Thank you, Mindy Mortification, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, the New York State Attorney General’s office filed suit against Donald Trump (that’s President for Life Trump to you!) and members of his family in connection with the Donald J. Trump Foundation. The civil suit alleges that Donald, Don Jr., Ivanka and Eric used foundation money for personal and campaign expenses, which, in legal parlance, is “a big nono.”
We tried to get worked up over the lawsuit, but we found it hard to get any serious indignation going. This is likely because we were taught when we were going up that charity begins in the home.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Doland Of The Free, Home Of The Craven
Almost 2,000 children have been separated from their parents at the Mexican border, roughly 46 a day since Operation Godwin’s Law Violation Bait began. The American government, not prepared to house this many children, has erected a tent in Texas, where temperatures are starting to reach 100 degrees.
In response, Timothy Doland, the Cardinal of New York, stated, “Well. I expect that will be the last that we’ll be hearing from the American government about the way the Church treats children!”
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1106749601267480.xml]
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Must Be Nice Not To Be Bombardiered With Facts
2 word for weirds) Bombardier has made a deal with Air Connection Express to sell the airline $200 million worth of planes. This is despite the fact that Angolan President Joao Lourenco said that the airline is “a fictitious company” that “will not take off, will not happen.” In public. On the record. If it isn’t an airline, what, exactly, is the reason for Air Connection Express’ existence?
a) extra income for family members and government associates of President Lourenco
b) low-hanging fruit for Canadian satirists
c) on the plus side, the company’s carbon footprint will be amazing for the environment!
par 3…for the course) How does Bombardier justify this sale?
a) “We made a deal with a real company that really exists. Really. What they do with the planes we build is their problem, not ours!”
b) “If the company that bought our planes doesn’t exist, then we won’t have to pretend that we’ll finish them on time!”
c) “At least now people are talking about something other than streetcars!”
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Going And Figuring Was What Got Manafort Into Trouble In The First Place
Trump Campaign Chair Paul Manafort has gone to jail because a judge believed that he had tried to tamper with witnesses.
Apparently, his defence, “I didn’t talk to any potential witnesses in the case…by which I mean I did talk to some of the witnesses in the case, but I in no way tried to influence their testimony…exactly…okay, maybe I tried to influence their testimony, a little, but the conversations were so short that I didn’t really have time to tamper with…yeah, okay, I know how lame that sounds, so…so…so, how was I supposed to know that they were potential witnesses? If you would just supply me with a list of potential witnesses against me, I’ll know in future to stay away from them! Yeah. That’s it. Give me a list of potential witnesses,” did not go over well with US District Judge Amy Berman Jackson.
Go figure.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2007Jan01.html]
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Of Course, Anything In Which Chadwick Boseman Or Sarah Paulson Star In Is Exempt
Seventy per cent of Canadians told a poll that they plan on looking for ways to avoid buying goods made in the United States as a response to American tariffs on Canadian goods, as well as that country’s general belligerence. “Ca! Na! Da!” said typical respondent Alfie Goodrummy. “Canada! Canada! Canada! Woot! Woot! Woot! Gooooooo, Canada!”
Of course, most of them responded to the survey using phones that had been manufactured in the United States, and, in many cases, their response were routed through servers in the US. And, many of them answered the questions while they were watching Designated Survivor or the reboot of Will and Grace on their American made TVs.
Still, when it comes to polls, it’s the thought that is counted.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=
1088591000813&call_pageid=968330008492&col=968660002154]
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The Update To Dante That Nobody Knew The World Needed
Peter Navarro, an adviser to President Trump on international trade, has apologized for saying that there was “a special place in Hell” for Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. “There is nothing special about him,” Navarro contritely stated. “At best, there will be an ordinary place in Hell for the Canadian Prime Minister. At worst, he’ll have to settle for a mediocre place in Hell. It depends on what kind of a legacy he is planning for, I guess.”
“Americans!” the Prime Minister’s office responded. “They’re really not very good at apologies, are they?”
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=47ddccd7-f6f3-4f4f-9f25-a2eb4cc6a334]
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Again, With Respect To Triviality, Chadwick Boseman And Sarah Paulson Are Exempt
Trump and Kim Lead Us to a Glorious Future
produced by Destiny Pictures
written by Do You Honestly Think Anybody With an Ounce of Shame Would Admit to Writing This?
starring Donald Trump, Kim Jong Un, amber fields of grain, missiles leaving silos, yachts
“Most people will be forgotten, because, let’s be honest, most people are forgettable. Even those who are remembered will, for the most part, be remembered for trivial things: starring in a popular movie or curing cancer. But, once in a while, destiny – not the company that made this film, but the determiner of all our fates – will put one extraordinary man…and one less extraordinary but still important man to our narrative – in a position to change history. Together they will forge -“
Oh, God, no more! In the name of all that is decent, no more! If this is the trailer for the next six years, put me in a detention camp along with immigrant children taken forcibly from their parents because I’ll go mad on the outside and become a menace to the safety of myself and others! The homo-erotic tension between President Trump and President Kim was kind of interesting. But, otherwise no amount of Visine will ever make my eyes right after seeing this! Avoid at all costs! Four negative stars! Aiieeeee!
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0102750/]
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