUCY: (mutters) Whatever. Stupid plan!
MOM: And, where do you want me?
DAD: Here –
Dad firmly plops the rake down on another part of the map.
MOM: (incredulous) The Household Supplies Theatre of Operations?!
DAD: If we play our cards right and get a few breaks, we could stock the house with soap and toilet paper for years to come – what a victory that would be!
MOM: (dark) And, where do you see yourself stationed?
DAD: Weeeeellll…we do need a new barbecue…
MOM: I see. If you expect to see any action in our…headquarters later on this evening –
DAD: Listen up, troops! Don’t let your assignments get you down – this is only Phase One of the campaign!
MOM: (suspicious) Phase one?
DAD: That’s right. After securing our primary objectives, everybody will converge on Phil’s position in the Home Electronics Theatre of Operations. With the help of a big cart, we should be able to secure enough computers, big screen TVs and DVDs to serve our needs for the coming year!
PHIL: What if I encounter resistance in the HETO before you get there?
DAD: Son, that’s why we’ve been doing training exercises in the mock-up of the MaxiMultiMegaMart in the backyard for the last two months. Remember the basics: duck right, rush left and shove all hostiles out of the way. And, in the heat of battle, assume everybody you don’t know by sight is a hostile!
PHIL: Even store staff?
DAD: Especially store staff!
MOM: Dear, do you have an extraction plan?
DAD: Of course! Once we have secured primary and secondary objectives, we’ll convoy from the Home Electronics Theatre of Operations to the Checkout Counter, here.
Dad indicates an area on the map with the rake.
DAD: (continuing) If we find the route blocked, we’ll split up and each do our best to make it to the secondary extraction point, here.
Dad indicates a different area on the map with the rake.
DAD: (continuing) Those of us who make the second extraction point by oh ten hundred hours will drive home. Anybody who doesn’t make it, well, there are always casualties in any offensive maneuver. You’ll have to walk home.
LUCY: Why don’t we just buy what we want online?
Dad looks like he could spit.
DAD: Oh, sure, everybody talks about cybershoppingwar! Let me tell you something: it’s for cowards who don’t want to get their hands dirty in an actual shooting store! But you can’t win the really big deals that way. You need boots on the floor for that!
MOM: Now, dear. Don’t take this the wrong way, but…do you think you’re maybe taking Black Friday just a bit too seriously?
DAD: (mutters) I knew I should have recruited Betty-Jo Bialowski…