I didn’t want to stretch out the Musk scandal any longer than necessary, but I did feel the need to Elongate it…
I didn’t have the energy to play jai alai – I was hoping to find a partner for low alai…
Female mathophobes who fight for equal rights often protest by going without wearing an algebra…
The cloud that bought the Porsche was looking for a stratus symbol…
After making a dozen loaves of bread, the baker sighed, satisfied, and said, “I kneaded that!”
The directive to the gangsters to dispose of their victims at sea contained not a word of a lye…
I wanted to get so much done, but at the end of the day…it’s night…
Where are we going out for breakfast? IHOP, I hope…
The man who shared the cheese platter asked, “Was it Gouda for you?”
When Kelly lost her sense of religion, you could say she entered an apostate of Grace…
To compare your old sound system to my old sound system, we would have to go mono a mono…
I know you’re not looking to buy a pair of designer shoes, but if you eye a Fendi…
I may be giving you too much attention these days, but you know what they say: “Better adulator than never…”
What’s that extinct form of audio recording? Oh, yeah: T-Memorex…
When they were casting Mad About You, the producers may not have realized that they were on a Helen Hunt…
He was a mild-mannered sort: they didn’t call his story “The Secret Life of Walter Enmity…”
My favourite White House correspondent/building material: Yamiche Alcinder block…
My favourite military uniform decoration/silent film actor: Epaulette Goddard…
No A? No, eh? No way!
I really didn’t want to start an online business, but I had to turn etail and run it…
You want to say a prayer over the food you’re about to eat? You got that rite!
Les Pages aux Folles – preaching the gospel of the interrobang to the unbelievers since 2002!
I could only remember the name of one ancient female Middle Eastern goddess, but it’s Astarte…
My favourite Samuel Beckett play about the futility of trying to meet a popular Israeli move star: Waiting for Gal Godot…
In Paris, the horrified legal assistant got an awful lawful Eiffel eyeful…
Van was the greatest vocalist of his time, Morrison or less…
With an iron fist, Em ruled the Empire of the Aunts…
My favourite Cosby kid/demure head covering: Lisa Bonnet…
If Benny Hill had been an upscale store manager, would he have played “Yakety Saks” on the PA system all day?
How much do I love Macedonian music? You could say that I’m a Slav to the rhythm…
Complex processed sugars not good for us? Fructose that!
When he acted as the head cheerleader for the Transformers, he should have been called Optimist Prime…
You want to be the one to tell our friends about our engagement? Notify, do, but not if I do first…
You’re mad because you think I stole your idea for a charity event for victims of the virus? Please don’t pitch a benefit…
My favourite song about my favourite movie restaurant: “My Gal Sal’s Pizzeria…”
My favourite computer game about finding a lost romantic poet: Where’s Ralph Waldo Emerson?
My favourite Edith Wharton novel, reconceptualized for a modern audience: Ethan Frome the Hood…
I wanted to buy a frame from Fantasia, but it was a hard cel…
I dreamed that I would work in space, but it was just pie in the Skylab…
How does Santa get presents to all of the deserving kids in the world in just one night? He uses sleigh of hand…
You say you don’t want a sac-like pocket of membranous tissue that contains fluid, air, or other substances? Sorry, but I encyst…
Want a horror writer who will keep you regular? Try Bran Stoker…
My favourite one percenter Simpsons character: Upper Krusty the Klown…
When you’re in a room full of coffee drinkers, you have to sneak a pekoe…
My favourite editing effect/singing Rabbi: Slomo Carlbach…
Nobody is wearing the corporate uniform? What in the blue blazers is going on‽
I trust Russeau’s truss trousseau…
My favourite mongoose/actor: Meerkat Dennings…
My favourite French leader/Canadian delicacy: Emmanuel Macaroni and Cheese…
Every so often, I like to write my favourite singer a Gloria Estefan letter…
I have all these flowers to sell and nobody wants to buy them. You could say that I’m in a real daffodil pickle…
I Wanted to be a Spy,
But I Could Never Get the Hang of a Believable Cover Story…
