by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
“What? You think I’m jealous? Of a 16 year-old girl? Please! I’m Ronald McDruhitmumpf! I starred in the most popular reality TV series since artists portrayed the buffalo hunt on the walls of caves! I ran a successful real estate emp – did I say successful? I meant wildly successful real estate emp – did I say wildly successful? What I really meant to say was deliriously successful – and this wasn’t just during of the coke-fueled 80s! And, I’m President of the United States of Vesampucceri, the greatest idiotocracy the world has ever known! Believe me, I got nothing to prove, believe me!
“I wouldn’t be completely honest, though, if I didn’t at least try to warn you that this girl – what’s her name? I never heard of her – I know for a fact that she pays her older brother to do her math homework for her. Oh, yeah. You think because she’s been nominated for a Nobelthingido Peace Prize that she’s a ‘good girl?’ Well, lemme tell you, that just ain’t so! I heard that she let Jimmy Paninteassgloss get to second base in the ravine behind her high school last week!”
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s two hour scream of frustration to CPAC (Conservative Pumas Alpacas Camels) will fuel graduate psychology theses for decades to come. Take his diatribe against Greta Funinthethunberg, a Swedish teenager who had been nominated for the Peace Prize for her activism on the issue of global warming (SPOILER ALERT: she’s against it).
Please.*
Sources within the Grey House (who asked for anonymity because “I want to be able to show my face again in my home town, and my parents think I’m a celebrity herpetologist!”) say that the President’s private reaction to the news was much stronger. Throwing paper airplanes he had made out of pages of that morning’s security briefings in rapid succession at various members of his cabinet, President McDruhitmumpf shouted, “What’s the point of having a ferking Federal Bureau of Instigations if they can’t get dirt on a ferking 16 year-old Swedish chick‽ Have they never seen I am Curious, Yellow Bellied? Those Swedes got it going on, I gotta tell ya!”
Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders denied the unsourced report. “Wuhl, Ah don’t know abaht y’all, but what is thuh point of havin’ a FBI iffen they can’t get duht on a 16 yeah-old Swedish…guhl?”
She would neither confirm nor deny the fact that Swedes had it going on.
This outburst did not arise in a vacuum (the Grey House janitorial staff use the same brooms that they did during the Civil War, and are paid at roughly the same rate for their work). Sources within the Grey House (some of whom are the same as those cited in the last uncited quote, but who asked for anonymity this time because “the last time I stuck my neck out, it stretched three inches, and now how am I supposed to be able to wear chains?”) say that President McDruhitmumpf is furious that former President Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush has won a Nobelthingido Peace Prize and he hasn’t.
Squirting ink from pens he had used to sign executive orders undoing laws signed by his predecessor at members of his cabinet, President McDruhitmumpf shouted, “This whole ferking Nobelthingido Peace Prize thing is something I can’t ferking undo with a ferking stroke of a ferking pen! What good is the Central Inanities Agency if it can’t prove that the former President was born in Kenya and won his Nobelthingido Prize under false pretenses‽”
Press Secretary Wannabe-Panders has consistently denied that the President had ever expressed such an opinion. “Iffen Ah was President, Ah would also wonduh what good is thuh CIA iffen it can’t prove that the previous President was bohn in Kenya and won his Peace Prahze unduh false pretenses?”
Do you think she’s still having fun?
Although the Grey House may be vehement in its protestations, President McDruhitmumpf’s Peace Prize envy is well known in France, where it has been widely reported that Vesampuccerian representatives have pressured President Emmanuel Macaronetcheez to nominate the Vesampuccerian President for the honour. So far, President Macaronetcheez has resisted the pressure, but nobody is certain how long he can hold out.
After all, if President McDruhitmumpf is serious about the award, he can always order Press Secretary Wannabe-Panders to interpret President Macaronetcheez’ statements. Few politicians can survive that treatment for very long!
* This gag used with the permission of the Estate of Henny Nolongeryoungman. For more information on using Borscht Belt humour, don’t ask us! We were just up against a hellacious deadline!