Thank you, Piszczatowski Przepiora, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. There’s a certain…je ne sais whatever in the air, don’t you think? Some people call it change, although it smells to us like garlic butter. Some people think that hope is in the air; in response, we invoke the “you smelt it, you dealt it” rule. Some people believe that we are witnessing the dawn of a new era; we…we’re finding it hard to maintain our cynicism, but we will persevere. That’s the least we can do for our loyal readers.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
In Invasions – Like Marriage Proposals – Timing Is Everything
KURT ANGLE: Rex, I’m reporting from inside Gaza, the first time that a reporter has been allowed into the war-torn zone since Israel started bombing three weeks ago.
REX VENEER: And, what do Palestinians think of Barack Obama’s inauguration?
ANGLE: The devastation here is truly devasta – what?
VENEER: Palestinians, Kurt? What do they think of the Obama inauguration?
ANGLE: Ahh, with over 1,300 Palestinians killed by Israelis – the vast majority of the dead being civilians – I think the Palestinians may have more important things on their minds than the new US president.
VENEER: Really? Because, you know, the world seems to be cheering on the new president.
ANGLE: It’s hard to cheer when you’re dead, Rex.
VENEER: Good point. Thanks, Kurt.
ANGLE: What? But –
VENEER: That was Kurt Angle –
ANGLE: (muttering off-camera) [EXPLETIVE]ing brilliant Israeli military PR!
VENEER: Reporting live from Gaza.
SOURCE: Deadline News Network
[http://www.dnn.com/2009/ALLPOLITICS/01/18/reps.main/index.html]
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Yes, And Wouldn’t We All Love To Overreact That Way?
“Suitcase full of cash likely an overreaction”
– National Post
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1346033068]
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History Needs A Sedative…
100 Things Americans May Not Know About the Bush Administration Record
12. Condoleezza Rice’s backhand has a vicious spin.
39. Dick Cheney loves kittens. No, really. Why is that so hard for you to believe?
54. George W. Bush has an obsessive/compulsive disorder which forces him to clear brush whenever he sees it. His doctor has tried several different medications to cure him, but, so far, nothing has worked.
55. The President’s ranch is the most brush-free in Texas.
79. Donald Rumsfeld wasn’t Dick Cheney’s first choice for Secretary of Defense, but Mortimer Snerd had retired and nobody had the heart to rouse him out of the Old Dummies home.
100. This was the most corrupt and inept administration in the history of the United States, but as long as the we can all leave office feeling good about ourselves and our accomplishments, then…then…good Lord, have we morphed into touchie feelie liberals?
SOURCE: White House Web Site
[http://www.usa.gov/Agencies/Federal/Executive/100ThingsBitches.shtml]
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…Or, Is That A Laxative?
“Sure, I think his legacy will be positive. I mean, he…that is to say, he…uhh…of course, he – no, wait, that was Clinton. But, I mean, he did – well, actually, no, he promised to do it, but he never actually followed through. But, seriously…umm…can I get back to you in another couple hundred years?”
– History has the final word on the presidency of George W. Bush
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32022041014041014087fx]
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And, Nobody Was Quite Adamant On The Subject
Monday. 9pm. CBC. Who Wants To Be Canada’s Next Prime Minister? Nobody.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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I Am Victim, Hear Me Roar
“Is it political? Is it sexism? What is it that drives someone to believe the worst and perpetuate the worst in terms of gossip and lies?”
– Sarah Palin, complaining about the treatment she got from the press
“I spent an afternoon with Palin a little over a year ago in Juneau, and have followed her career pretty closely ever since. I think she can pull it off.”
– Bill Kristol, New York Times
“I gotta tell you something. I think this [Sarah Palin] is the greatest pick they could have made.”
– Sean Hannity, Fox News
“I tell you, I was in a quandary here this morning. I admire you so much I really don’t know what to ask.”
– Rush Limbaugh, radio commentator
“I would tell Sarah to be Sarah: feisty, down to earth and funny.”
– Bill O’Reilly, Creators.com
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Unlike Humpty Dumpty, This Egg’s Head Is Easy To Put Back Together
In his final address to the nation as President, George W. Bush, who lied the country into an unnecessary and illegal war and authorized the use of torture, talked about America’s “moral clarity.”
The Absurd Ironyometer’s head exploded. In this new age of public service, it’s looking for volunteers to help clean up the mess.
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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She Who Must Be Obeyed Would Not Be Amused
John Mortimer has died at the age of 85. The defense rests.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Tough (White) House
Barack Obama’s approval rating was 73 per cent the morning of his inauguration. Five minutes after he was sworn in as the 44th President of the United States of America, his approval rating dropped to 48 per cent.
Welcome to the big leagues, big guy.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2009Jan21.html]
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Those Who Forget The Past Are Doomed To Give Others Licence To Repeat It
Accused armed robber Augusto Fideles went on local TV and claimed that while some people may have problems with his unorthodox methods of making withdrawals from banks, what he did was in the best interests of his family. Robert Mugumby, an accused accomplice of Fideles, admitted that “I have made mistakes,” but added: “I have followed my conscience and done what I thought was right.”
Sheriff Barney Fife-Drumm, in an interview with George Sloppeedrupypantz, responded, “My instinct is for us to focus on how do we make sure that moving forward we are doing the right thing. That doesn’t mean that if somebody has blatantly broken the law, that they are above the law. But my orientation’s going to be to move forward.”
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
[http://www.podunkmash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49882-2009Jan21.html]
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Plenty Of Time For Sober Second Thought When You’ve Been Renditioned
An FBI interrogator told a military court in Guantanamo Bay yesterday that he showed prisoner Omar Khadr a picture of Michael Ignatieff during a 2002 interrogation. Khadr said he recognized the Liberal leader because they had both spent time in terrorist “safe houses” in Afghanistan.
In response, Ignatieff mused: “Hmm…maybe torture does have some drawbacks…”
SOURCE: The Irrational
[http://www.mc.ca/stories/2009/01/17/iggygoesziggy090117]
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