Thank you, thefallingtreeintheforest.com, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we heard an ad on the radio for Wickersham’s Baking and Breaking that claimed that the company was “proudly Canadian since 1986.” And, naturally, we couldn’t help but wonder if the company had been ashamedly Canadian before 1986. Maybe they had been cautiously optimistically Canadian up until 1986, at which point they decided to take the plunge. Or, perhaps they had been proudly Hungarian until 1986. If so, what happened? Did their pride immigrate to Canada from Hungary in 1986? Or –
No, it wasn’t a slow news week. There hasn’t been a slow news week since 1977. What would make you think it had been a slow news week?
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Don’t Be Surprised If The Governor Announces That He’s Been Al Pacino Doing Research For A Role All Along
The Ontario government is understating the number of residents who are in Intensive Care Units with COVID-19: it removes from the count patients who have stopped testing positive for the virus even if they remain in the ICU with COVID-19 complications. Despite this, Doug Ford’s Conservative government is popular with the province’s voters.
“Is it something in the water?” asked New York Governor Andrew Cuomo. “And, if it is, how do I get a sample? Purely for scientific purposes, of course…”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20210312.eladvote0312_@/BNStory/newsOops2021/]
more
For That Matter, They Aren’t Even Always Men
MONDAY: The only difference between a derivatives trader and somebody who bets on the ponies is that the trader’s horseshit doesn’t smell.
TUESDAY: Donald Trump would look good in an orange jumpsuit. It would bring out the orange in his complexion.
WEDNESDAY: I have ugly cuticles. In what kind of a universe is that even possible?!!!!
THURSDAY: Piers Morgan is a troll. Don’t take my word for it: on his Farcebook page, one of the hobbies he lists is “hanging out under bridges and demanding money from random passersby.”
FRIDAY: Why do dental hygienists whiten the backs of our teeth? Like the old saying goes: if you can see this, you’re too close. Way too close!
SATURDAY: I wanted to say something positive, but at the end of the day, it’s night.
SUNDAY: Don’t cook with a lot of pepper if your pet dragon is around unless your home insurance is all paid up. Lesson learned. Also: firemen in real life aren’t nearly as cute as they are in calendars.
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
[http:suzie.randomthoughts&bloodclots.blogspeck.com]
more
I Would Say That There Is A Theme To The Politician’s Rhetoric, But I Wouldn’t Want To Colour The Reader’s Judgment
When I think of a “marriage penalty,” I think of all of those situation comedies where beautiful women are married to schlubs whose only saving grace is that they are really bad with power tools. Those poor women must have been working off a significant Karmic debt to be stuck in those relationships!
Thank goodness Republican Representative Glenn Grothman was there to set me straight. No, sorry – that’s a part of his ideology he will address at a later date. I mean: correct me on that score.
If you don’t live in a Zero Sum Universe, you might not appreciate Representative Grothman’s argument against the earned income tax credit for singles part of the COVID-19 relief package. But, even if you do live in a Zero Sum Universe, claiming that Black Lives Matter doesn’t like the old-fashioned family? That’s like saying animal crackers are against aid to states and cities – it just doesn’t scan.
In that speech, Representative Grothman went on to comment about loan forgiveness for family farms owned by people of colour: “I think we started out with a divisive inaugural speech right off the bat. And to go down this route is only going to create divisiveness in America.” That’s like the pot calling the kettle…umm…you know…
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
more
Bland Bombshell
What a bombshell interview Oprah had with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle!
We learned that the royal family are racist – okay, we kind of already knew that. Still. Bombshell. We also learned that the royal family can be cruel, although that’s been known for decades. But, uhh, really, bombshell. Most of the royal family aren’t that bright? Well, duh. The royal family can be really petty when it comes to money? Tell me something I didn’t know. Members of the royal family love animals more than they do other human beings? Quelle surprise!
What, a bombshell interview Oprah had with Prince Harry and Meghan Markle?
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2021/2021/03/10/harryupandwait/]
more
Self-serving Is No Longer Just For Ice Cream
“I hope everyone1 remembers when they’re getting the COVID-19 (often referred to as the China Virus2) vaccine, that if I wasn’t president, you wouldn’t be getting that beautiful ‘shot’ for five years,3 at best, and probably wouldn’t be getting it at all.4 I hope everyone remembers!”
– letter from former President Donald Trump to the American people5
Notes
1. Of course, when I say “everyone,” I mean the good people on both sides.
2. By nobody but me, but it reverberates in my head often enough that it sounds like a chorus sung by a multitude.
3. All that noise about my administration not have a plan to distribute the vaccine? Fake news! We had a plan. Sure, we did. Give it to the states and let them decided how to distribute it to their people. That’s the plannest plan that anybody has ever planned in the history of planning!
4. Nothing good come from anybody other than me. Everyone knows that. Maybe not the same everyone at the beginning of my message, but close enough.
5. I will be so glad when I get back on Twitter!
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=1003&dir=bb]
more
Perhaps If You Weren’t Selling Out Of Your Trenchcoat…
Psst. Hey you. Yeah, you. Over here. You look like a discerning person, am I right? Course you are! You wouldn’t let anybody else tell you what to read – that’s a sucker’s game, that is, and you’re not a sucker. Of course you’re not. What would you say if I told you I had a vintage copy of Dr. Seuss’ If I Ran the Zoo. No, don’t look at him! The vendor across the street sells counterfeit books – he produces them in a basement in Scarborough. What I’ve got – it’s the real deal. And, it’ll only cost you $3,184.50. Hey! Wait! Don’t go! I can get you a copy of And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street – it’s a steal for only $1,262.59!
Hunh! People these days! They got no appreciation for the classics!
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227705]
more