Thank you, Oretha Neiswander, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Some of our readers complained that yesterday’s text showing what rotters we are sounded a lot like the sort of thing we used to write a couple or three years ago. For your information: we weren’t repeating ourselves, we were being retro.
Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff
Reality TV For People Who Would Rather Be Reading Stephen Hawking
9pm. CTV. So, You Think You Can Do Particle Physics, Canada? The four finalists dance around the issue of whether information can escape the gravitational pull of a black hole.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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The Bully Isn’t The Best Judge Of Relations In The Playground
“We have shown that minority government can work.”
– Stephen Harper
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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On An Island With John Galt
When Bill Clinton left office, his administration was accused, incorrectly, of trashing the Oval Office. When George W. Bush will have left office, his legacy will be trashing the American economy.
Where, exactly, are the adults, again?
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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Hers Is A Traditional, Christian Blood Lust
A moose in Nova Scotia died after falling 4.5 metres from a plane that was trying to move it out of a residential neighbourhood. American Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin responded, “Ooh, I never thought of that! When can I try it?”
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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Reality Is For Economists Who Don’t Do Drugs
STATEMENT ONE: 87 per cent of Canada’s trade is with the United States.
STATEMENT TWO: The meltdown of the American economy will not affect the Canadian economy.
Discuss. Until your brain starts to hurt. Then, watch So, You Think You Can Do Particle Physics, Canada? until the pain goes away. Or, at least, you have a different kind of brain pain.
SOURCE: Economics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/economicsfordummieshome.asp?did=503&dir=bb]
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In Politics, As In Sex, Timing Is Everything
The following is a paid political announcement:
Ordinary Canadians have spoken, and we have listened.
“Sure, I care about the environment. In some abstract way that doesn’t require me to actually, you know, do something…something that might actually, you know, require me to sacrifice anything. Yes, I believe that the environment is in bad shape and we need action on it now – as long as it only affects other people.”
At first, we were confused. However, Stephane Dion has heard you, so now the Liberal Party will boldly go where all of the other parties have go –
What? What do you mean, the election is over? We –
Oh, shit.
Paid for by the Liberal Party of Canada.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=10291526046]
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My God’s Bigger Than Your God, My God’s Bigger Than Yours…
“There are millions of people around this world praying to their god – whether it’s Hindu, Buddha, Allah – that his [McCain’s] opponent wins… And, Lord, I pray that you will guard your own reputation, because they’re going to think that their God is bigger than you if that happens.”
– Arnold Conrad, pastor of Grace Evangelical Free Church, delivering the invocation at a John McCain rally
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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They Should Leave Donating To The Corporations That Have Perfected The Art
Barack Obama racked up 150 million last month. But, we don’t know where most of that money is coming from, because the average donation to his campaign is around $85, and by law campaigns only have to disclose the identities of people who donate more than $200. Get it? By taking most of his money from ordinary Americans Obama is subverting the accountability built into the electoral process! And, all those regular folks donating to his campaign are enabling him to do an end run around democracy!
Let’s face it: Americans are fundamentally un-American!
SOURCE: The O’Meilly Factor
[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2933,90210,00.html]
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Can Somebody Come Up With A Positive IRA Acronym, Please?
I can’t win. Just when people stopped associating me with the terrors of the Irish Republican Army, they are now associating me with the terrors of their evaporating retirement savings accounts.
It just isn’t fair, I tell you. It just isn’t fair.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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It Takes A Brave Man To Dis The Health Of Women On National TV – John McCain Really Is A (Culture) War Hero!
“That’s the extreme pro-abortion position, quote, ‘health.’ Just again, the example of the eloquence of Senator Obama. He’s health for the mother. You know, that’s been stretched by the pro-abortion movement in America to mean almost anything.”
– John McCain, in the final presidential debate with Barack Obama, on the exception that abortion should be allowed when the health of the mother is in jeopardy
Health: (n.) 1. the state of being free from illness or injury; 2. a person’s mental or physical condition.
Extreme: (n.) 1. the furthest point from the middle; 2. the highest or furthest degree of something; (adj.) 1. most distant in any direction; 2. to the greatest possible extent; 3. beyond what is normal or reasonable.
Asshole: (n.) 1. a highly offensive term that deliberately insult’s somebody’s value or importance.
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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Putting The “Bitch” Back In Obituary
Mister Blackwell of Hollywood has died. He was 82. You call what he was buried in a coffin? It looked like somebody glued a few pieces of stray wood together! Seriously, my 12 year-old nephew could do better in wood shop! And, get a load of that burial suit! Mortimer Snerd must be one naked dummy right about now!
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Plumbering the Depths
“I’m kind of like Britney Spears having a headache. Everybody wants to know about it. That bothered me. I wished that they had talked more about issues that are important to Americans,” said Joe the Plumber.
Except, his name isn’t really Joe (it’s Samuel – Joseph is his middle name – but I guess Sam the Plumber wouldn’t play as well in Arkansas). And, he isn’t really a plumber (he isn’t licensed and hasn’t done an apprenticeship). He is a registered Republican, though, which means he already had a specific take on “issues that are important to Americans” when he confronted Barack Obama about his tax cut plan for the middle class.
Note to Senator McCain: before you continually go to the well, you should make sure the water hasn’t been poisoned first.
SOURCE: Bill’s Bitter Pills
[http://bill.geekgoons.com/]
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