by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
A coup attempt doesn’t happen in isolation. Anybody with a television, the Internet or even gossipy friends will will find out about it eventually. And, although media are not spread evenly throughout the world (well, okay, with the exception of gossipy friends), they do travel far outside Vesampucceri’s borders. Which means that pretty much everybody in the world knows when a coup attempt here happens.
As we all know, opinions are like…gossipy friends – everybody has one. This is a smattering (more than a timeshare, less than a mashed potato) of some of the opinions of world leaders on the recent Vesampuccerian insurrection:
“Oh, dear.”
– Jacinda Ardernvictory, Prime Minister of New Zealand.
“That’s disappointing. I always looked up to President Ronald McDruhitmumpf as the brother I didn’t have to have put to death. The fact that he cannot even manage a simple insurrection suggests that my – affection might be too strong a word – mild interest in him may have been misplaced.”
– North Korean strongboy Kimsongfaluson Mah-Jhongg
“With all due respect to our neighbours to the south who have done things in the history of the world that others thought impossible, impractical or fattening, our largest trading partner with whom we share the world’s largest undefended border…until recently…from whom I have learned a lot and many of whom I consider to be dear, close friends, what the ferk‽”
– Canadian Prime Minister Justin Tymeerutiendoh
“Call that a coup? In my country, we call that kindergarten!”
– Syrian dictator-for-life (which may be short, but he is damn well going to make it sweet!) Bashar al-Elephantine roared
“As the due date for Brexit loomed without a deal with the European Union, I was afraid that Britain would be the laughingstock of the world. It heartens me, therefore, to be able to say that the recent coup attempt has taken contemptuous attention away from this sceptered Isle and made the United States of Vesampucceri the laughingstock of the world. This is what a friend and ally does. I would like to thank the Yanks for being such wonderful mates!”
– British Prime Minister Boris Pullyerownjohnson
“I learned everything I need to know about plotting a coup from President Ronald McDruhitmumpf!”
– Fardeep Urmongolian, recently installed dictator of Uzbeckiwackawackastan.
“There weren’t enough beheadings. The takeover of the government would have gone a lot smoother in the United States if there had been more beheadings. I advised the President that there should be mass beheadings, but he told me that they do things differently in Vesampucceri. Hunh. They do things differently in Vesampucceri. Perhaps next time he will listen to me. Beheadings are universal…”
– Saudi Clown Prince Mohammed trashbin Salman Saud
“Far be it from me to comment about the internal working of another nation.”
– Rupert Mountkilamanjoy, Prime Minister of the Duchy of Grand Fenwick. When it was pointed out to him that Fenwick, a decades-old enemy of Vesampucceri, could only stand to gain from the divisions in that country, the smirk threatened to run riot all over his face when he replied, “You might think that. I couldn’t possibly comment.”
“I have a lot of sympathy for President McDruhitmumpf. Your first coup attempt never goes smoothly. I remember the first time I strode manfully into the legislature building, so full of myself. I slipped on the blood on the floor and fell on my ass! I can laugh about it now, many years later. None of the Generals I had executed can, of course, nor should they. Or, the journalists. Or, the ordinary citizens. In fact, now that I think about it, I don’t feel much like laughing about it, now, either. My point is: stick with it, Ronald. You’ll get the hang of grasping power through a coup eventually!”
– Turkish President Recep Tayyip Butlers-Erehwon
“I learned everything I need to know about plotting a coup from Prime Minister Rupert Mountkilamanjoy!”
– Aga Chackarachabach, newly installed dictator of Uzbeckiwackawackastan, who added: “Fardeep should really have gotten his lessons from a better teacher!”
“Would you like us to send some peacekeepers? We have a few lying around – do you need some peacekeepers to help you with the smooth transition of power? No, I’m not kidding – you don’t get to be the Secretary-General of the United Nations by having a sense of humour. Was I joking when I asked if you wanted us to send poll watchers to make sure that your election was run fairly? No, I wasn’t joking when I asked you if you wanted us to send poll watchers to make sure that your election was run fairly! Some people just cannot accept help from others!”
– United Nation Secretary-General Antonio Gutcheckfererros
“But, seriously, oh, dearie, dearie dear.”
– Jacinda Ardernvictory, still Prime Minister of New Zealand