As a public service, this newspaper has agreed to run the following reader survey. We have no interest, however, in the results of the survey (since we would have to actually pay people to read the surveys if they were submitted to us), so please, whatever you do, DON’T FILL OUT THE FOLLOWING SURVEY AND RETURN IT TO OUR OFFICES. We will take no responsibility for surveys sent through the mail, phoned in or delivered by carrier orangutan.
1) What time is it in Owobigon, Nova Scotia?
a) 3:47
b) I’m not sure; were we supposed to turn out clocks back or ahead last night?
c) I don’t know, but it’s a half hour later in Newfoundland
2) Where does the individual belong in society?
a) over there
b) in the privacy of his own home
c) in the privacy of his own hotel room in Niagara Falls
d) in statistics, where Statistics Canada put them
e) other
3) What is the best thing about David Lee Roth?
a) his hair
b) his ability to mangle other people’s songs
c) his ability to attract 14 year-olds
d) all of the above
e) who is David Lee Roth?
4) What is the Strategic Defense Initiative?
a) the popular name for the American Star Wars programme
b) an unlikely source of jobs for Canadians
c) a poor excuse for the Pentagon to throw a party
d) other
5) Who killed Cock Robin?
a) Bernhard Goetz
b) there are no suspects in the slaying, which is still under investigation by the OPP
c) we know, but we don’t want to reveal the surprise ending
d) ha! Fooled you – it was really suicide! He shot himself with that arrow!
6) Will Jane ever find happiness in the big city?
a) no, but she’ll find incredible amounts of angora sweaters, so who needs happiness?
b) no, but she wasn’t going to find it in her small town, either. In case you hadn’t noticed, Jane is a pretty miserable young woman
c) yes, if she stops looking for the perfect hunk
d) yes, if the Moonies in the airport don’t get her first
7) Are you paying attention?
a) I’m sorry – what was the question?
8) Are you paying attention?
a) of course. My mind just momentarily wandered back to the seventh game of the 1938 World Series
b) umm, I’m not sure. Were you just talking about the importance of cabbage crates to world trade?
c) no, I was enjoying a fantasy about pink champagne and lean brown steaks. Do you mind…?
9) What is the capital of Ontario?
a) more money than I’ll ever make in my lifetime
b) yes
c) somewhere up north, like Temiscaming or Thunder Bay or like that…
d) other
10) So, enjoying yourself so far?
a) yes
b) no
c) get your finger out of my drink, jerk!
d) I was until this question came along
11) What does philosophical relativism mean?
a) never having to say you’re wrong
b) you shouldn’t argue with your wife over who had the larger phone bill
c) what the heck kind of question is that for a family paper?
12) Where do old auto mechanics go to die?
a) the engine graveyard
b) that Big Garage in the Sky
c) Cleveland
13) Why not?
a) it’s illegal
b) it’s immoral
c) because I don’t wanna, that’s why
d) because I wouldn’t be able to leave the building in case of fire
14) If x + y = 27 and y – z = 3, then…
a) several math teachers are out of work
b) the universe does not exist
c) life is too short to worry about such trivialities
15) Is this your idea of a joke?
a) you’re the writer, why are you asking me?
b) is this so obscure that you can’t tell?
c) I don’t know…wait a minute: is this your idea of a joke?
16) If I fell in love with you, would you promise to be true and help me understand?
a) I…I don’t know you. I’ll need time to think it over
b) yes, but only because you’re quite when you look like Paul
c) no, you ask weird questions
d) other
17) What does NATO stand for?
a) North Atlantic Treaty Organization
b) New American Take Over
c) No, Alfred, Take Off
d) Not Actually Totally Open
e) whatever the member countries can get away with
18) Are we just kidding ourselves?
a) well, you certainly aren’t fooling anybody
b) yes, and I think the neighbours are beginning to suspect
c) oh, you mad, impetuous fool, what does it matter? What does anything matter? We’ll always have that summer evening in Paris overlooking the Seine, the moonlight glinting off your braces. Remember how we used to laugh and throw our empty wine glasses at each other? Oh, cherie, what has happened to us? What went wrong? What was the question?
19) What makes life worth living?
a) Entertainment Tonight
b) Sandy Horne of The Spoons
c) the pastrami at Yutze’s Deli
d) other
20) What was the purpose of this survey?
a) to fill space
b) to gently amuse the reader
c) to feed the writer’s ego
d) you got me
