Dear Amritsar,
My dad is 37 and my mom is 34. Should I have The Talk with them now, or have I left it too late?
Timmy (aged 12)
Hey, Babe,
Parents can be so difficult, sometimes, can’t they?
Family therapists and cardboard cutouts of 18th century world leaders cannot seem to agree on when the best time for The Talk is. Some argue that, given the accelerating pace of technological change in the world, 30 year-old parents may already be too clueless to understand the environment in which their children live. A different some (possibly arrived at using a different numerical base) argue that unbelievably old parents, maybe even 40, could appreciate some aspects of The Talk, even if they are likely to miss some of the subtle nuances.
Everybody generally agrees, though, that the sooner you have The Talk, the better. The cardboard cutout of France’s Henry IV is especially adamant on this point.
When you first try to initiate The Talk with one or both of your parents, look for subtle clues that they are able to comprehend what you are saying. If, for instance, you try to explain to your father where Tweets come from, and he puts his hands over his ears and starts shouting, “Ooh, get away from me! Cooties! COOTIES!”, you’ve probably left it too long. Similarly, if your mother hugs her knees, rocks back and forth and moans, “I never knew. I never knew. I never knew,” over and over again, it’s probably too late to give her The Talk.
Some adults are so scared by The Talk that they will insist that they want to have their own The Talk with you. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS! THIS IS A DIVERSIONARY TACTIC TO AVOID DEALING WITH AN UNCOMFORTABLE TRUTH! In the face of resistance, calmly but firmly assert the primacy of your concerns, reassuring them that it’s natural for children to have a different relationship to technology than their parents, especially as the speed of change increases. At first, they may be overwhelmed by what you are trying to tell them; it never hurts to have an episode of Murder, She Wrote or Golden Girls cued up and ready to go in case they need to be calmed down.
Patience is the key to a successful The Talk, especially if your parents initially resist what you’re trying to tell them. If, at first, The Talk does not go well, as tempted as you may be in your frustration, do not start a Twitter account called “Shit My Dad Says.” This will likely embarrass your parents. And, it will definitely get you sued by William Shatner. Celebrity lawsuits are never good for family harmony.
Despite all of the potential problems, it’s important to have The Talk with your parents, because tech information they get from the streets may be unreliable Your parents might try to buy a cam peripheral from a shady dealer at the back of a Best Buy, but, when they get it home, you find that they have actually bought a penguin. Good luck trying to find the person who sold it to them, let alone get reimbursed for all of the pickled herring your family has to buy while waiting to hear if the local zoo is willing to take the penguin off your hands!
The problem may not be so obvious, though. If you ask them in a non-judging way, your parents may open up and admit that they have experimented with Pinterest. There is nothing wrong with this, per se; parents are naturally inquisitive, and will try out new technologies without a real sense of the consequences. The whole point of The Talk is to make sure that they are made aware of the consequences, so that when they are ready to use the latest technologies, they do so as safely as possible.
However it goes, always keep in mind that you love your parents very much and want what’s least embarrassing for them. Oh, and that your children will someday have to give you The Talk. Most children seem to forget this fact. I would recommend tattooing it on your chest.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: you know how, wearing Google glasses, people of the opposite sex are willing to forgive you for walking into them because they assume that you didn’t quite see them there? That excuse for feeling others up is only going to work for early adopters, and not for very long. When more people have experience with Google glasses, they are going to learn that they contain anti-collision software (combining GPS tracking, echolocation and the Colonel’s secret recipe of eleven herbs and spices) that warns users when they are getting too close to another object. Perv.