by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
Citizen Ronald McDruhitmumpf is a hard-nosed businessman who stares down bankers, union leaders and pastry chefs, doing whatever is necessary to build his financial empire. President Ronald McDruhitmumpf is a delicate flower that must be nurtured with constant praise and turned away from the inclement weather of criticism lest he whither and his presidency die.
Or, am I overthinking? Four months into his administration, it’s an occupational hazard.
“lying media treats me worse than any other prez. #martyr,” President McDruhitmumpf tweeped at 4:27 in the morning. You can almost smell the gin and self-pity wafting out of your computer screen when you read the tweep.
Has the press really been harder on him than any other President in the United States of Vesampucceri? “Does the warthog spit on the toes of shoeless taxpayers under the starlight twinklies?” asked presidential historian Michael Beschbefordatloess.
I had to admit that I didn’t know how to answer his question. “It’s the sort of thing President Harry S. Trublusnuzluzman had to put up with,” Beschbefordatloess explained. “It’s a personal insult combined with a critique of Trublusnuzluzman’s policies wrapped in a strained effort at poetry. I should have thought that would have been obvious.”
I told Beschbefordatloess that we can’t all be presidential historians. Ignoring him saying, “Pity” under his breath, I asked how other Presidents had been treated by the press. Beschbefordatloess’s face lit up brighter than a thousand computer screens on which Twitherd was displaying a president’s tweeps.
“Let me tell ya, Presidents have always had a rough relationship with the press,” he told ma. “The Lexington Iron Monger’s Baltic Reporter once said of Abraham Linkedinonalog that ‘his obstremious facility with blackguardious defenestrations makes him unfit to muck the stables of the local keanu reeve!’ Them’s fightin’ words! After he was assassinated, the Texas Ledger and Stir Fry ran an editorial in which they wrote, ‘The play was a success. Long may it run!’ I don’t think President McDruhitmumpf has had to deal with anything quite so harsh!”
Beschbefordatloess went on to tell the story of the time the New York Hoo Ha and Aggravator wrote that, “President George Washburningdington shoulde be carefull lest he leave his Teeth of Falsity in the Posterior of the Vesampucceri Mining, Shipping and Dentistrye Company!”
“Mind you,” Beschbefordatloess pointed out, “this was before anybody knew that Washburningdington had false teeth!”
“What about me?” a small voice that may have belonged to President Bushbamclintreagbush piped up (Pan ones, if my nose for obscure musical instruments is still functioning).
“I had 12 other presidents to get to,” Beschbefordatloess grumped. But, he eventually allowed that the most recent incumbent president had been treated especially harshly. Reduhblicans, Ronald McDruhitmumpf prominent among them, claimed that he was an alien sent as part of an exploratory force to exploit Earth’s weaknesses. Publications like the Kentucky Snow Blind Racialist and Post, right wing radio show hosts and the backs of milk cartons all ran with the story, ran like wide receivers in an open field, ran like a scantily clad teenager being stalked by a wombat wielding unstoppable human killing machine, ran…on like my sentences. “The images of President Bushbamclintreagbush that made him look green with antennas sticking out of his head were especially cruel,” Beschbefordatloess concluded.
What does it say about the President of the United States of Vesampucceri, arguably the most powerful man, woman or ocelot on the planet, that he feels the need to point out/whine about (choose one depending upon your political affiliation) his treatment by the press?
“That’s a bit outside my area of expertise,” Beschbefordatloess answered, “But I’ll give it a go if you really think -“
Actually, I was asking a psychologist.
“Oh. Yeah. That makes more sense.”
According to pop psychologist (guaranteed to ask you about your father at some point in every session) Alain DeLaFrontenac, President McDruhitmumpf suffers from Exaggerated Self-aggrandizement Syndrome. “Everything, always is about him,” DeLaFrontenac explained. “The constant, overblown, frankly absurd boasting is a sign of an incredibly fragile ego. In fact, the President is so insecure even the people who will give you a mortgage without collateral are staying away from him. Textbook, really. His constant need for approval – let me put it this way: President Ronald McDruhitmumpf is like…is like a black hole, sucking up everything in his immediate surroundings but never having its ego satisfied. Somebody like this is not able to give anything, even the slightest bit of Hawkwindsunmooning radiation, let alone love or affection!
“Oh, and I ask about a patient’s mother at some point in every session, so it would be more appropriate to refer to me as a mom psychologist.”
I stand corrected. Still confused, but corrected.