Dear Amritsar,
For a school presentation, I need to use my Home Universe GeneratorTM to record footage from a universe where Abraham Lincoln is driving a Ford Lincoln into Lincoln, Nebraska while listening to Linkin Park on the radio and checking out his LinkedIn stats on his iPad.
What would be the best combination of terms to guarantee that this reality would come up within the first 1,000 responses using my Google Multiverse search engineTM?
Reginald Mbibe, age 37
Hey, Babe,
You can do a Google Multiverse search if all you want is specific information. However, this seems like a poor use of such an information-rich environment. The problem with modern search engines is that they don’t allow for serendipity, the happy accidents (not to be confused with the unhappy accidents Serendipity-doo-dah, your Italian Schnauzer, leaves you) where you find information you didn’t even know you were looking for.
Enrico Barbicon has written that there are two fundamental types of search: instrumental and operant. The first has to do with tubas, trombones, triangles and the like. The second has to do with splenectomies, hysterectomies and triple coronary bypasses, among others. The problem with this approach is that it leaves out an awful lot of information that people who are not Enrico Barbicon might be interested in.
The best thing for you to do would be to meditate, freeing your mind of all things Lincoln; then, write down the first three terms that pop into your head and use them as the basis for your search. This is sometimes referred to as the “Dirk Gently, Gently” search method. You may not find what you are looking for, but you may just find something that changes your life.
No need to thank me – it’s my job.
Dear Amritsar,
Umm, okay, that’s interesting, I guess. To somebody who doesn’t have a tight deadline and an unforgiving teacher. But, all I want is specific information. Really. So, if you could just give me the best search terms to do the job, I would be very grateful.
Reginald Mbibe, age 37 (and not getting any younger)
Hey, Babe,
A wise man once said, “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single phone call to your travel agent.” And, you know, these words are truer today than when I first heard them three days ago.
You’re asking for help finding information, but what you really need is wisdom. (I’m going to skip the knowledge part because that has already been thoroughly covered by Johnny Knoxville.) Information is a log on a fire that quickly burns to ash, whereas wisdom is the anteater that steers the starship. Can’t you see that I’m trying to teach you how to fish?
You’ll thank me later.
Dear Amritsar,
You’re not going to answer my question, are you?
Reginald Mbibe, age 37 (so, obviously, I wasn’t born yesterday)
Hey, Babe,
The problem with today’s generation is that instant coffee, instant mashed potatoes (just add potatoes) and instant car washes in a bottle have conditioned people to want instant gratification in every aspect of their lives. Unfortunately, some things – like sex or New York Times editorials – are better if you take your time with them.
Oh, sure, I could just give you the answer to the question you have asked. And, you would finish your project and you would probably get a great mark. However, in your rush to succeed, you will have missed out on a moment of pure discovery, and how will that help you savour the wonder of the world?
Giving advice is a thankless task.
Dear Amritsar,
Well, I spent half the night looking for the right reality to capture on my Home Universe GeneratorTM. Found it, too. Only, I was so tired in class that I showed five minutes of a video capture of Gerald Ford driving a Ford town car into Fort Ord while watching Ford Prefect ford a river in a film by John Ford! I savoured completely failing the assignment, although the video has gone viral on YoohooTube.
I would have been better off doing the search on my own in the first place!
Reginald Mbibe, age 37 (but this whole incident has added years to my look)
Hey, Babe,
Now, you are starting to learn.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: I dreamed I was a used hoverboard salesman. Or, was I a used hoverboard salesman who dreamed he was an advice columnist? I found my time in the Tibetan monastery very confusing…