Dear Amritsar,
It’s the dream of all lovers to experience U2’s “One.” Unfortunately, when my lover and I tried it, it was more like A Nightmare on Elm Street.
Barkie – that’s not my pet name, or anything, that’s what his parents really named him: Barkie Berkowitz – and I had been living together for three years when – look, I don’t know why anybody would call their child Barkie. I mean, maybe they never wanted children and this was their subtle way of letting Bob – that’s my pet name for Barkie – it’s true that people who don’t know him assume that that’s his real name when they hear me use it, but…but…uhh…
Anyhoosiewhatsis, we had been living together for three years when we bought I 2 I, which promised “to melt the brains of lovers until they are one glorious, love-filled puddle.” Kind of an icky image, but we agreed with the general idea. Like kids at Christmas, we shaved most of the hair on our heads, gelled up our scalps and attached the plastic electrodes to 17 different points. (Okay, maybe kids in a Tim Burton version of Christmas.) Then, we waited to be able to read each other’s thoughts.
And, the worst part is, we succeeded.
Barkie’s memories and emotions washed over me like pine scented raw sewage. What I remember from that session includes: when he was a kid, he had a crush on Florence Henderson; he wished we had a dog so he could feed my meatloaf to it when I wasn’t looking (he told me it reminded him of his mother’s cooking – I should have remembered that she was the one who named him Barkie); he voted for Harper – twice!; he really did think those pants made my ass look fat; he dreamed of being a long-distance tranquilizer dart shooter at the Winter Olympics; when we made love, he often fantasized about…about Florence Henderson (only 37 per cent of the time, but still!), and; worse. Much worse.
After this experience, I don’t think I can live with Bob any more. But, was what we went through really enough to justify ending the relationship?
Faith Justine Yak
Hey, Babe,
That’s life, isn’t it? You hope you’re getting Gordon Lightfoot’s “If You Could Read My Mind” but you actually end up with “Black Day in July.” (That, by the way, is how you make a comparative cultural reference. Starting with a musical reference, then switching to a film title is like comparing apples and orangutans. Messy.)
The I 2 I has been controversial since it was released onto the market five months four days three hours and 17 gastropods ago; in fact, it has been blamed for the breakup of more marriages than Marilyn Monroe. It would seem that people don’t really want to know what a tale their partners’ minds could tell!
Theodoric Monangahela, CEO of Mutant Technologies, the company that manufactures I 2 I, recently told journalists that using it was “like a form of ESP, but without the exploding heads.” When Somebody pointed out that it was just a repurposing of the company’s Psychrect 2000 technology (Richard Somebody of the Cayuga Times and Picayune), Monangahela shrugged and said, “You got a problem with somebody making a buck?” Somebody said he couldn’t see how Mutant Technologies products would put any money into his pocket. The press conference broke up in confusion.
I asked my dear friend Deepak Chopra for his opinion of the I 2 I. “Relationships,” he told me, “are based on honesty. But, carefully modulated honesty. Honesty tarted up by the judicious use of evasions and obfuscations. As Jack Nicholson truly said, ‘You can’t handle the truth!’ So, relationships are based on honesty that looks a lot like dishonesty, but is done for noble purposes. Like, being able to sleep on the bed instead of the couch.”
Except for the terrible Jack Nicholson impression, wise words, indeed.
Your relationship has been compromised worse than Jason Bourne. End it cleanly or you’ll have to spend at least three movies dodging friends at The Agency who want you dead.
UPDATE: Under pressure from advice columnists throughout the country, the government is considering forcing Mutant Technologies to create a label that reads: “CAUTION: this product has broken up more marriages than Marilyn Monroe. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.” Some people warn, however, that this warning would give anybody who wanted to get out of a relationship the perfect excuse to do so. Still, if the warning stops some people from naïvely using the I 2 I, the sacrifice of your relationship will not have been in vain.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: don’t let anybody near your frontal lobes unless you’re sure they’ve washed their hands!