by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
As has been well documented, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf has been freely awarding pardons to murderers…thieves…good friends. But, since when has the President, who has attempted to monetize everything from breathing to money, done anything for free?
“Step right up, ladies and gentlemen. Step right up – don’t be shy, the person standing next to you isn’t likely to steal what’s in your pocket unless he cuts me in, and I’m as honest as the day is moonlit!” cried a close associate of the President who asked to be referred to as a Dibbler on the roof. “Pardons! Pardons! Get your pardons, here, while they last! For $2 million, I can see to it that that heinous crime that you have been convicted of is stricken from the books. Don’t worry, I don’t judge – in these crazy days, who hasn’t been convicted of a heinous crime or two? Wait! Did I say $2 million? This is a going out of business sale – only three days left! You can have a pardon for the low, low price of…$50,000 now and $50,000 when you receive your pardon. Can’t ask for fairer than that. Honestly, I’m slitting me own throat offering a pardon for such a ridiculously low price – one more heinous crime to add to my list!”
We know that this scheme by lobbyists to sell pardons exists because ex-CIA agent John Kiriakoukou spilled the beans to the New Yoricknuhemwell Times. From his prison cell. From which he had obviously not been pardoned. However, we do not know the extent of the pardon selling.
“No, no, no, no, absolutely not, no,” the Dibbler on the roof hastily commented. “I would rather sell my grandmother’s knickers than give away my client list, and the home doesn’t have heat in January! Discretion is my middle name! Really. I had it legally changed from…well, never you mind what. You can call me the Dibbler on the discretion roof! The best thing about the pardon is that nobody needs to know about it until you actually use it! I mean, obviously, when you suddenly show up at your Uncle Guido’s house a year and a half into a life sentence, questions will be asked. But, the President is under no obligation to disclose who he has pardoned, and I certainly won’t tell, so until you’re ready, chrysanthemum’s the word!”
How many pardons have been sold is one dimension of extent, of course, but I was actually questioning how many people are selling pardons.
“Ah. Yes. Good question,” the Dibbler on the discretion roof allowed. “Competition is the cornerstone of a market economy. But, buildings cannot exist on cornerstones alone. No, sir! In fact, buildings can be erected in which cornerstones play no part at all! What I am trying to say is: don’t trust these Dibbler wannabes, these ersatz Dibblers, these Dibbler come latelies! If you want the best product at the best price, only the original Dibbler will do!”
There is also the question of quality control.
“Well, that would be up to my supplier,” the Dibbler on the discretion roof stated. “Now, I do have to warn you in this regard that the product has no specific form. To wit: pardons can be written on the backs of napkins or in the margins of a newspaper clipping about walruses or on the back of a MVGA hat. They may not be pretty is what I am trying to convey to you. Still, a pardon written on the palm of your hand is just as valid as one written on parchment. I would just get a photograph of that one – either that, or use it before your next turn in the bathroom!”
Thank you for that. However, when I ask about quality control, I’m actually thinking about how somebody who pays all that money can be sure that the pardon they are buying is genuine.
“Are you questioning the integrity of the President of the United States of Vesampucceri?” the Dibbler on the discretion roof seemed offended (but it could have been a sales tactic). “Because, if you are, I’m afraid I shall have to ask you to step outside!”
That raises another question: what is the President’s motive in handing out pardons he has been lobbied to issue? Could he be getting a cut of the lobbyists’ fees?
The Dibbler on the discretion roof’s eyes narrowed. “Are you in the market for a pardon? Perhaps for yourself for a crime you haven’t committed yet, or perhaps as a gift for a loved one? If not, you are wasting my time, and that’s a horrible thing to do to somebody who is just trying to make an honest living!”
At that point in the interview, the voice recording app on my phone inexplicably stopped working.