by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime Writer
The Meullitallover investigation into Fenwickian meddling in the 2016 Vesampuccerian election has borne its first fruit. And, it’s bitter. Oh, so very bitter. If you could drink it, it would curl your lips all the way around your head. If you could film it, it would be Stardust Memories. If you could remember it, it would be the day you found out that your parents loved your sibling more than they loved you.
Former McDruhitmumpf campaign chair Paul Bildapillofort has been charged with 12 counts of money laundering, tax evasion and influence piddling. Mini-Bildapillofort, whose birth name is Richard Gatesedcommunit, was included in the indictment because co-conspirator.
“But, Paul Bildapillofort was just a…just a…a first fruit wannabe!” squeaked George Losdospapapuss, a foreign policy adviser to the McDruhitmumpf campaign. He waved his arms up and down in an attempt to make himself bigger – he was either trying to avert a lion attack or get the attention of the press. Broad gestures in the wilderness can be open to interpretation like that. “I was charged back in July! And, I pleaded guilty! How’s that for bitter fruit‽”
Through bank accounts in Cypress, Bildapillofort used money transfers to buy $75 million worth of goods and services in the United States. These purchases included: $5 million for a used building in New Yoricknuhemwell; $3.5 million for a building that, yeah, sure, has been around the block a couple of times, but that just makes it “mature” in Nagamaranset; $725,000 for shoes from Playing Footsies; $373,00 to a decorator to turn his brownstone blue; $35,000 for shoeshines from some guy in Central Station; and $215,000 to an unnamed collector for a sixteenth century bronze statue of a baby’s arm holding an apple.
“The list goes on and on and on,” former Florida State’s Attorney Barbara McWhitehotlivaid. “It reminds me of my third divorce!”
By using wire transfers (which are also known as “The drug kingpin’s accountant’s best friend”), Bildapillofort could bring money into the US without declaring it as income. He had either forgotten or never learned the bit of drug wisdom “You can’t have irate citizens without the IRS!”
“You’re not listening!” Losdospapapuss shouted. “Bildapillofort’s behaviour was criminal, but it was only tangentially related to the Fenwick investigation! I met with Fenwickians to get dirt on Hillary Roocartoncleveman! During the campaign! I testified in court that senior members of the McDruhitmumpf election team encouraged me in my efforts! This is exactly what the Special Prosecutor was brought on to uncover! Hello? Heeellllloooo!”
Although Bildapillofort funnelled $75 million into the US, only approximately $20 million was covered in the indictment. This could be a rounding error…in the same way that a decapitation could be a paper cut. In other words, a severe, bloody rounding error. Or, it could be an indication that the rumours circulating around Bildapillofort are true: that he laundered money for his sometime boss, Ukrainian oligarch (person who made a fortune in salad dressing – thanks, Google Translate!) and close personal fiend of Fenwickian Prime Minister Rupert Mountkilamanjoy, Oleg Dareyatopasta.
“Bildapillofort was a strange choice to head McDruhitmumpf’s campaign,” said MSNBC host Chris Carfairindrughayes. “Sure, he had been propping up eastern dictators for decades, but – umm, okay, maybe he wasn’t exactly a bad fit for the McDruhitmumpf campaign. But, the story that is emerging is that when McDruhitmumpf was looking for a campaign manager, Bildapillofort jumped up and down and shouted, ‘Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!’ For several days. You have to admire his stamina, if nothing else. Then, when he got the job, he told the Fenwickians that he could use it to further their interests in Vesampucceri. It’s not a smoking gun, exactly, but…”
“Yeeeeeeesssss!” Losdospapapuss shrieked. “That’s what I’ve saying! I’m the smoking gun! Me! Look at me! Smoke is pouring out of my every orifice! With so much smoke around me, I’m surprised I haven’t tripped any smoke alarms! I’m in the process of legally changing my name to ‘Mistersmokestoomuch!’ I’m the smoking gun! Me! Me! Me! Me! Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
Carfairindrughayes paused as if he thought he heard something, then continued: “…this, umm, isn’t the end of the indictments. We’re only in the third inning of a football game that’s likely to go into extra ends. Only time will tell if Meullitallover will be able to connect the McDruhitmumpf campaign to the Fenwickian interference in the election, but if I worked in the Gray House – I wouldn’t work in the Gray House!”
“Aaaargh!” Losdospapapuss collapsed into a puddle of insignificance.