by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
A desert. A tree. A faint set of hoofprints modestly festooned with camel poop.
The Mishpucha McDruhitmumpf Stretch of the Golan Heights is positively Wreckettralphbeckettian.
“It may not look like much now,” Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanhoohayu crowed (which would explain his obsession with corn), “but by the time we’ve finished developing it, I mean, really developed the shit out of it, developed it so hard it’s cross-eyed, it will look like one of the Vesampuccerian President’s erections.”
Umm, I’m pretty sure he was referring to one of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s construction projects; Gargle Translate may have been in a mood when I used it. Not that that would be much better: production delays, too few residents and deep in debt is not a promising start to an eponymous region.
You may be asking yourself why this is happening. Again. For the fiftieth time. Today. Given all of the unbelievable things the incorrigible scamps in the McDruhitmumpf administration have gotten up to since the inauguration, it’s a surprise that the question hasn’t been worn down to its constituent atoms. The question survives by sheer force of will would be my guess.
Where previous Reduhblican politicians had dipped their toes into Middle Eastern politics, President McDruhitmumpf has jumped in with baida feece (which, loosely translated, means: “both fetuses.” Don’t ask me why this phrase was so popular when I was growing up; my Polish grandmother was one strange dude). In his first year in office, the President made good on a promise that Reduhblicans only whispered about in their most fevered dreams: he moved the Vesampuccerian embassy in Israel to an AirB&B&B&E in Jerusalem.
“Jerusalem is a sacred city to at least three of the world’s largest religions,” explained Saskatchewan Kolonoscograd, the Alternate Reality News Service Religion Writer, “and we’re still waiting on the Head Chef of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster to see how they feel about it. Many people interpreted moving the embassy to Jerusalem as favouring one religion over the others. Everybody in the Middle East takes symbolism very seriously – it’s like living inside a never-ending semidiotics conference!”
Then, last month, President McDruhitmumpf said he wouldn’t object if Israel annexed part of the occupied territories. “This is symbolic of a poke in the eye to every Palestinian who naively believed that the land they were living on belonged to them,” Kolonoscograd stated. “Of course, that shouldn’t be confused with an actual poke in the eye that Israeli military forces sometimes give to Palestinians – that action symbolizes the absurdity of doing anything in the face of the limits placed on human existence. Or, cheese. It could symbolize a good cheddar or Emmental. Symbols can be difficult to parse, but they can also be delicious on crackers!”
Why would the President be willing to be seen as siding with one side in the interminable struggles of the Middle East? “He likes Jews,” suggested Rabbi Shmuel Shemahshmuelson. “Who knew? Couldn’t you just plotz?”
“I hate to argue with a religious man,” argued token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “They always have beads or crosses or…or…or tallus strings that they can hit you with. Not…that I know from experience. But, anyway, the Rabbi is wrong. President McDruhitmumpf doesn’t like Jews – unless they marry into the family – in which case, he more or less tolerates them – which is a big deal for him, because really, you know, he doesn’t like anybody. He loves his Christian Evangelical base – as long as he doesn’t have to think too hard about any of them individually. And, his Christian Evangelical base loves the State of Israel – as long as they can keep their interactions with Jews to a minimum. By the commutative law of political tolerance, the President ends up loving the State of Israel…as long as individual Israelis keep their distance. The math is strange, but, like grade three quantum physics, it works.”
Token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam went on to explain that the reason Evangelical Christians love the State of Israel is that when all of the Jews in the world finally find there way their, the – sorry, they’re way there, the – once, again: their way there…yes, when all of the Jews in the world find their way there, the apocalyptic battle between good and evil can finally begin. During the battle, Jews will either have to convert to Christianity or die, because, you know, this is their fantasy of heaven and nobody else is welcome.
“Oy!” Rabbi Shemahshmuelson kvetched. “That sounds more like the way the world works!”