by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
Fareeq “Ted” al-Matalalall thought it was a joke. A joke with a confusing setup and a poorly worded punchline, but a clear attempt at humour, nonetheless. After all, when was the last time somebody from Delaware, Mississippi was arrested on charges of allowing a camel in his care to go unconstrained in a public place and spit in the eye of a government official?
al-Matalalall wasn’t laughing when he found himself on a plane headed for the Middle Eastern country of Aqqa Velveeta. (Not that he had been laughing in the first place, the joke teller having poor diction and acutely bad timing, but he really wasn’t laughing on the plane, where he had been given a middle seat between a baby and a real estate agent.)
al-Matalalall had been the victim of an Executive Order signed by President Ronald McDruhitmumpf that anybody with an unVesampuccerian sounding name who has been convicted of a crime be immediately transported to a country that also has an unVesampuccerian sounding name. When it had been pointed out that al-Matalalall hadn’t been convicted of a crime, only accused of one, White Hosue Press Secretary Sean Spirochetericer tightly clutched the official press secretary podium (reinforced for those days when the press are getting…you know…fresh) and stated, “So, ICES agents may have been a little…overzealous. Still, I think we can all agree that deporting people with unVesampuccerian sounding names is the key to keeping us all safe!”
When it was pointed out that it wouldn’t necessarily be safe for the people who were being deported to countries with a less forgiving approach to foreigners than our (yes, they do exist), Spirochetericer broke off a piece of the podium and, waggling it at the reporters, responded, “Doesn’t anybody want to ask me about Ilona McDruhitmumpf’s line of topless and bottomless bathing suits? I think your readers would be much more interested in that than some boring old administrivia…don’t you?”
The next 12 questions were about Ilona McDruhitmumpf’s line of topless and bottomless swimwear.
“There are so many things wrong with this case that I don’t know where to begin!” exclaimed famed VCLU lawyer Alan Greenurpassterspanz. When, 93 minutes later, it became clear that he really wouldn’t be able to find a place to begin, I decided to jump in with some exposition.
al-Matalalall had been accused of breaking a law that had been enacted in 1835 because municipal Reeve Steve Goode-Gauleemollee nearly lost an eye when a camel that had been brought to Vesampucceri by showman P. T. Smithsoniation to promote Smithsoniation’s Magicke Elixir chewed through its rope and ran amok. When the dromedary was found three days later masquerading as a government peg leg inspector, the camel was put down (in the local press). Smithsoniation had been the only person to have been charged under the act in over 177 years.
“Yeah, that’s a good place to start,” Greenurpassterspanz agreed.
It is also true that al-Matalalall did not own a camel, had never been seen in public with a camel and, as far as anybody could tell, had never been within 703 miles of a camel. He had once seen a camel on the nature documentary show Mild Kingdom when he was but a wee sprat of a deportee, but it was chased down and graphically torn apart and eaten by a lion. A, err, sand lion. Al-Matalalall was so traumatized by the show that for years he would start crying if anybody innocently used the word “hump” in a sentence.
“Yes. Absolutely. That,” Greenurpassterspanz enthusiastically concurred. “Can you begin to see why I was having so much trouble beginning?”
There is also the fact that ICES may have confused Fareeq “Ted” al-Matalalall with Fareeq “Bill” al-Matalalall, an Iowan native who had also never seen a live camel in his life, although he had once owned a brown Beano Baby with orange and yellow streaks that could have been a camel. Or, a unicorn with its horn on its back. Or, a large, strangely misshapen platypus. But, it did spit. Sort of. If you soaked it in water overnight and squeezed really hard. Even then, it was more of a light dribble than a forceful oral expulsion of saliva.
“I wasn’t aware of that,” Greenurpassterspanz goggled, writing furiously on his legal notepad (he assured me that he hadn’t bought it on the black market). “If I had been, it would have made it even harder for me to figure out where to begin!”
“They seem to be determined to get rid of Vesampuccerians with unVesampuccerian names by any means necessary,” commented token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam through gritted teeth, clutching her stomach like it was Sean Spirochetericer’s podium. She should see a doctor – the woman did not look at all well.
Spirochetericer disagreed with the token smart person’s assessment. “We wanted to ensure that it was…you know…legal, so we spent twice as much time crafting this Executive Order as we did the first Executive Order – the one that the Extreme Court was so unfair to, so mean and…and…and petty to. You know, twice as much time as…” Then, he mouthed the words, “…the one we don’t talk about.”
When it was pointed out that the President took no time at all crafting the first Executive Order, Spirochetericer exasperatedly pointed back: “Why do you think we…” Then, he mouthed the words, “…don’t talk about it?”
On the phone, al-Matalalall told me, “I don’t know what to do – I’ve never been outside of Mississippi in my life! You wouldn’t happen to…do you have any idea where I might be able to get a thin-dish, deep-crust pizza in downtown Aqqa Velveeta City?”