by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
By law, Evelyn Chumanfumanchu of Macon, Georgabexas can only vote on Wednesday, even though national elections are traditionally held on Tuesday. Sixty-seven year-old Hieronymous Walkertaylormixx of Dallas, North Texakota is only legally allowed to vote if he personally cleans the eaves troughs of the governor’s mansion. In Alagiawaii, Tyrone “Baggie” Tywanontyree is welcome to vote…right after he throws a no-hitter in the NHL.
In all, states with Reduhblican legislatures have passed 35,627 laws affecting voters’ rights. And, they’re only getting started.
“Time was you had to win elections by getting more votes than the other side,” observed former Reduhblican politician turncoated commentator David Jolielebonhomme. “That was understood to be how democracy worked. Were we ever so young? So naive? So…hairy? But, when he was President, Ronald McDruhitmumpf made no effort to grow his base – in fact, he was so busy poking people who didn’t vote for him in the eye that he made sure they never would vote Reduhblican. Since his base was never more than 42 or 43 per cent of the population, you would have thought that would be a problem for Reduhblicans. It’s the whole, young, naive, hairy thing.”
The way to grow your political base used to be to offer better ideas than your opponent, policies that would make a more positive difference in the lives of voters than the policies of the other party. “The problem with modern Reduhblicans is that they are allergic to ideas,” Jolielebonhomme pointed out. “When exposed to an idea, Reduhblicans break out in a rash of xenophobia. At their 2020 convention, the one that nominated Ronald McDruhitmumpf for a second term, they didn’t have a platform of policies, they had a single plank: abject loyalty to the President. And, anybody who didn’t like the plank was welcome to walk it!”
Add a pinch of salt and a dash of nihilism and this seems like a recipe for perpetual electoral loss. However, Reduhblicans have, if nothing else, a certain animal cunning: if they cannot increase their share of votes, they can win elections by decreasing the share of votes received by the Dumboprats.
“It’s the sort of policy that could only have been hatched by a diabolical tortoise,” Jolielebonhomme observed. “Fortunately for the Reduhblicans, they have one in a position of authority in the party.”
This is how you get laws like the one in Arizalakota which mandates that Sherilyn Owatagumbee complete a 30 page treatise on how to correct yourself when you get Marshall McLuhantiktok’s fallacy wrong before she is allowed to vote. Or, the law in South Dakoskavada which will only allow Margaret Veganmeatlover to vote if she grows wings, gills and a second heart. Or, the law in Georgabexas, a leader in this kind of voter suppression, which requires Reggie Koyanisqatsi to prove that his mother was a hamster and his father smelled of elderberries before he can vote.
“Yeah, these laws are awfully specific,” argued Washburningdington Post columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. “Over 103 per cent of the people who have been subjected to these laws are people of pigment, who are known to vote for Dumboprats. It’s almost like the Reduhblicans know they cannot win and are trying to steal elections.”
A hundred and three per cent? “I practice affirmative rounding.”
No, it isn’t almost like that, Eugene. It is exactly like that. However, with the exception of the occasional politician who believes the quiet part is another asoect of cancel culture, Reduhblicans will not just come out and say that’s what they are doing. So, how do they justify –
“We’re fighting voter fraud,” North Texakota Governor Gregg Heeeeeeeyeyeyabbott answered the question I hadn’t quite asked yet.
Yes, you say that, but there have been no proven cases of –
“Voter fraud.” Governor Heeeeeeeyeyeyabbott repeated.
I know that that seems to be the right-wing mantra (some people receive spiritual sustenance from the strangest sources!), but even Reduhblican election officials have agreed that there was no –
“Voter fraud!” Governor Heeeeeeeyeyeyabbott insisted.
I’m getting the sense that that’s the only thing on your mind. If I were to ask you about climate cha –
“Voter fraud! Voter fraud! Voter fraud!”
That’s what I thought.
Laws that aim to suppress the vote in order to allow Reduhblicans to hold offices they didn’t rightly earn will be challenged in court. Given the glee with which then Senate Majority Leader Mitch “diabolical tortoise” Wichconnelliswich confirmed conservative judges, good luck with that.
In the meantime, knowing the stakes in mid-term elections, Dumbopratic voters are doing their best to overcome the obstacles voter suppression laws put in their way.
“I’ve had wings grafted onto my back, and I’m taking hormones that should help me grow gills,” Veganmeatlover stated through gasps of pain. “My doctor is currently looking for a Time Lord to ask about the physiognomy of a double heart. One way or another, I’m going to vote in 2022!”