by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Existentialism
Rensellaer Gundershaft tipped a cow. By which I do not mean that Rensellaer Gundershaft was served by a cow in a restaurant and gave the bovine waiter a gratuity. That would be absurd. No, I mean he snuck onto a farm in the middle of the night and gave a sleeping cow a gentle shove. When nothing came of that, he gave the cow a mighty heave and it fell on its side.
Thanks to Texas’ three strikes law, that action could cause Rensellaer Gundershaft to permanently lose his Adult Licence.
“This is ridiculous!” said Gundershaft’s public defender, Irina Goatslobbea. “The…the…umm…hold on, the argument is on the tip of my tongue…”
Texas citizens are issued an Adult Licence when they turn 18. The Licence looks like a driver’s licence, except with the word driver scratched out and Adult written in crayon in its place (the legislation gave a very short window for implementation of the law; State Secretary of Leaving Childish Things Aside Fred Cocoa-Rayban assured the public that proper licences would be designed in time for the next Super Bowl).
A first offence earns a person a $5,000 fine and 30 Demerit points (named after Dedee Meritt, the Galveston dog and flu catcher who first proposed the law). A second offence earns a $10,000 fine and 47 Demerit points. A third offence, and you can kiss your adulthood goodbye. This may not seem like much of a problem, but, without an Adult Licence, you are not allowed to vote, you are not allowed to drive and you can only order kid’s meals at restaurants.
In addition to the outright bans, social norms have been suspiciously quick in forming around the ID. Without an Adult Licence, people are less likely to take your political views seriously or want you to date their daughters. Highly suspiciously quick.
“I like to think that people recognize good policy when they see it,” State Secretary Cocoa-Rayban stated. He added with a chuckle: “Although the pro-reform campaign from the Koched-Upton brothers over the last five years probably helped. A bit…”
Critics of the three strikes approach claims that it gives judges no discretion in borderline cases.
“When it comes to social behaviour, the law is a blunt instrument,” explained legal expert Jonathan Turley. “Its application causes massive head trauma that will leave the patient – us, the people – fumbling for words and drinking out of a straw for many years afterwards. Is that the kind of society we want? I don’t think so.”
“The Adult Licencing rules aren’t fair!” Gundershaft complained less…obliquely. Of course. People without an Adult Licence often say that. “No, seriously,” Gundershaft continued, “I mean the rules aren’t applied equally. If Governor Bloodnok’s daughter was ever caught mooning the legislature, she’d get off with a fine and a warning.”
“She was younger then,” Texas Governor Denis Bloodnok responded to the allegation. “No point in ruining her life because of a minor indiscretion, wot?” When I pointed out that he seemed to be agreeing that the law was unfairly applied, Governor Bloodnok responded, “Of course the law is unfair. Life is unfair. Is it fair that I should be grilled – grilled, I say – by a journalist when I should be pardoning a turkey?” When I pointed out that it was April, Governor Bloodnok got red around the gills and responded, “Of course it is. Of course it is. Did I say it was a Thanksgiving turkey? Doesn’t innocent poultry deserve to have their death penalties commuted at other times of the year?”
“The line between acceptable adult fun and childish behaviour is completely arbitrary,” Goatslobbea finally recalled her argument. She pointed out that 97.666666666 (number may not be completely accurate due to Satanic rounding) of people who have lost their Adult Licences in the four months since the law came into effect do so within six months of receiving them. Then, since everything is easier to understand when it is put in the form of a chart, she distributed the following to journalists and homeless men (often the same thing):
| Legal Adult Fun | Illegal Adult Fun |
|---|---|
| getting drunk and having sex with your neighbour’s spouse | getting drunk and putting a lampshade on your head |
| surfing the Internet for porn | surfing the Internet for LOLCats |
| calling friends with threats of lawsuits if they don’t mow their lawn | calling strangers with pranks about running refrigerators |
| harassing an ex-spouse with threatening emails | posting information you know is bogus on Wikipedia for giggles |
| adult diapers for incontinence | adult diapers for sexual adventure |
| banning books you don’t like from libraries | writing funny comments in the margins of books you don’t like |
“If the chart hasn’t convinced you,” Goatslobbea concluded, “I’m prepared to use musical dinner theatre!”
Is the Adult Licence, as Turley has argued, a massive intrusion in personal civil rights? “Don’t be silly” State Secretary Cocoa-Rayban scoffed. “Everybody knows Republicans favour smaller government…”