Dear Amritsar,
I’ve been involved with this woman, Donna, for over a year. She makes tattoos for people with prosthetic limbs. I always thought there was something Noble about that, giving permanent images of snakes wrapped around the skulls of Smurfs to people whose lives had been forever changed in bizarre Cuisinart accidents.
Donna is smart [By which he means: she agrees with everything I say. BB-G], funny [What he actually means is: she laughs at all of my jokes. BB-G] and fun to be with (let’s just say we’re in a good position to have children when we’re ready for them). I think…I think I may be in love with her. Don’t tell her I said that – things seem to be going so well, after all…
The problem is that she’s 27 5.6 34 16 8A4117 79BAEC 7EE 123 B Positive 112 212.2748.
Now, I’m not one of those guys who insists that a woman be 5.9 and 97 – stick women totally turn me off. In fact, I would prefer it if Donna was 140, maybe even 150 – real women have curves, baby!
Still – 8A4117? Mousy doesn’t even begin to describe it! I’m more of a F778A1 guy, myself. F778A1 combined with 79BAEC – my knees are getting weak just thinking about it! I’m sitting down, so it will have minimal impact on my health, but still!
And, if it comes to that, 212.2748? How…boring. Now, if Donna had 432.979, that would really be something, don’t you think?
What I’m saying, and I’m embarrassed to admit this but I can ignore it no longer, is that, for me, Donna’s numbers just don’t add up to a permanent relationship.
Oh, Amritsar, I don’t know what to do! Should I commit myself to Donna, or should I look for somebody who is closer to my ideal?
Morton Montmorency
Hey, Babe,
You’re an idiot. Most of the time, I can show my disdain for somebody’s foolishness with wittily cutting remarks, but sometimes I feel the need to set aside snide condescension for more direct condescension. And, hey! – aren’t you lucky? This just happens to be one of those times.
Height, weight, shoe size, mystery – these are all just numbers! You could spend a thousand lifetimes looking for somebody who perfectly fits your ideal number pattern – even with eHarmony! Meanwhile, you have a living, breathing goddess in your life who, for some unfathomable reason, wants to be with you.
And, what, exactly, is wrong with 212.2748, anyway? Amritsar is 249.237, and I lead a full, happy life! In fact, I’m perfectly happy with my numbers: 23 5.11 32 24 250517 7E3517 9.5 132 AB 137 249.237.
Well, okay, 5.11 is a bit of pain – most people, especially men, mostly men, almost exclusively men – don’t like it when women look down on them. 5.7 would, I think, be preferable. And, I generally find that playing down my 137 is best – people get so defensive when they think you’re smarter than they are just because you probably are smarter than they are! And, now that I come to think of –
Oh, dear lord, you’ve got me doing it, now! Forget the numbers! Love the woman you love!
Dear Amritsar,
Oh. So, you’re saying that I should stay with Donna and forget my dream of finding a perfect match? Okay.
Still, you wouldn’t happen to know what Angelina Jolie’s numbers are, would you? I’m just curious.
Morton Montmorency
Hey, Babe,
Okay. In the first place, just because somebody is a public figure doesn’t mean that their vital statistics are public property. The woman has a right to privacy, and you should try to respect that.
In the second place, I thought I made it clear that you should stay with your current girlfriend. If a woman walks by and you idly wonder about some or all of her numbers, that’s one thing: calculate but don’t touch. On the other hand, seeking out the numbers of a woman you do not know – and, let’s be honest, aren’t very likely to ever know – smacks of emotional infidelity.
In the third place – why am I even still talking to you?
Dear Amritsar,
At what point do self-absorbed characters become positively solipsistic?
H. Caulfield
Hey, Babe,
At the point where they write in to fictional advice columnists asking at what point their self-absorption turns into solipsism.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: put the bowl down and slowly walk away from the four-alarm sushi and nobody gets hurt.