by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
Reginald Flapdoodle of Witchita Kansas, Falls, was walking down Everytown Main Street one pleasant afternoon – it was a Thursday, I believe – when snow began to fall. Only, it wasn’t falling the way snow traditionally falls, you know. It fell until it was about 10 feet above the ground, then it hovered there, swirling. It must have been a sight! After about 12 minutes, the snow fell up and disappeared back into the clouds.
“Well, if that don’t beat all,” Flapdoodle said to himself as he walked into a lamppost. Got himself a real good shiner, Reginald did – it wrapped around the back of his head and crept up on his good eye from the rear. He looked like a raccoon – if you used your imagination to swivel the black patch about 37 degrees around his head.
This was by no means the only strange weather phenomenon that occurred in the United States recently. No, sir. Vernon Panzerotti of Rebuque, Iowa was rained on for 40 days and 40 nights. Whenever he was outside, a storm cloud would form over his head and a column of rain would fall on him. Course, him being a door to door used children’s AI tea party organizer and all, he was outside a lot.
“I went through a heckload of umbrellas, let me tell you,” Vernon stated with a shy grin. “A heckload of umbrellas.”
Global warming. Talk of the town is that that’s the reason for this strange weather…isn’t that right?
“Aaaaah, no,” stated Nerida Hawkin-Loogy, a climate ologist with the National Institute of Fringe Weather. “This is beyond anything our models have ever predicted. It’s China.”
What we use to eat our meals on? Our plates are causing strange weather phenomenon? Well, I’ll be a monkey’s distant relative on the evolutionary ladder! You learn something new every –
“Nooooooo,” Hawkin-Loogy quickly corrected me, “China, the country. We have long heard rumours that they were developing weather control technologies – clearly, they have perfected them.”
Phew! I wasn’t looking forward to switching over to paper plates – they do have a tendency to get soggy and shred in the dishwasher, don’t they?
I asked an expert on China whether the country could have had anything to do with the strange weather. “I’m not a person,” responded Ho Lee-Chow, “I’m a chain of affordable Chinese food delivery stores. However, since you asked, I would have to say that a country that is responsible for such elegant cuisine at such reasonable prices couldn’t possibly be responsible for anything evil.”
Then, laughing my behind off at my mistake, I asked a member of the Chinese government the very same exact question.
“No, no, no, no, no, no, no. China have nothing to do with strange weather over United States,” insisted Ambassador Miew Ling-Pook. “We want good relation with country. We would never demonstrate power over weather to convince American government to stop pressuring China on value of yen. Or, human rights. Or, Olympic ping pong. Or – okay, temptation to mess up American weather very strong. But, Chinese people are very disciplined, okay?”
I wanted to believe the Chinese Ambassador. It wouldn’t be right neighbourly if I didn’t. But, then, Hughie Sampsonite, a farmer from Norfolk, North Folk, noticed a strange lightning pattern over his field.
“Yeah,” Hughie told me, “I was a signals officer in Nam. The things I saw! Split infinitives! Double negatives! It’s with an apostrophe s when it clearly was not a contraction of ‘it is!’ They were murdering the English language, and there was nothing I could do about it!”
When I gave Hughie a friendly push back towards what we were supposed to be talking about, he continued: “Oh, yeah. Right. Well, the lightning bolts were coming faster than I had ever seen, one right after the other, bam bam bam! At first, I watched with fascination. Then, I watched with my three children. Soon, I realized that the lightning bolts were a message in Morse code. N-A-R-U-L-E-S-C-H-I. Just N-A-R-U-L-E-S-C-H-I, over and over again.”
Hughie was stumped until his six year-old daughter Mavrides pointed out that if he started at a different place, he would get the message: C-H-I-NA-R-U-L-E-S. “She’s smart as a snapdragon,” Hughie beamed. “Course, I had to send her to her room without dinner for making me look bad, but, leastways I know what the lightning message was.”
I asked Ambassador Ling-Pook if this didn’t constitute proof that China was behind the strange weather patterns. “Hmm,” he answered, “let me think. If I have weapon that I might deploy in the middle of a trade war or other provocation, I would be stupid as a snapdragon to let my adversary know I was testing it on him, would I not?”
He got me there.