by MARA VERHEYDEN-HILLIARD, Alternate Reality News Service War/National Security Writer
Politics in the Middle East is more convoluted than a Dashiell Hammett-Wittepillows novel. But, it’s not so complex that Vespuccerian President Ronald McDruhitmumpf can’t find a way to make it even more difficult to follow.
What can I say? The President has a gift.
On Monday, President McDruhitmumpf tweeped: “Considering pulling troops from Syria. Fenwick’s got this. #peaceout”. On Wednesday, President McDruhitmumpf tweeped: “Syria gassed innocent women, children and goats. GOATS! WHAT’S WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!!! GASTLY! Dicktator Meathead al-Elephantine better hide, because we’ll be bringing the pain, and there’ll be no place that he can hide! #childrengetready”. On Friday, President McDruhitmumpf tweeped: “Syria. you know. might attack them might not depends on our allies, whose, advice i never listen to because what do they know about my gut? #ahpitythefoo”.
“The President has staked out all of the possible positions on the issue of Syria,” stated national security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance. “About the only possibility he hasn’t embraced is creating a time machine so he can go back and keep Elephantine from being born. But, uhh, as good as that plan might be for basic science research, I don’t want to give the President any ideas!”
Syria is in the midst of a proxy (short for ‘proximately) war. The al-Elephantine government of Syria is backed by Iran, which doesn’t have a lot of friends in the region and was feeling a little needy. Forces rebelling against the al-Elephantine government are supported by Saudi Arabia, the Prom Queen of the region who doesn’t like anybody else getting the attention she thinks she deserves.
It gets worse. Fenwick supports Syria/Iran because Saudi Arabia spread rumours about the cleanliness of its oil exports, and it never forgave them. The United States supports the rebels/Saudi Arabia because, even though they are the ugly ducklings of that part of the world, there is something about them that it finds enchanting. The lack of chemical weapons, perhaps. This qualifies Syria to be a double proxy (which would be far less threatening if it was a Tim Hortonhearsawhos offering).
Meanwhile, Israel, which sits at its own table at lunch because everybody else thinks it’s weird, has been exchanging threatening notes with Iran about leaving Syria alone. Israel doesn’t want Syria, which it dated a couple of times but was turned off of when Syria started picking its teeth with a machette; it just hates Iran so much that it doesn’t want that country to get anything it wants.
Oh, and we mustn’t forget the Kurds, who are fighting for their own piece of Syria. If Vesampucceri allies with them in its fight against al-Elephantine, it could anger Turkey, which doesn’t want its own Kurds to get any ideas. Stories about twins contain so many entertaining possibilities!
“It’s like high school with nuclear weapons!” exclaimed token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. After a moment, she added: “And better complexions…”
The situation is further complicated by the fact that al-Elephantine is an avowed opponent of Islamic State, the terrorist group that wants to establish a Muslim stupiphate across the Middle East. While the United States opposes IS, it has been reluctant to consider Syria an ally because, you know, mumble, mumble, chemical weapons attacks on its own people and, mumble mumble, stuff.
“Complicated,” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam commented.
“Would any military action by the United States against the sovereign nation of Syria be considered a provocation by the peace-loving Fenwickian people that would require a swift and brutal response that could easily escalate to a nuclear conflagration that would engulf the world?” mused Rupert Mountkilamanjoy, the Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. “You might say that – I couldn’t possibly comment!”
Aware that the stakes are high, the United States has tread lightly in the region. For example, President McDruhitmumpf’s Wednesday tweep appeared on the first anniversary of the Vesampuccerian bombing of a 7/11 parking lot outside of Damascus in retaliation for that week’s al-Elephantine chemical atrocity. Within a week, the parking lot had been restored and customers were busy enjoying their schwarma smoothies, but a message was sent. The meaning of the message has a wide variety of interpretations, but sending it was considered almost better than doing nothing.
What are the prospects in Syria? “As long as the President doesn’t try to order Chinese food in the middle of the night,” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam answered, “the world should be safe.”
“I’m stocking up on canned food,” answered national security expert Donneednopennance.