Dear Amritsar,
I fell in love with a man who shall not be named, because Mark dumped me after a month of bli – gak! Okay, that slipped out, but I’m not going to say another word about him. Sure, looking back on it, I now realize that he had a temper – his family had come from Bratislava when he was just – gnerk! Okay. Seriously. Nothing else. I did not see the breakup coming – although, now that I think about it, as a lawyer, Mark was always good at hiding things he didn’t want – gacknerkik!
Sorry – I…I got something stuck in my throat. It could have been a lump, although I’m thinking it was a hairball. Either way – sorry.
Despite his retrospective shortcomings, my heart was broken when…he who shall not be described broke up with me. So, I did what any other woman would have done in my shoes: I created my own version of him. The physical details were easy…mmm, with my incredible hand memory, I should have been an sculptress. Or, an air guitarist. When it came time to recreate his emotional palette, can I be blamed if I wanted to tweak it a bit? You know, to rid him of the anger, alcoholism and general inarticulateness which I didn’t mention before because I thought I would – gaflerknickag!
I have no doubt that my fleshling mother would object to me doing this, but she never reads your column (sorry, but you had to know there were people who can’t stand superficial fatuosity masquerading as profun – this is just making it worse, isn’t it? forget I mentioned it), so as long as none of your readers tell her what I’ve done, there should be no problem. Hmm…
I’ll start coming up with excuses now.
At first, my relationship with Mark Mark II was wonderful, with long candlelit dinners in transom cabs on long ocean cruises. But, after a while, I realized that there was something missing, that Mark II wasn’t the Mark…I that I had fallen in love with. He seemed too…passive, never seeming to have an original idea or desire of his own. And, it’s true that I may have loved a man like that when I was 12, but I’m now 112 and beyond such superficial fatuosities.
Where did I go wrong?
Mindy
Hey, Babe,
What are we talking here? Cloning? Robotics? Wishful thinking? I can’t give you solid advice if I don’t know all of the details of your situation.
Dear Amritsar,
Aagghaflerknicknagak! I guess I should have mentioned that I live in Blaisdell’s Brazil, a virtual environment. Kind of important, hunh? Mark II is a software emulation of the original in a shared, persistent virtual world.
So, now where did I go wrong?
Mindy
Hey, Babe,
Now it all makes sense. I’m guessing that you used the Deeper Thought app to create Mark II – am I correct?
Dear Amritsar,
That’s right. How…how did you know?
And, like, I’m not a masochist or anything, but are we gonna get to the part where you explain where I went wrong any time soon?
Mindy
Hey, Babe,
Here’s the thing. The human mind is a complex mechanism – kind of like a grandfather clock, but with an undercurrent of sodden inevitability. The slushy undercurrent, at that. You can try to tweak its parameters, but be sure to have extra towels on hand just in case!
You made a very common mistake: by dampening Mark II’s aggressive behaviours (which you didn’t like), you made him much more passive (which you didn’t like). You would really need a degree in neurological software engineering to work with something so complex, and, even then, the cost of drying all of those towels could prove prohibitive!
It certainly didn’t help that you used an app for your purpose. When you download your mind into a virtual reality, all of its functions are copied. When you try to build a mind from scratch in a virtual reality, you mostly get generic pieces. It’s the difference between a dill pickle and a whale’s penis.
And, you don’t have to go to the Icelandic Phallological Museum to appreciate that that’s a really big difference.
Ordinarily, my advice to you would be to get over Mark I and move on to somebody who would better suit you. My experience with virtual people is that its takes them at least 17 tries at recreating their former loved ones before they finally get frustrated and give up. Write me again XV Marks from now.
Send your relationship problems to the Alternate Reality News Service’s sex, love and technology columnist at questions@lespagesauxfolles.ca. Amritsar Al-Falloudjianapour is not a trained therapist, but she does know a lot of stuff. AMRITSAR SAYS: My big girl panties are made of titanium. When you go big girl, go big, girl!