“Hello?”
“Yes?”
“Is this Mrs. Fructose Malabsorption?”
“Yes.”
“And, you live at 5043 Wombat Way, apartment 12 Omega?”
“Who is calling, please?”
“My name is Alice. I’m calling on behalf of Home Repo. You recently bought a new dishwasher from us. I’m just calling to see how your family is enjoying it.”
“Umm…we’ve had some problems with it.”
“So, would you say you were ecstatic, very happy or only mildly happy with your new dishwasher?”
“I would say that we’ve had some problems with it.”
“So…very happy or only mildly happy?”
“Not happy at all, actually.”
“Okay. I’ll put you down as mildly happy.”
“Why would we be at all happy with an appliance we had problems?”
“Well, you do have some control over how you react to adversity, don’t you? We are civilized people, after all – we have dishwashers. That ought to count for something.”
“Let me tell you what happened. The -“
“I would love to listen, only my manager gets cranky if I don’t make my hourly quota of calls. You know how it is.”
“The dishwasher was delivered with faulty wiring – every time we tried to wash anything, it would turn on all of the radios and televisions in the apartment.”
“No, apparently you don’t know how it is.”
“At first, Prion and our daughter Embryonic and I tried to run all over the apartment to turn everything off, but as long as the dishwasher was running they would turn back on. We tried noise cancelling headphones, but they weren’t comfortable, and they gave Prion a rash.”
“Why didn’t you turn the sound off on all of you’re appliances before you started the dishwasher?”
“We, umm, we had headphones…”
“I see. So you…”
“Demanded to have it replaced? Yes. Yes, that is exactly what we did.”
“Ah. Not where I was heading. So, you got to experience Home Repo’s much-loved Customer Service Division first-hand. Would you say you were ecstatic, very happy or only mildly happy with your CSD experience?”
“Are there any other choices?”
“Well, let me just look over the form, here…un hunh…nothing on page three…no…no…no…umm, there is mention of unhappiness on page 18…”
“Yes! Yes, unhappiness definitely describes -“
“No, I’m sorry – that is one of the choices for a question for me. It asks how I felt my interaction with the customer went. No, I’m afraid your choices are ecstatic, very happy or only mildly happy. So, which will it be?”
“It took them six months to deliver our new dishwasher.”
“You must have been ecstatic when it arrived!”
“After two months of washing dishes by hand, my husband started drinking again.”
“Oh, dear. Still, personal responsibility and all that.”
“The guy who finally delivered the dishwasher installed it backwards, facing the wall. Unfortunately, it was in a cubbyhole between the fridge and the sink, so that made it impossible to open. It took two months to get him back to turn it the right way round. It was during that period that my husband started smoking again.”
“You must have been very happy to get it working at that point.”
“Well…”
“I’m sorry, Mrs. Malabsorption but I’m sensing that you are a hard person to please.”
“The dishwasher was hooked up to the sewage system – all of our dishes came out dirtier than when we put them in!”
“I’m sure that was easily taken care of…”
“Hard to tell. That was nine months ago. We’ve tried to get somebody in to fix it, and we’re told that somebody will come by next week. Nine months is a lot of next weeks. After a couple more months of washing dishes by hand, my husband started shooting up Heroin again.”
“Sounds like he has a nervous disposition, your husband.”
“I hope not. He’s a drone pilot.”
“You understand that Home Repo is not liable for any emotional upset, distress or other harm attendant on the use of any of the products we sell.”
“I’m sure that’s clearly written in the Warranty.”
“Thank you for your understanding.”
“Only, a few days ago, in a drunken, drug-induced stupor, my husband set fire to his nose, not only incinerating our apartment, but, in fact, most of the building in which we live. We are currently living in a homeless shelter. We’ve already been told that any insurance claim we make will be laughed out of the company’s office and, frankly, we don’t know how we are going to be able to afford to get our lives back.”
“Oh. Well…given all of that…your dishwasher must be the least of your problems.”
“Yes. Yes, I suppose it is.”
“Then, I’ll put you down as ecstatic. It’s always a pleasure talking to another satisfied customer!”