“Hello, this is Rex Veneer on special assignment for Entertainment Right Now,” the interviewer says, smiling broadly for the camera. “Today, I’m going to interview the latest punk rock teen idol musical sensation, Johnny Gross, who is touring with the band Led Waterbuffalo to promote the group’s first album, War a Go Go. Hello, Johnny.”
“Yeah,” Johnny, disinterested, says.
“How did Led Waterfbuffalo start?” Rex Veneer asks.
“Well,” Johnny replies, “Me and Johnny Ugly were mates. We grew up together. When we got kicked out of school together, we needed a way to make money, so we decided to form a band.”
“Your first single, “Break Your Head,” has gone gold in the United States,” Rex Veneer says. “What are your feelings about this?”
“Just great,” Gross responds, adding: “I like groupies. I especially like American groupies.”
“Your second single, “Rock of Aged,” was critically acclaimed, but sales weren’t quite what you expected. How do you account for this?”
Gross shifts uncomfortably in his chair. “Dunno,” he finally answers.
“Are rumours of tensions in the band true?”
“Naaw. Who told you that?”
“Bass guitarist Johnny Nobody.”
“Oh.” Gross pauses for a moment, then says: “Well, we did get into a bit of a punch up. We were having what you call artistic differences. But, as soon as Johnny got out of hospital, we forgave each other, and we’ve been working better than ever together.”
“I see,” Rex politely responds. “Your third single from your first album, “Hideous,” hasn’t been getting much airplay. Why do you think that is?”
“Disc jockies are jerks,” Gross announces shortly.
“Do you feel, as some of your critics have suggested, that your music is obscene?”
Gross pits. “No,” he says.
“How do you respond to criticism of the band’s second album, Songs from the Big Gross-out?”
“The critics were never on our side.”
“Why do you think only 14 copies have been sold in the United Kingdom?”
“Bad press!”
“Would you care to comment on the tragic death of Led Waterbuffalo’s drummer, Johnny Johnny, who died after a fatal ingestion of cocaine and Gummi bears?”
“No!”
“Will a single from the second album be released?”
“No.”
“Some time has passed since the death of Led Waterbuffalo’s drummer, Johnny Johnny. Do you have anything to say about him?”
“Yeah. Sure. He was a great drummer and a great human being, and I’m sure that 15 year-old was lying. I know I speak for the entire musical establishment when I say that we’ll all miss him.”
“Will there be a third Led Waterbuffalo album?”
“Yes. We owe it to our fans and…Johnny.”
“Why has production on the third Led Waterbuffalo album stopped?”
“The remaining band members just couldn’t go on. We felt that we owed more to our fans…and, to Johnny.”
“Are you aware that Led Waterbuffalo’s lead guitarist, Johnny Ugly, is suing your management company for $17 million, claiming that he stole that from the band?”
“Yeah. Jerk. I never liked Johnny much.”
“Are you planning a solo album?”
“No.”
“Critics have called your first solo album a triumph, saying that your music is fresh. You seem to have been rejuvenated by the new direction your career has taken. Does this satisfy you?”
“The critics have always been kind to me.”
“Do you prefer a solo career?”
“Yes, actually. It has given me the freedom to explore new things, to go off in new directions that I wouldn’t have been able to go if I was still in the group. I mean, with a group, you always have to compromise with the other people you’re playing with. Now, I can do what I want.”
“Critics have called your second solo album, Punk Opera, a dismal failure, a pompous effort at meaning from an expended artistic force. How do you feel about this?”
“Wankers. It’s character assassination, pure and simple. But, then again, the press has always been good at that.”
“Does the just released Best of the Waterbuffalos, which includes several tracks from the aborted third album, signal the end of your recording career?”
“Definitely not!”
“Are you enjoying retirement?”
“Yeah. It’s nice….quiet-like, you know?”
“Do you have any advice for kids who are trying to make it in today’s music business?”
“Yeah. Enjoy the limelight while you’re in it, because fame passes away really quickly. Before you know it, you’ve become a nobody again…”
“Do you have any last words for your fans?”
“Umm, no. Not really. Some of the best minutes of my life were spent playing music, and a person can’t ask for much more than that. I hope I’ll be remembered…”
Rex Veneer turns to face the camera. “What happens to rock stars after the applause has died? Johnny Gross, former lead singer of the Led Waterbuffalo punk rock band, has become a recluse, refusing to give interviews. There are some who question whether he is even still alive…
“When we come back, I’ll have an interview with rock’s latest sensation, Rapping Ronnie…”