The following survey has nothing to do with anything important around the world, but, after filling out dozens of other surveys, questionnaires forms and assorted whatnot, we here at Les Pages aux Folles thought you might enjoy one more.
Once you’ve filled this out, tear along the dotted line, take the survey firmly in both hands and tear it into wee little pieces. For goodness’ sake, don’t give it to us! Not only do we not want it, but we wouldn’t know what to do if, say, 4,000 of you filled out surveys and brought them to our office.
1) Why do no two clocks in a given building show the same time?
a) temporal warps
b) too many cheap drugs
c) not enough cheap drugs
2) Who put the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop?
a) Elvis Presley
b) Elvis Costello
c) Elvis Mulroney
d) Jack
3) How would you like to see Michael Jackson die?
a) of embarrassment
b) by being smothered by Boy George
c) by choking on his glove
4) Who is your favourite Marx brother?
a) Groucho
b) Chico
c) Harpo
d) Zeppo
e) Gummo
f) Chicken Gummo
g) Graf Zeppelino
h) Harposichordo
i) Karl
5) If you saw the word “fuck” in a newspaper, would you:
a) be scarred for life?
b) run to your parents to show them the word and find out how they felt about it?
c) have more respect for the newspaper?
6) Where is the Toronto zoo?
a) Montreal
b) the Lebanon
c) The Dark Side of the Moon
7) How many people got a rash while voting in the last Canadian election?
8) How many people got a rash during the last Blue Jays game?
9) What is your concept of hell?
a) another Prince album
b) a world without designer camera bags
c) I can’t describe it, but I see it every time I close my eyes…
10) Why are there no “other” answers in this survey?
a) other
b) other
c) other
11) Which leader did you vote for in the recent election?
a) Brian “Patronage” Mulroney
b) John “Rearender” Turner
c) Edward “Fading Fast” Broadbent
d) Bullwinkle “The Moose”
12) How do you feel about pre-marital television watching?
a) in favour
b) opposed
c) violently opposed – how dare you suggest such a filthy thing! Oh, my children will never be allowed…
d) no opinion
13) Was the Springsteen concert worth the money?
a) yes
b) well, maybe not…
c) no
d) is Springsteen some kind of watering system or something?
14) Is existentialism a viable belief system?
15) We asked: is existentialism a viable belief system?
16) Why did you really go to college?
a) the bars were closed
b) my rock band couldn’t get a label
c) don’t know
17) Who’ll stop the rain?
a) Ford
b) International Business Machines
c) the federal government (by Act of Parliament, if necessary)
d) other
18) What would you do if you won a million dollars in a lottery?
a) die
b) invest in kumquat futures as a hedge against inflation in order to be secure in my old age
c) just die
d) spend it all on cheap wine, fast cars and easy members of the opposite sex, enjoy life for a couple of weeks and eventually return to my dull life because I’ve blown all my winnings
19) Do you believe in peanut butter?
a) yes
b) no
c) ah gahd someding stugg ta da roof of mah moudd
d) none of your business
20) If not, why not?
a) I’m too old to clap my hands with dignity
b) the existence of peanut butter precludes human free will.
c) is this a two part question?
d) there is no adequate, properly documented proof of the existence of peanut butter
e) still none of your business
