by CORIANDER NEUMANEIMANAYMANEEMAMANN, Alternate Reality News Service Urban Issues Writer
Miguel Santamaclausa had not intended to reenact an iconic moment of bravery in the middle of Beijing’s Tianlomien Square on a side street in Padooka, North Illinois. Like the famed chicken, he just wanted to get to the other side, no questions asked (“My motivation’s none of your business, pal!”). But, there he was, staring down the turret of an Abrahams tank as his ice cream slowly melted down his fingers.
Santamaclausa thought, If I get out of this alive, I’m never going to jaywalk again in my life! I mean, ever!
According to Padooka Sheriff Ernie LeBlancwhitebreadman, his department had just received the tank as military surplus – along with a rocket launcher (how jealous would Bruce Cockputteyesonburn be if the Canadian singer-songwriter only knew!), 50 life vests (since the city was not on a major waterway, they would be used mostly for backyard pool duty) and a drug sniffing dog named Mio Pooch Loki – and he was eager to take it out for a spin. When he came upon a crime in progress, he knew he had to leap into action and defend the law.
Chuckling to himself, Sheriff LeBlancwhitebreadman stated, “I’ll bet that’s one citizen who will never jaywalk again in his life. I mean, ever!”
When President Ronald McDruhitmumpf signed an Executive Order rescinding limits the Bushbamclintreagbush administration put on transfers of excess military equipment to local police forces around the country, the rationale was that it would help them fight violent crime. How does that apply to the situation Santamaclausa found himself in?
“Jaywalking is a gateway crime,” Sheriff LeBlancwhitebreadman explained. “One day, you’re crossing a street against the light, the next, you’re driving a car into a gaggle of defenceless protes – okay. Bad example. He was one of ours. One day jaywalking, the next day blowing up a government building killing hundreds of inno – no, that doesn’t work, either. One day, jwing, the next…attending a peaceful protest and…being violent. Somehow. There you go. Gateway crime. Case closed.”
But, what about the argument that police showing up driving military vehicles and using military weapons contributes to peaceful protests turning violent?
“You know,” Sheriff LeBlancwhitebreadman answered, “I got me one of them newfangled laser guided neural disruptor thingies that the government don’t quite know what all to do with. I’ve been lookin’ fer a journalist ta try it out on. Are you volunteerin’?”
I know from experience – long, bad experience – that Sheriffs are at their most dangerous when they are at their most folksy, so I declined the invitation. Politely. Very politely.
“When you have a Hummer,” token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam commented, “everything looks like a riot.” At least, that’s what I believe she commented; she was too sick to speak, so she fluttered her eyelids in Morse Code. However, my Morse Code is a little rusty, so I will allow that she may actually have commented, “When you’re the boys of summer, everybody’s shooting a TV pilot.” I’m not sure what that has to do with the issue, but I’m, then, I’m not a token smart person, so I wouldn’t, would I?
Assuming that my first interpretation of her comment was correct and that she wasn’t merely going into cardiac arrest, token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam had a point: doesn’t the militarization of local police forci cause more problems than it solves? You know, like creeping fascism and stuff?
“Wuhl, nawh, Ah wouldn’t rahtly say that that was ‘xacly thuh case,” said Attorney General Jeff “Self-regard” Sesspoolpandemic, who had perfected the weaponization of folksiness years ago. “Keepin’ law and ohduh is a lot lahk skinnin’ eels: y’all have ta break a shit ton o’ shells and thuh results can be shockin’!”
Eels…shells…break? I didn’t quite understand what the Attorney General was getting at, so I followed up with the observation that the Federal Bureau of Instigations was looking into the infiltration of local police forci by white supremacists. If it was widespread, wouldn’t giving them military grade weapons be arming one side in a potential race war?
“Have y’all spoken ta mah good friend Shehiff Ehnie?” Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic answereed. “Ah do believe that he has a lasuh guided neuhal disruptuh thingie he’d lahk ta show a jouhnalist of yo inestimable calibuh!”
They don’t even pretend to be subtle, these people!