As a public service, Les Pages auc Folles, in conjunction with the American Project for the Projection of America (APPA), has embarked upon what, from the outside, might look like an ambitious project (but we know from experience is as easy as shooting fish in a cracker barrel) to document various subspecies of douchenozzle in order to help amateur extremist watchers identify them. Today, we start with a common subspecies found in the wild: the armchair douchenozzle.
As it has bred and mutated, the common American douchenozzle (Douchenozzlus americanus) has developed a variety of colourful subspecies. The one that the public is most familiar with is the American activist douchenozzle (Douchenozzlus bellatrix americanus), with its distinctive J Crew plumage and cry of “Jews will not replace us! Whooooot! Woooot!” However, other, lesser known subspecies may actually do more damage to the country’s political environment. One of these is the American armchair douchenozzle (Douchenozzlus brachium sella americanus).
DESCRIPTION: Like all of its species, when in public Douchenozzlus brachium sella americanus arrays itself in the plumage of patriotism, with lots of stars, stripes and white Christian nationalism. (Not being very bright, they never understand how their anti-democratic, anti-immigrant behaviour fouls their own nest.) This is often augmented by displays of Confederate symbols, racists symbols and cars with really big, fuel-inefficient engines.
In private, the subspecies displays the colours of comfortable pjs.
HABITAT: Douchenozzlus brachium sella americanus is an invasive species which can often be found on the Farcebook walls and twitherd feeds of progressive groups, left-identified individuals and anybody who expresses a half-way humane opinion online, Once it has latched on to a social media feed, over time the American armchair douchenozzle will suck it dry of energy, leaving it a lifeless husk. At this point, the douchenozzle will look for another host.
The American armchair douchenozzle sometimes nests on its own social media page. Knowing that this makes it a target of attacks from its rivals in the political ecosystem such as the American armchair progressive (Ductus brachium sella americanus), it jealously guards its fiends list, only allowing connection to other members of its species.
CALLS: The American armchair douchenozzle is known for its unique cry of, “I’m just asking questions. Caw! Caw caw! Just asking questions!” This is a form of protective coloration: it allows the extremist to make outlandish claims while insulating it from any criticism challenging the claims that would endanger its reputation online.
The American armchair douchenozzle often speaks in a high, harsh whine similar to that of the American sexist douchenozzle (Douchenozzlus mulier inimicum americanus). The casual extremist watcher can easily mistake their calls, but the American armchair douchenozzle’s speech usually ends in the uptick of a question, something absent from the speech of its sister subspecies, which never wants to project the possibility that it has doubts about anything it says.
MATING RITUALS: The male of the subspecies prowls dating sites and online extremist habitats for potential like-minded mates. When it sees a potential match, it puffs itself up (“My tweets helped fuel Arizona’s election audit that proved that Donald Trump won the 2020 election!’) and tries to engage the potential mate in a discussion of how mandatory vaccination against COVID is really a government plot to install microchips in the bloodstream of every American so that it can monitor…their glucose levels or something.
Honestly, it’s very difficult to understand how the species propagates itself.
CONCLUSION: If you should encounter Douchenozzlus brachium sella americanus in the wild, do not try and engage with it. Although it is a small creature, it can puff itself up to a size sufficient to intimidate an elephant; and, although its threats of violence are usually hollow, the occasional violence of related subspecies Douchenozzlus bellatrix americanus is enough to scare the pants off a casual extremist watcher.
Assuming the casual extremist watcher is wearing pants. You never can tell online.
Douchenozzlus brachium sella americanus is often confused with Douchenozzlus brachium sella russus, the Russian armchair douchenozzle. This makes sense, given that the Russian counterpart is a mimic who squats on the social media pages of other species and imitates their calls. The difference between the two is subtle, but apparent to experienced extremists eyers: while the calls of the American armchair douchenozzle are invariably riddled with spelling errors (ie; “You are an idoit!”), the calls of the Russian armchair douchenozzle are usually riddled with grammatical errors (ie: “You is an idiot!).
Know your douchenozzle.