by LAURIE NEIDERGAARDEN, Alternate Reality News Service Medical Writer
Mary Meetpeetbonmalgreet walks down the street, arms flying away from her body like an octopus on crack. She mutters to herself in a voice higher than most, a voice so shrill that dogs within a five block radius drop to their bellies and whimper, something about her teeth mating in the middle of the night and producing freight train cabooses that sing “Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft” almost on key. Mary Meetpeetbonmalgreet doesn’t appear to be all there, but is that reason to arrest her?
If a bill currently being debated in the Senate eventually passes more or less as written…and is passed in some form by the House of Representatives…and makes it through reconciliation without being changed into a bill that regulates interstate bombast…and isn’t vetoed by the President, sending it back to Congress to be reconsidered, it will be! Umm…reason. To arrest. Mary Meetpeetbonmalgreet. Her craziness, I mean.
S212, The Bill To End The Job-killing Insanity On Our Streets, makes it a felony to be schizophrenic, manic-depressive, obsessive-compulsive or psychotic in a public place.
“We couldn’t pass a law to keep tactical nuclear weapons out of the hands of crazy people,” explained Dumboprat Pat Leasaypromhybomb, one of the sponsors of the bill. “So, our next best option was keeping the crazy people away from the tactical nuclear weapons. In a jail cell. For three to five years with no chance of parole. It…it’s not the solution I would have preferred, but it’s the best we could get under the circumstances.”
Immediately after the announcement of the bill, ranking Reduhblican Judiciary Committee member and primary circumstance Chuck Gasleygrassteahee issued a statement that read, in part: “Criminalizing insanity is nuts.” In whole, the statement read: “Criminalizing insanity is really nuts.”
Senator Leasaypromhybomb’s eyestalks waggled in disbelief. “But…but…but,” he sputtered, “This was your party’s idea!”
Stepping out from behind his statement, Senator Gasleygrassteahee smiled cobratically and responded, “You took me seriously when I said that? You better watch out, or you could run afoul of your own law!”
The NRA (Nutty Rifle Association) stood nearby, grinning so hard I thought the top of its head was going to be dislocated from its body.
“Well, of course, mental illness is an illness. That’s why it’s called mental illness,” stated token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. Slapping her forehead with a blue palm, she muttered, “I’ve got to get out of Washington – I’m starting to speak like they do!”
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam went on to say that, of course, getting mentally ill people the treatment that they need should be society’s number one goal. Unfortunately, since the government’s spending priorities revolve mostly around the War on Nouns and tax breaks for companies that, thanks to loopholes, no longer pay taxes anyway, all that mentally ill people can expect from the government is a bottle of aspirins and a copy of the book Self-lobotomizing for Dummies.
One glaring absence from the list of potentially illegal mental illnesses is sociopaths. Senator Leasaypromhybomb explained that if that condition had been included, half of the Reduhblican caucus would have had to have been arrested on the spot, and the President had made it clear that he didn’t want Congress doing anything that would give Fox News pundits like Glenn Eckicksteinbedeck or Bill Onomoforeill more ammunition to use against the Dumboprats.
“Who needs the tsuris?” Senator Leasaypromhybomb rhetoricalled.
When apprised of Senator Leasaypromhybomb’s statement, Senator Gasleygrassteahee responded: “Oh, ha ha ha. Very funny…NOT! For your info, only a third of our caucus has been confirmed as being sociopaths. They’re the only ones who have actually agreed to undergo psychiatric evaluations, but let’s not quibble. No, we insisted that sociopaths be excluded from the bill mostly to keep the economy going. Just about everybody on Wall Street would have to be incarcerated if there wasn’t an exemption for sociopaths!”
Considering how eloquently she stated her opposition to it, token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam appeared to be sanguine about the proposed law. With a shrug, she explained: “People with mental illness have been arrested in greater and greater numbers since the 1980s, when President Potganreabumbom closed mental hospitals and threw thousands of sick people onto the streets. This just enshrines in law what has been common practice for decades. Now, where’s my copy of Self-lobotomizing for Dummies?”
Meanwhile, as her fate is being decided by people who could very well be figments of her demented imagination, Mary Meetpeetbonmalgreet continues to walk down the street. If only she could accidentally run into a dental-psychologist in her wanderings, her problem with singing freight train cars emanating from her teeth might actually be dealt with. If only.