Dear Amritsar,
Baffley, my boyfriend, sweeps me off my feet every time we’re together. Literally. He has OMD (not the 80s synth band, but Obsessive Mopping Disorder, although, to be fair, he’s got a good beat and you can dance to him). After a while, it can get old, but he uses a variety of scented soaps to keep things fresh. Romantically, as well as hygienically, I mean.
The great thing about our relationship is that we agree on everything. What breakfast cereals to eat. How high my blouses should be buttoned. Why Citizens United was the worst Supreme Court decision in the history of the United States, and possibly the world (although the Pleistocene Era court’s decision in Og v. Thag comes very, very close).
Unfortunately, one thing we cannot agree on is what television show to watch. I want to watch Operation Runway (a reality show about models in designer lingerie who do surgery on the catwalk); Baffley wants to watch CSI/Law & Order Grudge Match (the strangest concept for a wrestling show I have ever heard of). He insists upon watching Monster Truck Hoarders despite the fact that it is on at the same time as my favourite show this afternoon, Grrrlz. He doesn’t understand why I adore New Gorilla; I don’t understand why anybody watches anything by Aaron Sorkin. Our tastes appear to be irreconcilable.
For the last couple of months, we’ve had to wrestle for the remote. Literally. I have three inches and at least <mumble></mumble> pounds on Baffley, so our battle seems unfair, but he has a flying elbow flurry that sometimes catches me off guard, so he has been able to watch his share of shows.
In the interest of domestic harmony – and keeping our medical expenses down – we bought a pair of Remote Chance headsets. You know – the hardware that allows you to wirelessly control the TV set with your mind? What a disaster!
When we physically wrestled for control of the remote, it could take as much as five minutes before one of us gave in, which meant five minutes of watching what one of us wanted to watch. Out of the corner of our eye…while our attention was otherwise occupied, perhaps, but still. Now, the channels flip in seven elevenths of a second, making it impossible for either of us to follow anything.
Worse, after a couple of hours of trying to watch something, our hands start to shake uncontrollably, like we’re having Lori Petty mal seizures. Not only that, but we’ve had to use enough tissues to staunch our bleeding noses to keep a small African village honking for a month!
Do you see any way that we can make this work?
“Ready” Betty Spaghetti
Hey, Babe,
Relationships ultimately rise or fall on the tide of respect and compromise. However, if you don’t have respect and find it difficult to compromise, there is always software.
Open the Remote Chance’s Out of Control Panel and look under the File > Initiate Destruct Sequence > Surprisingly Useful but Well Hidden Detritus menu. There, you will find an Engage Random Determination. Double click with a triple axel on this function to turn it on. This will randomly assign the next 20 channel changes to one or the other of you and lock the other out for anywhere from 2 minutes to three hours and 27 seconds.
Of course, if either of you goes to Tools > You Certainly Are One If You Do This > Random Determination Override, you can break the other person’s hold on the programme. Amritsar doesn’t believe using the term “stupid” is ever helpful to resolving disputes among adults, so let’s just say that this feature of the software was really, really, really dumb.
Oh, and be careful not to double click with a triple axel on Engage Random Destruct. You’d be surprised at how many television sets – not to mention marriages – have been destroyed by this really, really, really, really silly mix-up.
Dear Amritsar,
We tried to use the software you suggested. When he had control, Baffley kept switching the channel to America’s Dumbest Criminals’ Bloopers, Bleepers, Blunders and Baseness. Every single time. How am I supposed to deal with that?
“Ready” Betty Spaghetti
Hey, Babe,
Smoke him.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: there’s compromise, and there’s being a doormat. Know the difference. (HINT: being forced by obviously biased computer software to watch America’s Dumbest Criminals’ Bloopers, Bleepers, Blunders and Baseness is NOT legitimate compromise.)<,p>