We live in an informationally rich society. Decades from now, those who shaped the 1980s, the famous politicians, artists, thinkers and plastic surgeons, will still be known because of the sheer volume of information presently available about the, But, what of the common man and woman? How will history remember them?
Through statistics, of course.
We are proud to offer you, then, this opportunity for immortality. Simply fill out the following survey, answering the questions as best you can, and put it in a safe place for 50 years. When it is found, you will have communicated directly with the future! Whatever you do, DON’T RETURN IT TO US! We’ll just throw it away unread, forever ruining your chance at being remembered by posterity.
1) Across: bi-valved mollusk.
a) how many letters?
b) clam
c) snail
d) John Delorean
2) Farmer Bob has 12 apples. Farmer Bob owes Congressman Ted eight oranges because Congressman Ted was instrumental in passing a bill that allowed Farmer Bob to get paid by the government for not growing peaches. Congressmen Ted owes “Businessman” Chuck 100 plums for “Businessman” Chuck’s financial support in the last election. What does all this mean for Average Joe?
a) higher taxes
b) the barter system isn’t ready for a comeback
c) don’t mix apples and oranges, especially in an election year
d) don’t mix business, politics and organized crime
e) three and a half nectarines
3) Where did you get your copy of this publication?
a) Tampa, Florida
b) my dentist’s office
c) it was hand-delivered by a group of 17 prominent hair stylists; it is an expensive process, but well worth it if getting the news while it is still news is important to you, as it is to me
d) why, I just looked under my copy of Wrestler’s Monthly and there it was!
e) other
4) Why is everybody in such a hurry these days?
a) somebody spiked everybody’s morning coffee
b) I don’t know – do you think we could be missing something?
c) sorry, can’t stop to answer this question – I’m late!
5) What’s the score?
a) more drugs than we’re ever likely to see in our lifetime!
b) well, it’s like this: Rhonda is in love with Fred, but, although nobody knows it, he’s really in love with Cheryl. Cheryl might be in love with Lester, or she may just be stringing him along, trying to make John jealous. John, who is secretly bisexual, is in love with Rhonda, but wouldn’t mind spending the night with Lester. Meanwhile, Angela – what? Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were asking about the ball game…
c) well, it’s like this: Mr. Smith is up for a promotion. Heather Wilcox has recommended him. Mr. Blue is against it, although nobody can figure out why. Julie Knox is hoping that Mr. Smith doesn’t get the promotion, figuring she’ll be next in line and not realizing that nobody in the upper echelons of the company wants a woman there. Meanwhile, Angela – what? Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were asking about the soap opera…
d) Angela, who really wanted to be made fun of in this survey, is about to strike out…
6) What is the chief export of California?
a) mantras
b) multi-coloured shirts
c) this is cheap, you know, a really cheap way to get a laugh. I’m surprised, and more than a little disappointed. Besides, it’s movies. Surely, everybody knows that!
d) other
7) Listen (ooh wah oooh), do you want to know a secret?
a) yes
b) no
c) only if it’s about somebody I know
d) only if it appears in USA Today first
e) yes, but only if you make me promise not to tell
8) We’re just interested in the facts, ma’am. Just the facts. Where were you on the night of January 8, 1982, between the hours of six in the evening and two in the morning?
a) Tampa, Florida
b) out in left field
c) in bed with my husband…no, watching television…no, reading a book, I mean, walking along the shoreline collecting my thoughts – damn! Your superior questioning ability has trapped me once again!
d) NOWHERE NEAR DALLAS! I SWEAR!
9) Who knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men?
a) the person who put it there
b) the artichoke knows
c) the social psychologist knows
d) William Golding
e) the crash helmet knows, but he’s not telling!
10) John likes pomegranates. John does not like cashews. Alice has prepared a standing rib roast for dinner. Which of the following statements is true?
a) John is a fussy eater
b) Alice is about to have a nervous breakdown
c) pea green is a good colour for a child’s room
d) all of the above
e) none of the above
f) well, you know, maybe some of the above
11) How do you do it?
a) practice
b) god, I’m good!
c) I do it when nobody is watching
d) it’s all in the wrist action
e) other
12) How do you like your liver?
a) rare
b) smothered in ketchup
c) hidden by a steak
13) Where does a body have to go to get some action around here?
a) Tampa, Florida
b) the federal Ministry of Getting Some Action Around Here
c) directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200
d) somewhere else
14) Which of the following statements best describes you?
a) “I like ice cream, puppy dogs and throwing bricks through the windows of local stores because there is no future.”
b) “I laugh too much, but nobody ever complains because I have more money than I will ever be able to spend.”
c) “I think that I would make a good Prime Minister, even though I still don’t know what a vertical mosaic is.”
d) “I haven’t cried this much since Old Yeller died.”
e) “I haven’t thought about the Miranda decision for…well, heck, I guess I’ve never thought much about the Miranda decision. What the heck is the Miranda decision, anyway?
15) Was your answer to question 14 true? I mean, really?
a) yes
b) no, I lied to make myself seem more interesting
c) you’ll never know, ha ha ha ha ha
16) It was very wet out today. How wet was it?
a) it was so wet, Jacques Cousteau started taping a special on the sidewalk in front of the building
b) it was so wet, you could drink the air through a straw
c) it was so wet, you could get your car washed just by throwing some soap on it and driving down the street
17) What can we learn from the closing of the Northlands Bank?
a) never trust a smiling bank manager
b) don’t save your money, invest it in something sound (like a Jacuzzi, or shares in Turner Broadcasting)
c) always wear your mittens outside in cold weather
18) Do you know where you’re going to?
a) Tampa, Florida
b) hell in a handbasket
c) don’t you think this joke is getting old?
19) Hey, do you think this has been easy for me?
a) I’m sorry. It was an insensitive thing to say
b) sure it has. You can write whatever you want, but we have to answer with the dumb things you’ve written
c) I don’t know. Do you think I’m getting too cynical?
20) Where will it all end?
a) don’t you dare say it!
b) how about Topeka, Kansas?
c) aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
