Thank you, Remembrance of Things, Inc., for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we read about the latest green bin design that was guaranteed to be raccoon-proof…green bins that raccoons managed to break into within seconds of first being put out onto the road. And, we thought, Man, if you could get those raccoons onto the internet, nobody’s private information would be safe! Forget that. Raccoons could really give Russia a taste of its own election-interfering medicine! That would probably have been that, but then we read about a raccoon that got stuck in a sewer in Massachusetts. Genius! Build green bins with grates on the top! You’ll catch the adorable little bastards, then!
We’ll take our royalty payment for the idea in unmarked tens and twenties.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
The Basket Of Deplorables Zone – Somebody Get Jordan Peele On The Phone!
Indeed. I remember the three page rant the Texas mass murderer posted to Facebook on how horrible it was that nobody stopped him from using marijuana, if only society had not made it so easy for him to get the drug, he wouldn’t have had to kill all of those people.
I may be paraphrasing. Or, completely making it up. Not that that would be a problem for Trump’s followers…
Republican Ohio Representative Candice Keller lives in Middletown, about 30 miles south of Dayton, the other place a gunman killed multiple people early Sunday. But, although her body may reside in Middletown, her soul exists in…the Basket of Deplorables.
Oooh, I just had a Rod Serling moment!
By my count, Keller names at least 17 causes for mass shootings, while the liberals who are the real – I want to say targets, but that would be insensitive – object of her…attack (a term which I use reluctantly given the context) only have one: guns. It would appear that the liberals are outgunn – dammit, English! Why are you so full of violence?
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Imagine The Destruction To The Environment Caused By The Sigh Of Despair From Their Victims!
Early yesterday morning, convicted billionaire pedophile Jeffrey Epstein was found dead in his jail cell, where he was awaiting new charges of prostitution and sex trafficking that could have put him behind bars for the rest of the 66 year-old’s life. Officials called his death a suicide, despite Epstein being on suicide watch, unless he wasn’t on suicide watch at the time, in which case…that, then.
This came a day after thousands of pages of testimony were released implicating rich and powerful men such as Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Clinton, Alan Dershowitz and others in child sex trafficking. That hot wind you felt at 3:27 in the morning? That was a sigh of relief from the world’s wealthiest and most powerful men.
The sigh was so strong, it is believed to have added half a degree to global temperature, causing seven tons of ice to calve off the Arctic shelf.
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2019Aug11.html]
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“Is Not Our Fault,” Said Russian Spokesperson Natasha, “Is Fault Of Stupid Moose And Sqvuirrel!”
A mystery explosion at a Russian weapons testing range involved radioactive materials, authorities admitted Saturday.
Lloyd Bridges stuck his head in the door of the room and said, “Looked like I picked a bad time to walk away from a test ban treaty.”
SOURCE: Demi-TASS
[http://en.demi-tass.com/russia/744299]
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Make America Goofy Again
Mixed emotions: wanting to beat up a boy wearing a hat during the national anthem for his disrespect for the symbols of the country, then realizing that it’s a MAGA cap.
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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Reading Between, Above And Beyond The Lines
“Our focus has always been on being a responsible seller of firearms.1 We go beyond federal law,2 requiring all customers to pass a background check before purchasing any firearm.”3
– Randy Hargrove, spokesperson for Walmart, which announced that it would continue selling guns despite recent mass shootings, including one at one of the chain’s stores
NOTES
1. Our lawyers made us say this. We mean, have you seen how much money we make selling guns to Americans? You wouldn’t believe it if we sued our banks to ensure that you never found out! But…how’s this? You know that mountain of money the Joker sets on fire in The Dark Knight? You’re not thinking big enough! Not nearly big enough! Ooooh, we’re getting turned on just thinking about it. Uhh…excuse us. We…have to take a meeting. Yeah, take a meeting. Alone. In our office.
2. Which, given our pals in Congress – Moscow Mitch, hee hee hee – sorry, but it’s kind of funny – where were we? Oh, yeah: which, given our pals in Congress, are limper than spaghetti left in a pot of boiling water for a week and a half, so this may not mean much. But, it sounds fantastic on video. Did you get our good side?
3. Since violent criminal records, histories of psychiatric illness, and terrorist affiliations no longer rule out gun sales in many parts of the country, it’s hard to know what a background check could find that would disqualify somebody from buying a firearm. Isn’t America just the greatest? This side. Did you get us on this side? Really, it’s our good side…
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummies/home.asp?did=601&dir=bb]
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It. You Know. IT! The It That Happens To Everybody? Yeeessss, That It!
US President Donald Trump said Saturday that North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong Un, had offered an apology for launching short-range missiles recently.
“He said in the letter, which was a very lovely letter, three pages, flowery prose style, very Victorian, that letter, with illustrations and everything, he told me that he butt-launched,” President Trump explained. “You know how it is: you put the big red launch button in your pocket to take it with you to some party, you get drunk, and you sit on it because you’ve forgotten that it’s in your pocket. It happens to everybody. It’s happened to me. Many times. It’s happened to you. And you. And y – okay, maybe not you. You look like you’ve never had a good time in your life. Ask the person sitting next to you. So, okay, it happens to almost everybody.”
By the time he had finished talking, none of the journalists around the President could remember what he was referring to.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2019Aug08.html]
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