Nothing Gets Across the Great Divide

MSNBC ANCHOR: So. Wow. I mean: hoo boy. This is big. I mean: really big. The big thing we covered yesterday? This is bigger. So. Remember, on the campaign trail, when Donald Trump boasted that he could shoot somebody in broad daylight and it wouldn’t affect his popularity? He did. He really said that. Well, it looks like that statement is going to be put to the test because, in breaking news, Donald Trump did it. This afternoon he shot a man. Outside an International House of Pancakes. Completely killed him. And, he was immediately arrested for it.

The facts are not in dispute. After the incident? Before the police arrived? President Trump tweeted this: “had grate lunch at IHOP. Shot man just 2 watch him dye. Very graifying.” So. Pretty clear, right?

I’m joined now by a Democratic Member of Congress. Democratic Member of Congress, thanks for being here.

DEMOCRATIC MEMBER OF CONGRESS: Thanks for having me on your show, MSNBC Anchor.

MSNBC ANCHOR: Democratic Member of Congress, what do you make of what happened earlier today?

DEMOCRATIC MEMBER OF CONGRESS: It’s a travesty, MSNBC Anchor. An absolute travesty! It violates all the norms of bi-partisan cooperation and good government! Not to mention that it’s a crime!

MSNBC ANCHOR: What do you think about how the police handled the situation?

DEMOCRATIC MEMBER OF CONGRESS: You mean, letting go of the President after only 37 minutes of questioning? Ridiculous. If a Democratic President had shot a man in the middle of the street in the middle of the afternoon, he would have been thrown into a deep, dark dungeon, and everybody on the right would be demanding he suffer the death penalty yesterday! It’s a double standard, MSNBC Anchor. A terrible double standard.

MSNBC ANCHOR: How do you think this will affect the President’s approval ratings?

DEMOCRATIC MEMBER OF CONGRESS: They’re going to drop faster than Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Apprentice ratings, I can tell you that. Not even the President can get away with murder.

MSNBC ANCHOR: Interesting. Democratic Member of Congress, thank you for your insights.

DEMOCRATIC MEMBER OF CONGRESS: My pleasure, MSNBC Anchor.

MSNBC: Okay. When we come back, how Republicans are spinning this situation. Stay with us…

FOX ANCHOR: There is outrage on Capital Hill tonight. Big, fat, steaming outrage. You think the outrage I’ve been covering over the past week has been big? That’s nothing! This outrage is the biggest yet! President Donald Trump was arrested this afternoon for shooting some guy on the street as the President was leaving a restaurant. What was the guy doing on the street that made the President want to take his life? Some have suggested that he was part of a “Deep State” operation by rogue elements of the FBI to weaken the President and slow his pro-America agenda.

The facts in the case are not something you can argue with, here, people! After he was let go by the police, the President tweeted: “shot mann in self-defense. He was terorist – feared 4 my life! SAD! Or SICK! – haven’t decided.” Case closed, people! Case closed!

With me in the studio is Angry Right-wing Pundit/Former Republican Politician. How you doing?

ANGRY RIGHT-WING PUNDIT/FORMER REPUBLICAN POLITICIAN: Oh, you know, Fox Anchor. Can’t complain. Can’t –

FOX ANCHOR: Okay, so, tell me: exactly how outraged are you at the charges against the President?

ANGRY RIGHT-WING PUNDIT/FORMER REPUBLICAN POLITICIAN: Honestly, if I didn’t have energy dampers all around my head, it would explode, Fox Anchor. That’s how outraged I am. If a President starts a war that results in killing a million civilians, he’s labelled a hero. If he kills a single person in cold blood, he’s labelled a criminal. It’s all part of the left-wing plan to kill the President’s legislative agenda!

FOX ANCHOR: What do you think about how the police handled this?

ANGRY RIGHT-WING PUNDIT/FORMER REPUBLICAN POLITICIAN: Keeping the President locked up for 37 gruelling minutes of questioning? Outrageous! If a Democrat President shot an average American in cold blood, the cops would have given him a slap on the wrist and sent him back to the White House to destroy the country! And, if anybody dared to suggest that he got off lightly, the Democrats would call them racists! Talk about a double standard!

FOX ANCHOR: How do you think this is gonna affect the President’s approval ratings?

ANGRY RIGHT-WING PUNDIT/FORMER REPUBLICAN POLITICIAN: They’re gonna go through the roof! If the President is willing to do this to a complete stranger, imagine how tough he will be on America’s enemies!

FOX ANCHOR: Angry Right-wing pundit/Former Republican Politician, thanks for sharing your outrage with us.

ANGRY RIGHT-WING PUNDIT/FORMER REPUBLICAN POLITICIAN: My pleasure, Fox Anchor.

FOX ANCHOR: You bet. So, we’re gonna take a break. When we come back, we’re gonna look at how the Democrats are spinning this non-story. If you thought you were outraged before…!