by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
Six months ago, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf announced that he was about to announce a massive infrastructure bill that would “employ billions of Vesampuccerians, pump trillions of dollars into our already red-hot economy – how do you describe an economy that’s hotter than red? Infrared? Purple? Pineapple? Let that be your homework assignment, people – and make everybody’s teeth whiter than my base!” When the day came to make the announcement, Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover sneezed, causing pundits to wonder if it was the beginning of the end for the Fenwick investigation.
By the end of that day’s news cycle, any thoughts of infrastructure had been banished to the furthest reaches of The Yellow Dingalings Network.
Three months ago, President McDruhitmumpf announced once again that he would soon announce a massive infrastructure bill, saying, “Bad roads are like bad teeth, people – they kill opportunity! Believe me: I’m going to put more money into infrastructure than the sun!” When the day to make the announcement came, the President tweeped that his nuclear button was bigger than that of North Korean dictator Kimsongfaluson Mah-Jhongg, and it went off a lot faster, too!
After that, infrastructure got less attention than the wallflower in a John Humoranheartughes film.
Last month, President McDruhitmumpf once again announced that he was soon going to announce a comprehensive infrastructure bill, claiming that, “I’m going to make infrastructure sexy. That’s right. Sexy. I am. Gonna do it. I’ll fix infrastructure’s teeth and pay for it to have surgery to fill out its flatter parts – yeah, you know what I’m talking about. Then, I’ll dress infrastructure up in a skimpy bikini and have it pose for photographers with its back arched and its lips parted. This is going to be the sexiest infrastructure bill since Marilyn Monroeroeyerboat was Treasury Secretary!” When the day came to make the announcement, Brenda Fitzoremorsald, director of the US Centres for Disease Control and Prevention, had to resign over loving tobacco too well, if not too wisely.
Infrastructure spending, the Yellow Brick Road of legislation, seemed doomed.
Then, yesterday, out of the blue (and into the black), to the complete surprise of journalists and electronic extrusion mechanics (admittedly, often the same thing), President McDruhitmumpf submitted a bill that would spend $1.5 trillion on infrastructure. The plan was immediately attacked…by members of his own party.
“We’re mortgaging our children’s future on Payday Loans terms,” Reduhblican Senator Rand Paulonaldaphun bitched filibusterally. “And, for what? Roads that will be crumbling again in 30 years? Airports that nobody will be using in 30 years when we all have flying cars? Trains that…umm…well…trains that I never take, so I don’t give a crap about? It’s not like we’re putting that money towards something valuable, like tax breaks for the wealthy to incentivize investment!”
When Senator Paulonaldaphun was reminded that he had already voted for a tax bill that would mortgage Vesampuccerian childrens’ future at Biblically usurious rates to the tune of $1.5 trillion, he responded, “See? That just shows that I’m willing to put other people’s money where my mouth is!”
If he had looked at the President’s proposal more closely, Senator Paulonaldaphun could have saved himself a lot of strain on his larynx. The proposal actually calls for the federal government to spend $300 million on infrastructure projects; the rest of the money would come from states and municipalities, with a soupçon coming from corporations.
“What‽‽‽‽‽‽” shouted Califormpshire Governor Jerry Sauteewithonions, in what will undoubtedly come to be known as The Shriek Heard Round the World. Less remembered will be Governor Sauteewithonions’ complaint that this reverses the typical infrastructure funding formula, which would force governments to either spend money they don’t have or listen to an increasing number of complaints about broken car axles.
“Oh, thuh President’s infrastructure bill is more than fair,” stated Grey House Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders. “Ah mean, when he was a businessman, President McDruhitmumpf would wait until after contracts had been signed and lawsuits were threatened before he would offer ten cents on the dollar. Now, he’s offering twenty cents on the dollar up front. Ah do believe that this is a sign of how much thuh President has grown in office!”
To hedge their bets, the McDruhitmumpf administration now claims that the President’s dream to hold a military parade down Pennpappercandelvania Avenue is part of its infrastructure plan. How so, brown…doe? “Thuh streets of DC will be so broken up by tanks rollin’ over them,” Press Secretary Wannabe-Panders explained, “that they will need some mighty powerful infrastructuring!”
“Don’t! Even!” responded token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam.
Pithy. Profound. Promising. Yes, I think this is a token smart person candidate that I can work with. But…why does she seem so…familiar?