Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
I know that you profess to follow the Macho Code of Manliness, but I sometimes get the sense that you are trying to reach beyond it to a deeper understanding of life, the universe and every Ting Tings. Is that true, and, if so, what is your deeper understanding?
Sincerely,
Lydia from East Phlamydia
Yo, Lydia,
You got me.
I don’t talk about it much, but I developed some theories of human behaviour when I was doing my Masters in Psychology. (Relax, guys: in accordance with the Macho Code of Manliness, I flunked out…after I received my degree. My relationship with the bursar was complicated.) The one that has stuck with me all this time is that all of the problems that men have can be traced back to our relationships with our fathers.
You think the artificial intelligence that controls all aspects of the spaceship that is taking you to Saturn has started to kill your fellow crewmembers? Not at all. Your problem is that your father was too strict when you were growing up. Having doubts about your own humanity as you do your job tracking down and terminating astonishingly lifelike androids in artfully decaying Los Angeles, doubts that could get you killed? Nyuh unh. Your problem is that your father wasn’t strict enough with you when you were growing up. Swept up from the desert planet where you grew up to fight in a galactic war, but uncertain that you can get beyond your rational training and embrace the quasi-mystical philosophy that will allow you to complete your mission? This one should be obvious! Your father was a traveling rodeo clown who scared his own children, traumas they’re still working through as adults.
Get the idea?
The problem with totalizing theories is that they can become boring very quickly. Having trouble figuring out how to weaponize an alien organism that just wants to kill your entire species? It’s not because what you’re trying to do is insane. It’s because your father was never around when you were growing up. You’re trying to implement a genius’ blueprint for ultimately peaceful galactic psycho-historical development, but unaccounted for anomalies threaten to upset the plan? It’s not because life is full of unexpected developments that are beyond our control. It’s because your father doted on you too much when you were young, smothering your creativity. You have to deliver information that has been uploaded into your brain and have it removed before it kills you? Isn’t it obvious? Your father read a book on “good parenting” and did all of your disciplining while standing on his head, and you’re still trying to come to terms with your confusion.
Now, heaven and Brenda Brundtland-Govanni forbid that I bore my readers, so, when somebody asks me a difficult question, I answer by making shit up. It’s really clever shit, very authoritative sounding. Some of it is based on the Macho Code of Manliness, of course; the rest blends Freud with Popular Mannix. And, who knows? If my theory about fathers is wrong, the shit I make up is as likely to be true as anything else.
The Tech Answer Guy
Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
Is that true?
Sincerely,
Sam from Nam
Yo, Sam,
Not a word of it. Weren’t you paying attention to the part about making shit up?
The Tech Answer Guy
Yo, Tech Answer Guy,
According to rule 27 of the Macho Code of Manliness, and I quote: Everything in the world is black and white. Real men don’t eat ambiguity.
Unfortunately, I find “a lot of ambig”uity in today’s column. (Sorry about the quotes – they drifted.) So, what’s it gonna be – you make up shit or you don’t?
Sincerely,
Alphonse from Beyonce
Yo, Alphonse,
Yes.
The Tech Answer Guy
If you are a dude with a question about the latest technology, ask The Tech Answer Guy by sending it to questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Just remember: The Tech Answer guy recently…put out his…back. Yeah, that’s it. His back. Was put out. He was…rescuing…a…a kitten that had gotten stuck up a – in a – at the bottom of a gravity well. A kitten stuck in a well. That’s how he put out his back. And, long story short – not, we would like to make clear, that the Alternate Reality News Service has anything against tall people, we’re just sayin’ – The Tech Answer Guy’s doctor has been experimenting with the dosages of his meds. So, if he seems a little…different, cut the guy some slack. Did we, uhh, did we mention he was saving a kitten?