SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
by KOLIN KELLY
Late at night, I sometimes walk down to the shop floor where the bricks that are used to build the world are kreated. I run my hand along the rough kiln, kooled by an evening breeze the source of which we kannot find. And, I whisper, “What do you want?”
The machine is silent.
Long before my kooky kousin Kevin wrote books on the subject, I asked myself the kwestion: what does teknology want? World peace? A three week, all expenses paid vacation to the latest Caribbean hot spot? To put its legs up in front of the fire and read a good book, warmed by the knowledge of a day’s job well done? More oil for its aching joints?
Unfortunately, teknology remains silent.
Fortunately, people do not. If you ask them the kwestion, “What does teknology want?” they will happily natter on. And, on. And, on. You can’t shut them up about it, really. At times, it makes one long for the reticence of teknology, if the truth be known. However, one has a kwestion to answer, so one perseveres.
“Teknology? Well, obviously, it wants to expand its sphere of operation,” responded Kray Kurtzwilly, author of such books as The Singleness is Coming! – Don’t Forget to Pack a Toothbrush and 1001 More Ways to Love the Machine (But, This Time, in a Family friendly Way). “Teknology wants to fill every niche it can find. Every hole. Every krack. Every krevice. Every – wooh, look at me – I’m getting all flushed!”
Teknology expands to fill every human desire assigned to it – where had I heard that before?
Still, I wasn’t konvinced. Having the full virtual reality harness, programmed with 127 different environments and built-in air freshener, hadn’t saved my marriage from disintegrating. The prosthetic fingers I had surgically grafted to my elbows didn’t seem to make my children any less disdainful of my existence. And, frankly, the time I spent trying to figure out how to work the Toastr 2000, with 537 settings and waffle maker attachment, would probably have been better spent trying to connect emotionally to my wife and children.
I decided to keep looking for the answer to the kwestion: what does teknology want?
Kobb Klogan, Professor of Thingology at a Canadian University nobody has ever heard of – even those who go there – and a student of thingie theorist Marshak McKluhan, offered a different point of view: “Teknology? Oh, well, teknology is a river that runs through your kitchen while you’re upstairs trying to put your baby to sleep, and programmes your DVR to tape nothing but episodes of Dallas from the 1980s. Teknology is an orange orangutan that wants to give medium massages to used cancer salesman. Teknology is a hot breakfast for a cool bank vault. Shall I go on? I could talk like this all day.”
Interesting, to be sure. But, did Klogan actually answer the kwestion?
“What teknology wants?” he stated. “I thought I was pretty clear on the subject, but, if you like, I could always try again.”
I hastily thanked Klogan for his help and fled the room.
“Whenever a McKluhanatic speaks, I always check to make sure I’ve still got my underwear,” Kurtzwilly skoffed. “I mean, it sounds like they’re saying words, words that kome together to form komplete sentences, and yet…”
Krikolas Karloponti, professor of man-made objects at the Massachusetts Institute of Thingies and guru emeritus (literally: one who excels at nail filing) of Caffeinated, the bible of the techno-Rand set, explained that teknology wants to transform the world from one of bits (things that keep horses from biting their tongues – or your arm – off) to one of kibbles. Electronic kibbles. These bite-sized pieces of digital reality will help human beings live better, longer, more fulfilled lives. “Even if it kills us,” he grinned.
“Krikolas is a good friend,” Klogan said, “but, like the serpent that swallows the supermodel’s tale, it’s often hard to follow what he is saying without getting sprayed with icky digestive juices.”
“Kobb is a good friend,” Karloponti responded. “But, I think studying McKluhan for too long has scrambled the bits in his brain, and that bites.”
“If you want my opinion -” Kurtzwilly started.
“NO!” Klogan and Karloponti shouted him down.
So. Consulting the experts on the kwestion of what teknology wants wasn’t all that helpful. Perhaps what teknology really wants…is to be left alone to do the job it was created for?
Kolin Kelly, a graduate of the Kelowna Kollege of Kooky Knowledge, is the CEO of the KK Konsortium, based in Kokonino Kounty, Arizona. Although Kelly kame from humble beginnings as a brick maker, he built his business into an international empire that touches on every aspect of the Konstruction industry. Now that he is successful, he has time to think about things like this.