So, You Wanted The Trump Administration’s Plan For Combating COVID To Be…A Cookbook?
“I just wanted it to be The Twilight Zone and all go away.”
– former White House coordinator Deborah Birx on the press conference moment when former President Donald Trump suggested that people inject bleach to fight the COVID-19 virus
Well, YOUR Government, Perhaps…
“The government is the worst place to give your money.”
– Ontario Premier Doug Ford
You Should Have More Faith In Your Members’ Love Of Shiny Objects
“We can’t be distracted by licence sticker refunds when workers need real support and meaningful change.”
– new OPSEU President J. P. Hornick
A Verdict Rendered While High On Crack Is Still A Valid Verdict?
“A drunken consent is still a valid consent.”
– Superior Court Justice Deena Baltman ruled in clearing a Peel police officer of sexual assault
There Is No Chris Sky. Chris Sky Is A Delusion. A Sad, Dangerous Delusion.
“There is no science. Science is an illusion.”
– Chris Sky addressing a biker protest about increasing respect for veterans
Awful But Not Surprising Seems To Be The Best Way To Sum Up The New Millennium
“First, it’s awful, and second, it’s not surprising.”
– UofT housing expert David Hulchanski on the nine per cent housing rate among former encampment occupants
Listening To You Harass And Insult Us?
Free Speech In No Way Requires Free Hearing
“I hope that even my worst critics remain on Twitter, because that is what free speech means.”
– Elon Musk
And Crack Addicts (Even If They Are Judges) Will Happily Stay On Aspirin Because Elon Musk Claims To Believe In Free Speech
“I hope Elon buys Twitter because he’ll make improvements to it and he is a good man, but I am going to be staying on Truth.”
– Trump says he will stay on Truth Social even if Musk allows him back on Twitter
Do You Hate Losing Primaries? Are You Willing To Abase Yourself By Pandering To Racists To Avoid It?
Well, You’re In Luck! You Could Be J. D. Vance And Not Even Know It!
“Are you racist? Do you hate Mexicans? The media calls us racist for wanting to build Trump’s wall… Whatever they call us, we will put American first.”
– Republican Senate hopeful J. D. Vance
Because Nobody Has To Take Their Mask Off To Eat A Lawn Chair Or Drink Motor Oil
“You can walk into a Canadian Tire, or a Walmart, or a Costco and nobody will ask you a damn question about your medical history. Why is it all on us?”
– Jenna Graham, owner of the Harbour Diner in Hamilton, on checking patrons’ vaccination status
Of Course, Once He Had Slept On It, He Came To The Opposite Conclusion
“This one you go to the mattresses on. They will try to fuck his entire legacy on this if it gets worse.”
– Donald Trump, Jr. warning Mark Meadows that the insurrectionists threatened his father’s legacy
And You Know When A Judge Tells You To Nevermind, It’s Definitive!
“Elden has spent three decades profiting from his celebrity as the self-anointed ‘Nirvana Baby.’ He has reenacted the photograph in exchange for a fee many times… He has appeared on a talk show wearing a self-parodying, nude-coloured onesie. He has used the connection to try to pick up women.”
– American Judge Fernando M. Olguin dismissing a lawsuit filed by Spender Elden, who appeared naked on the cover of the album Nevermind, against surviving members of Nirvana
If This Advice Were Any More Confusing, It Could Be Mistaken For A Trump Speech!
“Let me be very clear to the school boards: they’re not medical experts. The chief medical officer is the expert. But our expectations to the school boards, to the exception of the parents that want their kids to put masks on: follow the direction of the chief medical officer. Plain and simple.”
– Ontario Premier Doug Ford
What Did Penny Ever Do To Marjorie Taylor Green?
Laverne And Shirley May Not Have Been Great TV, But It Had Its Entertaining Moments…
“In our private chat with only Members, several are saying the only way to save our Republic is for Trump to call for Marshall law. I don’t know on those things. I just wanted you to tell him. They stole this election. We all know. They will destroy our country next. Please tell him to declassify as much as possible so we can go after Biden and anyone else!”
– Marjorie Taylor Greene in a message to Kevin McCarthy
Members Of The Black Community, Or Homeless People Living In Tents In Parks, Might Disagree With The Idea That Police Are Linked To Safety
“I will not compromise the safety of this city, and the steady implementation of reforms, and the way we do policing and the investments that are necessary to bring that about…especially in order to appease people who…have very few facts and figures to back that up.”
– Toronto Mayor John Tory voices support for increasing the city’s police budget
Unless He Shared The Coat Rack With The Other Members Of The Mob, I Can’t Believe That He Was Sincere
“I can’t believe the things that I did. Mob mentality and group think is very real and very dangerous.”
– Capitol Hill rioter Dustin Byron Thompson, who stole a coat rack and bottle of bourbon
The Ones That Use The Highest Calibre BBs
“They brought out the big guns”
– CIBC economist Avery Shenfeld on the Bank of Canada’s interest rates hike to battle inflation
Which Jewish People Did You Hear That From, Exactly?
Because, You Know, Jews In Russian Gulags May Not Be The Best Sources Of Unbiased Information…
“So, when they say, ‘How can Nazification exist if we’re Jewish?’, in my opinion, Hitler also had Jewish origins, so it doesn’t mean absolutely anything. For some time we have heard from the Jewish people that the biggest antisemites were Jewish.”
– Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov defending Russia’s invasion of Ukraine on the grounds that it had become Nazified