Dear Amritsar,
Why do the lives of versions of me in other universes that I see on the screen of my Home Universe GeneratorTM seem to be so much more interesting than the one I actually live?
Indus Fischel
Hey, Babe,
What you describe is known as The Quaterpoundermass Quandary. It was first propounded by Mrs. Loretta Fixedaddress five years before the creation of the Home Universe GeneratorTM – an astonishing feat of prescience that she later explained arose because she had “accidentally taken the brown acid,” which was “none too good.”
Simply put: Google MultiverseTM search optimization algorithms ensure that, no matter what input variables you employ, your results will be biased in favour of the innovative and exciting. Yes, believe it or not, that was simply put: the complicated version runs to five volumes and the cost of a fighter jet. A used fighter jet, perhaps, but still.
An example would probably help. Suppose you conduct the following Google MultiverseTM search:
Obviously, because your search included the term “achievement,” your results will tend to be positive. I’m not sure what a positive achievement in the realm of zebra enhancement would actually be: colouring its stripes? running an ad campaign to raise its public approval (“Baby zebras – not just a black and white issue!”)? a new, and somewhat bizarre, cure for erectile dysfunction?
Changing your search terms would mitigate the problem, but wouldn’t eliminate it. Consider this Google MultiverseTM search:
You are more likely to find articles about using enhanced zebras to drill for oil using these terms than you are to find a duller, less interesting you. Because, let’s be honest, that’s an innovative use of zebra enhancements, whatever they may be.
Let’s try a different set of terms:
This is most likely to return results focused on Monty Python’s Flying Circus. I’ll bet you didn’t know that you were connected to the British sketch comedy television series – congratulations! It may be a stupid connection, but just being connected to Python likely makes you more interesting than you are in this reality!
Perhaps you think you’ll have better luck with a random search query. How about:
Beige – nice touch, that. Is there a more boring colour on the planet? Well, yes: #F5F5DC. Still, for utter visual blandness, beige is right up there.
Unfortunately, that’s combined with algae prophylactics. When somebody thinks of prophylactics, they’re thinking about sex, and that is never dull (thinking about sex – I make no promises about the act itself). Okay, the thought of algae sex isn’t all that appealing – does algae even reproduce sexually? However, the “London Fog” search term makes things interesting again.
Just picture it: algae making out in the grey mists of a London fog. It’s alluring. It’s vaguely mysterious. It’s terrifically sexy. Even if it is algae. Or, looked at from another angle, imagine a tall man on a street corner in a London Fog coat, opening it up to reveal algae prophylactics for sale. What brings a man to such a point in his life?
Sorry, but that’s damn interesting!
There’s no way of getting around The Quaterpoundermass Quandary, but, honestly, why bother? Do you really want to see yourself in situations where your life is worse than the one you are currently living? I would argue that you do not. Think about it, and you’ll see why. No, just think about it. Seriously, you know why – just – no, I – I won’t spoon fee – honestly, it wouldn’t take a lot of thought, if you just – well, I’m not telling you, so you’re going to have to think of it yourself. Go ahead. It really isn’t as hard as you seem to think.
Harrumph.
Or, you could just do what most other people do: use Google MultiverseTM to search for alternate realities where your friends and family are doing worse than they are in your universe. According to the Polidori-Enn-Grey Paradox, people have no difficulty finding realities where others are worse off!
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: Hey, kids, please don’t ask me for help with your high school assignments. That’s what Wiwipedia is for!