Dear Amritsar,
Our baby daughter has my eyes and my husband Philbert’s nose. She has uncle Guido’s hair (he always had great hair, even when there wasn’t very much of it left on his head) and auntie Modrolla’s ears, nose and throat (she specialized). Our daughter has the cutest spleen thanks to grandpa Aguilar (he may have been a right bastard, but he had the most photogenic spleen you’ve ever seen) and, when she grows into them, will have aunt Zelda’s breasts (I know, I know, Zelda had been excommunicated from the family because of the tortellini incident, but, really, that was over 40 years ago and, anyway, she fed nine children with those breasts and they still looked fabulous, so we knew our daughter just had to have them). We tried to give her my brother’s elbows, but he doesn’t believe in science – I know, right? In this day and age! But, he does live in a shack in the country without electricity or a Nintendo WII, so I guess at least he’s not hypocritical about it – so we had to settle for my husband’s cousin Elmorrie’s less perfect but still pretty amazing elbows. Uncle Guido (again) gave our baby her big toes (you’d be surprised at how difficult it is to find really cute big toes!). From my cousin Penelopea, she got her aorta (Penelopea, may she rest in peace, lived to 102 despite smoking like a chimney – she had a set of lungs on her that could drop a rhino at 200 feet!) And, of course, she has Albert Einstein’s IQ and Benny Hill’s sense of humour.
What should we name her?
Jessica Philomena Eroica Janet Planet Majors Alison Catchall-Dumbrowski
Hey, Babe
Genetic engineering has really come a long way, hasn’t it?
Shakespeare once said, “What’s in a name?” It took over 300 years, but a Fortune survey of truly stinking rich people finally came up with an answer: three to five million dollars and a shot at the CEO’s office. According to the magazine, names to embrace: Biff, Todd, Gil and James. Names to avoid: Slappy, Gomez, Dinette and Pol Pot.
Given this, I think you will agree that the name you give your child is very important. (Of course, according to most sources other than Fortune, a female child will only make 72 per cent of what a male child will make, but, if she has a really weird name, she’ll make even less, so the general principle holds better than Krazy Glu.)
There are a number of approaches you could try to naming your daughter that recognize the various people who contributed their genetic material to her. For example, you could build a name out of the initials of all of them: J from your name, P from your husband’s name, G from your uncle’s name, and so on. If you do this, you get: Jpgmazepab. Hmm…it could be…Serbian.
Or, here’s an idea: use an anagram of the initials of all of the people who donated their etc. This could give you the name…Bappazjegm! Or, perhaps, Zjappegamb. There: many people would consider that name Polish. In a dimly lit room… If they didn’t look at it too closely…
Another possible way of finding a name for your child would be to combine objects that have special significance for each of the people who donated their you know the drill. You, for instance, might really like roses. Your husband might collect pipe cleaners. For uncle Guido, it could be an old teddy bear. And, so on. This would yield a name like: Rose Pipe Cleaner Teddy Machette iPod Iris Grenade Lioness Dreamcatcher Lily. Of course, you may want to choose your objects more carefully; according to Fortune, the name Lily is a real career killer.
Worthy approaches all. For myself, I would name your daughter Jane.
Dear Amritsar,
Why Jane?
Jessica Philomena Eroica Janet Planet Majors Alison Catchall Dumbrowski
Hey, Babe,
Why not Jane?
Dear Amritsar,
Where is the life we have lost in the living?
Tom Eliot
Hey, Babe,
It’s dropped behind the couch in the den. Really, Tom, if you would just take better care of the life we have lost in the living, you wouldn’t lose track of it so easily!
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: I don’t want you to tell you how to run your life, but, you know, maybe I do, just a little.