1) Which of the following do you most frequently find yourself passing?
a) Jordan
b) grades
c) wind
2) On what planet do 59,000 plus deaths constitute a “success story?”
a) planet Trump (third planet in the star system Alpha Idiotocracitus)
b) planet Overpopulated (fourth planet in the Alpha Idiotocracitus star system)
c) planet Sooooooo Last Month (which, surprisingly, is not the least settled planet in the Federation)
3) What are the three words no grieving family ever wants to hear?
a) plurality, ficus, airhead
b) gerontology, fender, redhead
c) abacus, fraternal, gobsmacked
4) Why did you buy that?
a) it was on sale!
b) it will go perfectly between this and the other!
c) I rather like it. Who are you to judge my purchases, anonymous question asker?
i) noooooo…body, really…
ii) I’m a member of AQAGA, the Anonymous Question Askers Guild of America, so if you have a complaint, take it up with my shop steward, buddy!
iii) hey! I ask the questions, here. Do you know what the world would be like if everybody started asking questions, enquiry-boy? Anarchy! Utter chaos! And, that’s just not happening! Not on my watch!
5) What is a “she-cession?”
a) the plan for one female chief executive of a corporation to replace another (purely theoretical at this point)
b) a recession caused by a steep decline in the sale of high heel shoes
c) what happens when women refuse to have sex with men until they stop going to war (ref: Lysistrata)
6) According to the Globe and Mail, “Loose-tight is a leadership practice to watch.” What kind of a leadership practice is it?
a) executives wearing pants with stretchy waists
b) executives inadvertently letting out corporate secrets, then denying it was them, or that the secrets were even secrets (or, in the most extreme cases, that there is even a corporation to have secrets that may or may not be secrets)
c) executives on a yoyo diet
7) A Toronto plastic surgeon now realizes that he acted against a patient’s best interest in allowing a television crew to film her breast augmentation surgery despite her objections. What was he thinking?
a) “Hippocrates was a hypocrite!”
b) “If I don’t get my ratings up, I’ll never win a Juno!”
c) “It’s not like elective surgery is serious or anything! Now, if I was removing a herniated septum, I could see where the ethical problem would be!”
8) When asked about President Donald Trump’s response to peaceful protests against police brutality, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau stayed silent for 22 seconds before answering. Diplomatically, as one will. What was he thinking in those 22 seconds?
a) “President Trump will hate me if I say what I really think of him. But, I’ll hate myself if I don’t say what I really think of him. But, President Trump will hate me if I say what I really think of him. But I’ll hate myself if – help me, Landru! Landru, help me!
b) “Milk. Diapers. Scissors. Scotch tape. Masking tape. Duct tape. Rationalization of the policy on keeping the border closed. Eggs. Bread. Paper plates. Is that everything? It feels like I forgot something…”
c) “Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…”
9) According to Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, he “damaged America by violating his sacred trust with its people.” To whom was Pompeo referring?
a) former National Security Adviser John Bolton (not because he refused to testify to Congress about his time in the Trump administration because he was worried it would make less people interested in buying his tell-all book, but because he wrote the book at all)
b) President Donald Trump (although, to be fair, Pompeo was drunk and thought he was alone at the fundraiser)
c) Secretary of State Mike Pompeo (who often talks about himself in the third person because…it makes it easier for him to sleep at night, I guess)
10) What is “ally fatigue?”
a) when you’ve been bowling for too long
b) what happened in the distant past when Og told Thag that he was no longer going to defend his friend or his family against the lions that stalked them on the savanna because he “need prioritize me tribe first.” The fossil record suggests that the ensuing battle between the clans was not beneficial to either side
c) what happens when you’ve been binge-watching Cheers, and you have had enough of the show’s second female lead
11) Why did President Trump announce that the United States was going to cut its troop presence in Germany by 25 per cent?
a) German Chancellor Angela Merkel told him she wasn’t planning on attending his tea party, and his hatter’s hat hit the roof
b) Germany has been cracking down on neo-Nazi groups, and he felt bad for his friends
c) President Trump needs an excuse to cut America’s troop presence in Germany by 25 per cent?
i) yes
d) oh. Then, I got nothing
12) What is a “tweent?”
a) a tween texter
b) a text from a tween
c) a spelling error that somehow made it to print
13) Why would Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu choose the middle of a world pandemic to annex as much as a third of the land in the Palestinian West Bank?
a) protesters are easier to ignore when they are chanting through face masks
b) the United Nations is a bit preoccupied at the moment
c) his good buddy Donald, who is having his own problems, may not be around to support the action for much longer, and he figures he should probably air strike while the irony is hot
14) Who should be the first to respond to mental health calls?
a) mental health professionals
b) umm…other mental health professionals
c) really, there is only one possible answer for this question – why pretend otherwise?
15) So, not cops, then?
a) no, not cops
b) seriously, why would you even think such a thing? Cops are trained to use physical force to subdue violent criminals. They are not trained to deal with people who have mental health issues. Do you understand the difference?
c) Jesus, begesus, are you mental‽ And if you are, would you really want to be confronted by a pair of police officers when you were in the middle of a breakdown?
i) well, when you put it that way…
d) yes?
ii) no
16) Okay, then. Can we find a question that is guaranteed to lower the temperature in this artic – ooh! I know! What question would “cats” be part of the answer for?
a) In what movie did 100 stand-up comedians tell different versions of the same joke?
b) What do you call a young man who has had his nether regions removed in order to give his singing voice an inhuman range?
c) What recent movie release has T. S. Eliot spinning in his grave faster than if he was in a health class?
17) Over 80 per cent of coronavirus deaths in Canada have taken place in long term care homes. How does this compare with other countries?
a) not bad (Spain, 66%)
b) actually, quite awful (US, 31%)
c) for the love of Gord, why isn’t anybody doing anything about this‽ (Hungary, 7%)
18) President Donald Trump has started talking about the “silent majority” of Republican supporters. Hmm…that sounds awfully familiar (with the stress on the awful). Where have we heard that before?
a) Richard Nixon called on them just as he was walking towards the helicopter that would take him away from the White House for the last time (tours don’t count)
b) Nero said it as Rome burned
c) Og said it to Thag before the lion devoured them both
19) Michael Korenberg, the chair of the University of British Columbia’s board of governors, is resigning after liking tweets deriding protests against anti-Black racism. For example, he liked a tweet comparing Black Lives Matter and anti-fascists to the “paramilitary wings” of Hitler and Mussolini. He also liked a tweet from Donald Trump, Jr. saying he’s thankful business owners have the right to bear arms so they can protect themselves from “violent looters.” “Some of my interactions with social media have thoughtlessly supported regressive voices that are attempting to discredit broad-based, legal and necessary protest,” Korenberg wrote in his letter of resignation. “As a result, my interactions have been interpreted in a manner that creates questions about who I am and what I believe in.” What is the best way to respond to Korenberg’s resignation letter?
a) “One like may be thoughtless support; a dozen likes is a pattern.”
b) “I think your actions leave no question about who you are and what you believe in, sir.”
c) “You spread those paramilitary wings of yours, little bird, and fly. Fly like the wind!”
20) What up, buttercup?
a) in a while, crocodile! Oh, wait…
b) I am – I am, okay‽ Jesus begesus, it’s not like my alarm wasn’t set to go off…in a couple of hours!
c) the sky (last time I checked – oh, great, now you’ve made me afraid to look!)