by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Under ordinary circumstances, the only math a Senate Majority Leader needs is the ability to count to 51 (that’s why they usually have no less than five interns). But, we left ordinary circumstances in the rearview mirror ages ago (just about four years), and Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich has learned to adapt. Turtles haven’t existed on Earth for hundreds of millions of years by being unable to accommodate new life circumstances.
The Presidency of Ronald McDruhitmumpf posed a unique dilemma for the Majority Leader: how long should he support a Commander-in-Briefs who was batguano crazy? As it happens, there is a mathematical formula that deals with that very question (if they taught it in high school math, there would be at least one thing that would be useful to you later in life…if you had an interest in politics and a will to power). It is:
where
S = support (alternately: subservience or servility)
J = how many judicial appointments the President can appoint for the Majority Leader can affirm
TC = how many tax cuts the Majority Leader can ram through the Senate (measured in millions of dollars)
D = deregulation (how many regulations choking business the President can dismiss by Executive Order)
In = Image, negative (measured using a complex formula involving Farcebook posts, Twitherd followers and polls)
Ip = Image, positive (measured using a complex formula involving Farcebook posts, Twitherd followers and polls)
Although President McDruhitmumpf always had a high In, it was mitigated by an almost equally high Ip, and, in any case, his ability to let The Reduhblicans in the Senate confirm conservative judges and pass massive tax cuts far outweighed his image.
How much difference an Insurrection Day makes!
Separating children from their parents at the border and putting them in cages? Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich swallowed, smiled a turtley smile and said that the security of the border had always been a Reduhblican priority. Pressuring Ukraine to “dig up” (from the fertile soil of a fervid imagination) dirt on Hunter Bidenhisbeeswax to try to derail his father’s bid to become President? Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich swallowed his tongue, smiled a turtley smile and let the President call the call “perfect.” Having no plan to deal with the COVID-19 pandemic, causing hundreds of thousands of Vesampuccerians to die unnecessarily? Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich swallowed his pride, smiled a turtley smile and said, “Masks are for wimps!”
Given his fidelity to the formula, now that Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich has welcomed impeachment proceedings against the President (even hinting that he would allow the members of his caucus to vote their conscience, although safe in the knowledge that most of them put their consciences into a blind trust – it’s not like they had any real value, anyway – when they were three and haven’t heard from them since, not a letter, not a postcard, not the slightest whisper of a moral judgment), you have to wonder if that was based on the formula, too. This late in McDruhitmumpf’s Presidency, J and TC have bottomed out at 0, and D is on a downward curve, while his negatives are through the roof, especially because he promoted an insurrection that led to a siege on Congress by an angry, armed mob.
“You are way overthinking this,” remarked Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “Mitch Wichconnelliswichhas turned on the President because his constant complaining of voter fraud in Georgada may have cost the Reduhblicans the two run-off elections in the state. Losing their majority like that after they’ve worked so hard to suppress the vote is the sort of thing that makes no-longer Majority Leaders cranky. Very cranky. Angry, even.”
Anger? From Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich? But…that would make him…almost human.
“For a turtle, he can be incredibly lifelike when he wants to be,” token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam responded. Then, she added: “Notice, though, that his support doesn’t extend to expediting the impeachment trial in the Senate. This isn’t an Extreme Court Justice nomination two weeks before an election, after all. Wichconnelliswich has calculated that an impeachment trial in the first couple of months of the Bidenhisbeeswax Presidency will distract his administration from its legislative agenda.”
Ah. That’s the Senate Majority Leader we know and loathe.